Thursday, August 30, 2007

Popbitch latest

They think it's all over... it isn't. Could Brian
upset the Twins and make you money?

"It's not every day that a circus dwarf with a Hoover
attached to his penis gets in the car with you," -
the manager of Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf.
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|_| |_| 30.08.07 ISSUE 364
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* Calvin Harris - no fan of GMTV
* Sheryl Crowe - Black Widow
* Charts: Sean Kingston is number one

>> A life depressive <<
Owen Wilson takes a time-out

We reported back in November 2004, to the
consternation of his scary Hollywood lawyers,
that Owen Wilson might not be entirely
unfamiliar with hard drugs. It's somewhat
surprising that everyone seems to have fallen
hook, line and sinker for Courtney Love's guff
that it's all Steve Coogan's fault. Coogan may
be an unpleasant drug pig but this smacks only
of Love finally getting her revenge after the
humiliation of being dumped by Alan Partridge.
A rich, ageing celebrity bachelor with an
entourage of yes men to get him whatever he
wants and a stint in rehab for depression
already behind him - it's likely that Wilson
didn't need much encouragement.

LA insiders say that Jennifer Lopez is about
to announce that she is pregnant with twins.

>> The Black Widow<<
Sheryl Crow's cold hand of fate

Perhaps Owen Wilson's real problem was to
get involved with Sheryl Crow? Because Sheryl
is the Black Widow, The Angel of Death.
Sheryl and Owen dated at the turn of the
century. Only seven years later Owen's
life is in disarray. Join the club, mate.

* Ex-boyfriend Kevin Gilbert - died from
autoerotic asphyxiation.
* Ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong - testicular
* Crow had a hit with Leaving Las Vegas,
based on a book by John O'Brien, who
committed suicide soon after its release.
* Ex-boyfriend Kid Rock - has Paris Hilton
sniffing around him now.
* She was Jacko's backing singer.
Need we say more?

Tony Wilson was buried in a coffin numbered FAC 501.
Factory's last catalogue number.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

This Hollywood heart-throb was abusing his
Faculties this week in Hong Kong club Dragon
I, where he enjoyed several lines of cocaine.
Fellow clubbers said he was "very
nice and chilled".

You can take the factory out of the girl... but
which star enjoyed Ibiza so much this week that
they were asking every other clubber for pills?

Organic farmer Alex James spotted in Old Compton St,
Soho, chomping on a large, suspiciously unorganic
croissant from high street coffee chain Cafe Nero.

>> To Hull and back <<
Celebrity political dynasties

John Prescott is standing down at the next
election. His son David fancies taking over
his seat, which can't be bad, as David
appears to be a chip off the old block.
Friends say he claims to have slept with the
Sun's Victoria Newton and enjoys a platinum
card at Stringfellows strip club.

And apparently Prescott Junior fell out with
one of best mates after confessing that he
liked to think about his mate's wife when
he was knocking one out.

Fit bodies, smooth moves and pink outfits. It can
only be the Pot Noodle workout! Join in and get 12
Pot Noodles or even a PS3:

>> Confessions of an 80s pop fan <<
Duran beats Spandau, that much is true

7zark7 writes:
"Back in the 80s, my big sister was a hardcore
Duran Duran fan. She was walking home from school
with her friends, in Blackheath, when a big fat
Rolls Royce pulls up. The window winds down:
'Hello girls, can you help me with some
directions?' It was Tony Hadley of Spandau
Ballet . Without hesitation, my sister said
'Fuck off you wanker, your band's shit'

"Hadley drove off. that much is true."

My Bloody Valentine fans are getting excited about
a possible comeback next year at Coachella.

>> Back to brown <<
Amy searches for her next hit

They tried to make her go to rehab, and she
said no, yes, no, yes, maybe, no. Poor Amy
Winehouse. When she was promoting her first
album only three years ago Amy refused all
the class A drugs offered to her, relying
just on booze and weed. Then she fell in
love with drug-loving Blake Fielder-Civil
and everything changed. Her competitive,
feminist instincts dug in and she's
spent the last months trying to outdo
her paramour's crack and heroin habits.
Not helped by the fact that someone on
her payroll, who should really be trying
to protect her, is secretly scoring drugs
for the pair to stop her from sacking him.

Erica Roe, of Twickenham streaking fame, 1982,
is now married and living in Portugal, where she
grows sweet potatoes for export.

>> Oliver's Travels <<
Jamie's Transatlantic troubles

D writes:
"Fly transatlantic on MaxJet, a plane which
ONLY offers business class? It's the kind of
thing Jamie Oliver *might* do in secret if he
didn't want his fellow Stop Stansted
anti-airport campaigners to know..."

FYI: Jamie Oliver's absconded from prison:

Joss Whedon's long awaited UK based Buffy spin-off,
Ripper, starring Anthony Head, starts filming next
summer for BBC.

>> Acceptable in the 80s? <<
Calvin Harris says what he thinks

Calvin Harris has been slated in the press for
his stunt to find the best house party in
Britain. