But it's the same as the other two !
Thursday, August 30, 2007
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - The Bourne Ultimatum
Very good actually. But Greengrass ? Calm the camera down a bit.
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - Billy Madison
I fell asleep halfway through this... Sign of a great film ? I think not.
Bloody Simple LocateTV
Look above - LocateTV telling me where and when Blood Simple is on next.
Isn't it clever ?!
Popbitch latest
*******************************************************
They think it's all over... it isn't. Could Brian
upset the Twins and make you money?
http://sports.betfair.com/?mi=20487982&rfr=3938
*******************************************************
"It's not every day that a circus dwarf with a Hoover
attached to his penis gets in the car with you," -
the manager of Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf.
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 30.08.07 ISSUE 364
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
* Calvin Harris - no fan of GMTV
* Sheryl Crowe - Black Widow
* Charts: Sean Kingston is number one
-----------------------------------------------------
>> A life depressive <<
Owen Wilson takes a time-out
We reported back in November 2004, to the
consternation of his scary Hollywood lawyers,
that Owen Wilson might not be entirely
unfamiliar with hard drugs. It's somewhat
surprising that everyone seems to have fallen
hook, line and sinker for Courtney Love's guff
that it's all Steve Coogan's fault. Coogan may
be an unpleasant drug pig but this smacks only
of Love finally getting her revenge after the
humiliation of being dumped by Alan Partridge.
A rich, ageing celebrity bachelor with an
entourage of yes men to get him whatever he
wants and a stint in rehab for depression
already behind him - it's likely that Wilson
didn't need much encouragement.
-----------------------------------------------------
LA insiders say that Jennifer Lopez is about
to announce that she is pregnant with twins.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> The Black Widow<<
Sheryl Crow's cold hand of fate
Perhaps Owen Wilson's real problem was to
get involved with Sheryl Crow? Because Sheryl
is the Black Widow, The Angel of Death.
Sheryl and Owen dated at the turn of the
century. Only seven years later Owen's
life is in disarray. Join the club, mate.
* Ex-boyfriend Kevin Gilbert - died from
autoerotic asphyxiation.
* Ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong - testicular
cancer.
* Crow had a hit with Leaving Las Vegas,
based on a book by John O'Brien, who
committed suicide soon after its release.
* Ex-boyfriend Kid Rock - has Paris Hilton
sniffing around him now.
* She was Jacko's backing singer.
Need we say more?
-----------------------------------------------------
Tony Wilson was buried in a coffin numbered FAC 501.
Factory's last catalogue number.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week
This Hollywood heart-throb was abusing his
Faculties this week in Hong Kong club Dragon
I, where he enjoyed several lines of cocaine.
Fellow clubbers said he was "very
nice and chilled".
You can take the factory out of the girl... but
which star enjoyed Ibiza so much this week that
they were asking every other clubber for pills?
-----------------------------------------------------
Organic farmer Alex James spotted in Old Compton St,
Soho, chomping on a large, suspiciously unorganic
croissant from high street coffee chain Cafe Nero.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> To Hull and back <<
Celebrity political dynasties
John Prescott is standing down at the next
election. His son David fancies taking over
his seat, which can't be bad, as David
appears to be a chip off the old block.
Friends say he claims to have slept with the
Sun's Victoria Newton and enjoys a platinum
card at Stringfellows strip club.
And apparently Prescott Junior fell out with
one of best mates after confessing that he
liked to think about his mate's wife when
he was knocking one out.
*****************************************************
Fit bodies, smooth moves and pink outfits. It can
only be the Pot Noodle workout! Join in and get 12
Pot Noodles or even a PS3:
http://snipr.com/potnoodle
*****************************************************
>> Confessions of an 80s pop fan <<
Duran beats Spandau, that much is true
7zark7 writes:
"Back in the 80s, my big sister was a hardcore
Duran Duran fan. She was walking home from school
with her friends, in Blackheath, when a big fat
Rolls Royce pulls up. The window winds down:
'Hello girls, can you help me with some
directions?' It was Tony Hadley of Spandau
Ballet . Without hesitation, my sister said
'Fuck off you wanker, your band's shit'
"Hadley drove off. that much is true."
-----------------------------------------------------
My Bloody Valentine fans are getting excited about
a possible comeback next year at Coachella.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Back to brown <<
Amy searches for her next hit
They tried to make her go to rehab, and she
said no, yes, no, yes, maybe, no. Poor Amy
Winehouse. When she was promoting her first
album only three years ago Amy refused all
the class A drugs offered to her, relying
just on booze and weed. Then she fell in
love with drug-loving Blake Fielder-Civil
and everything changed. Her competitive,
feminist instincts dug in and she's
spent the last months trying to outdo
her paramour's crack and heroin habits.
Not helped by the fact that someone on
her payroll, who should really be trying
to protect her, is secretly scoring drugs
for the pair to stop her from sacking him.
-----------------------------------------------------
Erica Roe, of Twickenham streaking fame, 1982,
is now married and living in Portugal, where she
grows sweet potatoes for export.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Oliver's Travels <<
Jamie's Transatlantic troubles
D writes:
"Fly transatlantic on MaxJet, a plane which
ONLY offers business class? It's the kind of
thing Jamie Oliver *might* do in secret if he
didn't want his fellow Stop Stansted
anti-airport campaigners to know..."
FYI: Jamie Oliver's absconded from prison:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/suffolk/6969184.stm
-----------------------------------------------------
Joss Whedon's long awaited UK based Buffy spin-off,
Ripper, starring Anthony Head, starts filming next
summer for BBC.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Acceptable in the 80s? <<
Calvin Harris says what he thinks
Calvin Harris has been slated in the press for
his stunt to find the best house party in
Britain. This is Calvin's amusing message
internally to his record company, Sony BMG,
about the furore:
"Yesterday was pretty funny really, was on the
BBC news for being an alleged 'hate figure for
parents' because apparently I am encouraging
you all to trash your mum's house...!
"GMTV wanted me to go on this morning to answer
various probing mumsy questions but the label
thought it would be a bad idea as I would be
unable to cope with Ben Shepard's tough line
of questioning, which is a shame as that would
have been a life ambition fulfilled."
Calvin x."
-----------------------------------------------------
Help the Aged's press spokesman is called Joe Oldman.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Summer camp <<
Meet Argentina's Alcazar
We miss the summer holiday novelty hits of
yore! Sabrina, Black Box, Eiffel 65,
Las Ketchup - all brightened up the dog
days on returning to work. Here's Argentinian
band, Miranda! Their new track Prisionero
is all over radio and TV in South America,
and features Pet Shop Boys synths, I Feel
Love bassline and an atrium of gayness.
http://www.popbitch.com/videos
-----------------------------------------------------
Toni Collette spotted in Ikea "wearing a stripy
sweater dress and black Ugg boots, and dancing in the
aisles to Kylie Minogue's Come Into My world.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Mormon rap, pandas, colon cleansing
And it turns up to 11:
http://techdigest.tv/2007/08/got_space_in_yo.html
Philip Glenister from Life on Mars makes it
onto some t-shirts at:
http://www.teemarto.com
World's biggest tumour?
http://www.reuters.com/news/video/videoStory?videoId=64240
Otter bath:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=24837
Crunch crunch he's gone! Get your last days
of Bush merchandise now:
http://bushslastday.com/
Other people's colon cleansing kit:
http://www.blessedherbs.com/photos2i.html
How to do sabrage:
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-open-a-bottle-of-champagne-with-a-sword
Mormon rap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TeV8yp8ALM&NR=1
Dirty-wrong in Paris, gun-fights in Alicante,
crotchless trousers in Austria as Ian and Dawn
look for their sperm-donation siblings:
http://snipr.com/joneses_pb
Cute pandas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDvzOLRLjPc
*****************************************************
Didn't catch the new series of The IT Crowd on
Friday night? Watch the latest episode online for
free with 4 on Demand:
http://www.channel4.com/4od?cntsrc=4od_popbitch_itcrowd
*****************************************************
>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 2nd September
++ Number One
SEAN KINGSTON Beautiful Girls
++ Top Ten
ELVIS PRESLEY Hound Dog
RIHANNA Shut Up And Drive
++ Top Twenty
FREAKS The Creeps (Get On The Dancefloor)
KT TUNSTALL Hold On
++ Top Forty
NATELIE IMBRULIA Glorious
SCOUTING FOR GIRLS She's So Lovely
THE TWANG Two Lovers
MAROON 5 Wake Up Call
>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!
* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* Web hosting by: http://del.co.uk
* Mail by aysabtu
*****************************************************
Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, fatlimey, JO,
OC, HL, SW, LA, honk, wulf, richjohnson, am, mp,
elpresidente, onthehushhush, te, sw, tmv, kidvampire
*
* Thanks to the Strongbow Cider House for V tickets
* To Vodafone Live Music Awards for Kanye West tickets
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
Q. Why does caviar never end well?
A. Because it's a fishes cycle.
Old Jacko Jokes Home:
Q: Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?
A: Both come on little white crackers.
Still Bored?
The coolest robot in the world:
http://univ.nict.go.jp/people/xkozima/infanoid/robot-eng.html#keepon
Watch him dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPdP1jBfxzo
Raindance Film Festival
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Tuesday, August 28, 2007
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - Raising Arizona
This should be talked about more. It's a great farce from Brothers Coen.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Popbitch Summer Madness
"I feel like the asshole, the idiot, because I feel
like I'm distracting from the other things that
are important, like global warming and that kind
of stuff" -Lindsay Lohan
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POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 23.08.07 ISSUE 363
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Summer Madness <<
Popbitch has taken its bucket and spade and gone
to the seaside. But we've left behind some silly
things to help through the office afternoon.
Next week, back to normal.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 1. Music <<
Remember that band you'd never heard of suing
Avril Lavigne for ripping them off with her
song Girlfriend? Have a listen. And see if you
think Rolling Stones should think of suing
them instead for copying Get Off Of My Cloud.
http://otter-island.com/avril.mp3
http://otter-island.com/rubinoos.mp3
http://otter-island.com/stones.mp3
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 2. Joke <<
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems
with my hearing.
Dr "What are the symptoms?"
Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 3. Bad joke <<
"I got stung by a bee yesterday.
£20 for a jar of honey? Outrageous."
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 4. Old Joke <<
Q: What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out
your underpants?
A: Your mother.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 5. Football Shoes <<
There's a charity shop in Chelsea with one
of London's biggest and best Jimmy Choo shoe
collections. It's very close to the house
Frank Lampard and his missus, Elen Rives, live
in. When Fat Frank and Elen have a fight, or
he gets caught with another lady, Elen drives
to the shop with piles of clothes, shoes and
jewellery that he'd bought her and dumps it.
Then they make up with Frank buying a new
wardrobe of stuff... which then find their
way to the shop in the next row. And on and on.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 6. History <<
Otters - they've always been news.
From the Venerable Bede's Life of St Cuthbert
of Lindisfarne, 721 AD.
"One bitter night in winter as Cuthbert knelt
thus in the snow after his plunge, blue with
cold, two brown otters came up out of the sea
and stole to Cuthbert's side. And as he
prayed, not noticing them at all, they licked
his poor frozen feet, trying to warm them,
and rubbed against him with their thick, soft
fur till he was dry again. Thus the water-
creatures did their little best for him who
loved them and who had done so much for others."
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 7. Pandas <<
2008 is Beijing Olympics year. We predict
pandas will be bigger than otters.
The best fact to know about pandas is that
to mark its territory, a panda does a
hand-stand beside his favourite tree,
and pisses upwards, on to the tree, as
high as he can.
Cute baby pandas:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2T3-1Iyv3k
Panda song:
http://tinyurl.com/yub8kw
-----------------------------------------------------
>> 8. Ice Cream <<
The best ice-cream we've ever had in London
is the Italian homemade stuff at the Lord
Nelson pub, 243 Union St, London SE1.
(Between Tate Modern and Waterloo station)
Go in August, say "popbitch" and get two
for the price of one (the pistachio rocks).
*******************************************************
>> 9. TV <<
We've enjoyed Britain's Next Top Model much
more than Big Brother this summer. It's
nine down, three to go... See who wins on
MONDAY, 9pm, on LIVING.
http://snipurl.com/1ogab
Have a big gay bet on the Eurovision Dance Contest:
http://www.popbet.com
*******************************************************
>> 10. T shirts <<
Treat yourself. Extraordinary t-shirts
on sale now:
http://www.teefly.com
*******************************************************
>> 11. Theatre <<
See Chatroom & Citizenship at the National Theatre
for just £15. Quote "popbitch" on 020 7452 3000
valid until 13 September for all performances.
Subject to availability.
http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/cc/
*******************************************************
>> 12. Screening <<
US No.1 comedy Superbad is out September 14th
but you can see it for free before anyone else.
http://www.24frames.co.uk/superbad.phtml
*******************************************************
>> End Bit <<
Popbitch!
* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* Web hosting by: http://del.co.uk
* Mail by aysabtu
>> And finally <<
Thanks, part one, to our charity cricket
sponsors, who helped us raise a lot of money
for Great Ormond St Hospital:
All Star Lanes - the UK's first boutique
bowling venue, 6 lanes, cocktails, and diner.
http://www.allstarlanes.co.uk/bayswater
Artesian FIJI Water is first choice
of chefs and celebrities. Get it from
Waitrose, or from a VIP room near you.
RetroFest - "The biggest 80s line up since
Live Aid"
http://www.retrofest.co.uk/
Tangerine Fields - on site accommodation
and comfort at music and sports events
in the UK.
http://www.tangerinefields.co.uk/
Make your own origami trainers on this
cool little site:
http://shin.onitsukatiger.co.uk
PA hire from:
http://www.peterwebberhire.com/
Kettle Chips - now with four new flavours,
including Roast Chicken. All natural
ingredients, with no artificial additives.
And Nordic Bar, Danny Israel, Endemol, Cheese
@ Leadenhall, Abaco, Hackney Empire, Fiji Water,
Rubicon Juices, Kettle Chips, masseuse Jill Haliday,
Kajagoogoo, Dermalogica, Eclectic, Yalumba and
all of Planet of the Grapes' wine suppliers.
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - The Beat That My Heart Skipped
Lottie B from LocateTV turned me on to this. It's very good indeed. Brendon told me about a film called Fingers, I will find it.
Monday, August 20, 2007
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - The Bourne Identity
Thrilling espionage thing. It's pretty good. Might go and see the third one.
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - A Cock And Bull Story
Very interestingly made film. Thought it would be a bit funnier though.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - Some Like It Hot
Timeless comedy in my eyes. Norma Jean is a beauty. Look at her !
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Movie Cricket
Mr film ick, and my friend, Brendon Connelly is a movie critic on the August edition of Sky Movies Comedy.
You can see the show at 11.30am on Friday August 17th on Sky Movies Premiere, on hour later on Sky Movies Premiere +1, and at 7:30pm on the same day on Sky Movies Comedy. Then, at midnight that night, he'll be on Sky Movies Premiere, and again an hour later on Sky Movies Premiere +1. If you want to see him in HD he'll be on at 12:55pm - just in time for lunch - on Saturday August 18th on Sky Movies HD 1, simulcast in low-def on Sky Movies SD1.
There are further screenings throughout the month, so keep an eye out if you can't catch any of the above.
You can see the show at 11.30am on Friday August 17th on Sky Movies Premiere, on hour later on Sky Movies Premiere +1, and at 7:30pm on the same day on Sky Movies Comedy. Then, at midnight that night, he'll be on Sky Movies Premiere, and again an hour later on Sky Movies Premiere +1. If you want to see him in HD he'll be on at 12:55pm - just in time for lunch - on Saturday August 18th on Sky Movies HD 1, simulcast in low-def on Sky Movies SD1.
There are further screenings throughout the month, so keep an eye out if you can't catch any of the above.
Dead Pop Bitch
*****************************************************
Britain's Next Top Model: watch Mondays 9pm, on LIVING
http://snipurl.com/1ogab
*****************************************************
"Channel 5 is all shit, isn't it? Christ, the
crap they put on there. It's a waste of space."
- Adam Faith's last words.
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 16.08.07 ISSUE 362
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
* Deadbitch: random celebrity deaths
* Sleeping with the Tribbles
* Nosophiliacs of the world unite!
-----------------------------------------------------
>> The A-Z of death <<
From Aeschylus to Zoophilia
Popbitch was saddened by the early death of
Tony Wilson, so we made a whole issue about
death to try and cheer ourselves up. At the
very least, here are 187 facts and stories
for you to use on holiday this summer.
Whenever you need to get rid of those
annoying hangers-on around the hotel bar
or pool - try one of these. Something should
work.
-----------------------------------------------------
A
Aeschylus
Ancient Greek playwright, known as the father
of tragedy. Perished when an eagle dropped
a turtle on his head.
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
First documented in the 1600s, when it was
observed at public hangings that male
victims often got an erection when being hung.
A phenomenon now known in the S&M
community as "breath play", i.e. strangulation
for kicks. In 1994 Tory MP Stephen Milligan was
found hanged, wearing stockings and suspenders.
Autoeroticists are said to bite on
an orange during the act so the citrus
sharpness keeps them from blacking out.
Sadly for Stephen, it seems he dropped his
satsuma (or it was pushed!). Friends of
Michael Hutchence have claimed he didn't
commit suicide. He was hanging off the back
of his hotel door having a very special wank.
Autopsy
Watch one live:
http://www.filecabi.net/video/autopsy.html
*****************************************************
B
Buckwheats
Reputedly the most painful form of execution -
a bullet up the rectum. Death is very slow and
painful. Your lungs fill with blood and your guts
gradually fall out of your arse. (See Things To
Do In Denver When You're Dead.)
Booze
On the day he died Oliver Reed had drunk three
bottles of Captain Morgan rum, eight bottles of
German beer, and countless whisky chasers. Reed
always insisted he wasn't that keen on drinking,
but "you meet a better class of people in pubs".
Blue Plaques
Fancy one on your house? Apply twenty years
after death, so get your friends on the case:
http://tinyurl.com/26s9av
*****************************************************
C
Chicken
1. On 31st August 1995, six people died rescuing
a chicken. The chicken fell into a well in
Southern Egypt, and six people drowned trying
to rescue it. Only the chicken survived.
2. Sir Francis Bacon contracted pneumonia and
died while stuffing a chicken with snow.
What a fowl way to go.
3. A chicken sandwich didn't kill Mama
Cass. It was heart failure brought on by
obesity. FYI: her real name was Ellen Cohen.
Caffeine.
Shots of espresso in one go needed to kill you?
117. More caffeine death stats:
http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/
*****************************************************
D
Dr Who
The first three Dr Whos died in chronological
order. This means Tom Baker is next.
Drowning
A particular favourite of pop stars.
Brian Jones, in his swimming pool; Jeff
Buckley went for a swim wearing steel-toed
boots while singing along to a radio
playing Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love";
Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, got drunk and
dived into the sea at Marina Del Rey to
retrieve items he had once thrown off his yacht.
*****************************************************
E
Execution
1. A study in 1990 in the US suggested that in
82% of cases the race of the victim was found to
influence the likelihood of getting
the death penalty, i.e., those who murdered
whites were more likely to get it than those
who killed blacks.
2. Texas has executed 399 inmates since 1976.
3. The average time on death row is 10.26 years.
4. The cost of lethal injection drugs per
execution, $86.08.
5. To make your own lethal injection you need:
Pancuronium Bromide (collapses diaphragm and
lungs), Potassium Chloride (stops heartbeat),
and Sodium Thiopental (sedates). There is
also a popular cocktail by the same name
(1 shot creme de noyaux, 2 shots dark rum,
1 shot Malibu, splash orange juice, splash
pineapple juice). Do not mix the two up.
Reprieve is a charity that fights for the lives
of prisoners on death row. Find out more.
http://www.reprieve.org.uk
Entwistles
Peg Entwistle, a depressed young actress,
committed suicide in the 1930s by leaping off
the Hollywood sign. Strange sightings have
been reported since of a sad-looking blonde
woman in 1930s attire wandering the area,
who vanishes when approached. John Entwistle,
no relation, died in a Las Vegas hotel room
from cocaine and hookers. The Hard Rock
Hotel has kept the identity of the room secret.
*****************************************************
F
Famous last words
"Kurt Russell" - Walt Disney
"I should never have switched from Scotch
to Martinis" - Humphrey Bogart.
"Have they sacked Dominic Lawson yet?"
- Auberon Waugh.
"I am still alive!" - Caligula, after being
stabbed repeatedly by his guards.
Funeral songs
In 2006, the most popular song at funerals was
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt. The most
popular song to commit suicide to is
Bohemian Rhapsody.
Food
King Henry I died in 1135 of "a surfeit of
lampreys". The King of Sweden in 1771 died after
a meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, kippers
and champagne, topped off with 14 servings
of his favourite dessert. In 2002, US President
George W Bush almost choked to death on a pretzel.
-----------------------------------------------------
Being selfish. It's not big. It's not clever.
But it is funny.
http://tinyurl.com/2ag85d
-----------------------------------------------------
February
The first week of February spells danger for
pop stars. Richie from Manic Street Preachers
vanished on 1st February 1995. Sid Vicious
overdosed on 2nd February 1979. Buddy Holly,
Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper died
in a plane crash in Iowa on 3rd February
1959 and Karen Carpenter died of heart failure
brought on by anorexia on 4th February 1983.
*****************************************************
G
Graves
Weirdest graves we've seen:
1. Pipe organ:
http://tinyurl.com/yqdo33
(scroll down)
2. Tents (explorer Richard Burton)
http://tinyurl.com/22udym
3. Sitting room, complete with family:
http://www.tinyURL.com/yvyu7x
Gifts
All the death-themed gifts you'll need:
http://www.bluelips.com
*****************************************************
H
Harry Potter
(SPOILER ALERT)
How they died, in order: Charity Burbage,
Hedwig, Mad-Eye Moody, Rufus Scrimgeour,
Gregorovitch, Bathilda Bagshot, Ted Tonks,
Wormtail, Grindelwald, Dobby, Dolahov, Crabbe,
Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Tonks, Colin Creevey,
Severus Snape, Nagini, Bellatrix Lestrange,
Yaxley, Voldemort.
Hollywood
Read the stories, and take the tour:
http://www.findadeath.com
Hemingway
In 1961 Ernest Hemingway purchased the weapon
he used to commit suicide at Abercrombie & Fitch,
which was then a firearm supplier. He rested the
gun butt of the double-barrelled shotgun on the
floor of a hallway in his home, leaned over it
to put the twin muzzles to his forehead just
above the eyes, and pulled both triggers.
*****************************************************
I
Ironic deaths
Jim Fixx, author of The Complete Book of
Running, died whilst jogging.
Jerome Irving Rodale, founding father of the
organic food movement, died in 1971, on
the Dick Cavett Show, while promoting his
health books.
Dr Alice Chase, author of Nutrition for
Healthâ died of malnutrition.
Dr Robert Atkins, inventor of the Atkins
diet, died clinically obese.
Allen Carr, author of The Easy Way to Stop
Smoking, died of lung cancer.
*****************************************************
J
Javelin. Oops. Nearly:
http://tinyurl.com/2qvxjo
*****************************************************
K
Kangaroo
Aborigines used to send kangaroos into villages
to wreak havoc before they invaded.
Something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHzFs_LYDro
*****************************************************
L
Last meals/Last words
"I did not get Spaghetti-Os. I got spaghetti.
I want the press to know this." - Thomas
Grasso, before his execution in 1995.
The last prisoner executed in USA, Lonnie
Johnson (a black man who killed two white
men), made no last meal request. On 24th
July, he was the 19th man executed in
Texas this year. More last meals:
http://www.deadmaneating.com
Lefties
On average, right-handed people live seven
years longer than their left-handed
counterparts.
And over 2500 left-handed people are killed
every year by household objects intended for
right-handed people.
*****************************************************
M
Armin Meiwes
Cannibal Meiwes was the German computer techie
who ate his friend Bernd-Jurgen Brandes in 2003.
He first cut off the penis and flambeed it with
garlic for the two of them to share. Sadly
after all that, Mr Brandes wasn't feeling
very hungry. Two years later another German,
Ralf M, was inspired to kill his friend, Joe,
but he couldn't face eating him and put most
of his body in the fridge (except the bits
he gave to his cat).
Monkey Suicide
http://www.monkeysuicide.com/
Mummy
Mohammed al Fayed wants to be mummified on death
and placed in a glass mausoleum on
the roof of Harrods. Before claiming he was
murdered by Prince Philip, presumably.
*****************************************************
N
Necronautics
The International Necronautical Society
Inspectorate think death is just another
land to conquer and inhabit. Much like
Tunbridge Wells.
http://www.necronauts.org
Nosophilia
Sexually arousal by the knowledge that a
partner is terminally ill. Nosophiliacs
can often be found staking out cancer support
groups to find fresh meat.
*****************************************************
O
Obituary euphemisms
"Free spirit" - unemployable
"Vivacious" - drunk (female)
"A character" - drunk (male)
"Fun loving" - drank more than worked
"Down to earth" - born working class
"Utterly carefree" - senile
On-stage
Tommy Cooper died of a heart attack in the
middle of his act on stage. The act that
followed him on stage was Les Dennis and
Dustin Gee. Two years later during a pantomime
in Southport Gee also dropped dead.
*****************************************************
P
Psychic
1.75-year-old Indian seer Punjilal announced that
he would die between 3pm and 5pm on Thursday,
20th October 2005. Thousands of pilgrims came to the
village of Sabra in Madhya Pradesh state to
witness his death. Much to everyone's surprise,
when 5pm came and went, he announced he was
going to live until he was 90.
2. Colin Fry is a TV psychic who in 1992 found the
lights were unexpectedly turned on during a
seance, when Fry was apparently seen holding a
"spirit trumpet" in the air, which the audience
thought was being levitated by supernatural
forces.
http://www.tonyyouens.com/colinfry.htm
-----------------------------------------------------
The pharaohs were buried with their most precious
possessions. Evidence suggests they were a
seriously hedonistic bunch.
http://www.blacklabeladultshop.com/
-----------------------------------------------------
Pope
Number of popes stabbed, strangled, or poisoned
to death in the last three decades of the 10th
century: Five.
*****************************************************
Q
Quack
The kind of doctor we all want but only
celebrities seem to have on their payroll.
Anna Nicole Smith died with 11 different
prescription drugs in her system.
*****************************************************
R
Rasputin
Poisoned, shot, stabbed and clubbed but did
not die. Was finally drowned. Here's his penis:
http://tinyurl.com/yoml8w
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rasputin's_penis
*****************************************************
S
Skeletons
Skeleton graves. A bit icky:
http://tinyurl.com/yobzsk
Sudden Death Syndrome
A disorder of the electrical system of the heart
that can lead to the death of apparently
healthy people without any warning. It is rarely
diagnosed, most cases being written off as
accidents. To date, scientists have yet to come
up with a cure. Lazy bastards.
Surgeon
Dr Robert Liston, the fastest saw in the west.
In one two-and-a-half minute operation he
amputated the leg of his patient (who later
died from gangrene), sliced the fingers
off his assistant (who later died from blood
poisoning) and slashed through the coat-tails
of a spectator (who dropped dead from fright).
The only operation in surgical history to have
a 300% mortality rate.
*****************************************************
T
Toe Death
1. Louis XIV of France died of gangrene in 1715.
For some time before his death, when he took
his socks off, toes would come with them.
2. Jack Daniels (of booze fame) died of blood
poisoning, six years after hurting his toe when
kicking his safe because he couldn't remember
the combination.
3. Bob Marley developed a cancerous tumour from
a football wound on his right big toe. Danny
Baker often claims it was his kick that did it.
Worried that it would affect his dancing,
Marley refused amputation. The cancer spread
and he died four years later.
Tribbles
The Star Trek fan's euphemism for death is to
"Sleep with the Tribbles".
*****************************************************
U
United States
Eighty percent of people in the United States
die in hospital.
*****************************************************
V
Vampire of Highgate
The Highgate Vampire was said to haunt Highgate
cemetery in the 1970s. Two local exorcists,
David Farrant and Sean Manchester, both
claimed they could kill the creature. They
didn't. The vampire has eluded capture to date.
*****************************************************
W
Who Next?
1. We called William Hill to get odds on Lindsay
Lohan lasting the year. They declined.
2. A review of Pete Doherty's writings on Amazon:
"I have ordered 53 of these books as I
understand that they are written in his blood.
According to my calculations that should use up
about eight pints of it and hopefully bring an
end to the adolescent dribblings of this
smacked-up sub-Dickensian tossclump."
3. Play the death game:
http://www.ghoulpool.us/
Walt Disney
Walt was not cryogenically frozen; he
just refused to have a funeral. He was
cremated, and his ashes are in a vault.
*****************************************************
X
Xmas deaths
Died on Xmas Day: James Brown, Dean Martin,
Charlie Chaplin, and WC Fields.
*****************************************************
Y
Yuri Gagarin
Having safely managed to be the first man in
space, Yuri Gagarin died in a routine training
flight near Kirzhach trying to re-qualify
as a pilot. He is buried in the walls of
the Kremlin.
Your Death.
When is it? Popbitch's is 15th February 2050.
http://www.deathclock.com/
*****************************************************
Z
Zoophilia
People who prefer their sex partners to be
animals. Kenneth Pinyan (aka Mr Hands) died in
2005 of a perforated colon after an encounter
with a particularly well-endowed stallion.
There's a new film about it.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0874423/
*****************************************************
>> End Bit <<
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And Thanks, LT, SM, AM, DH
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
Q: Why did the man take his wife to Mexico?
A: Tequila.
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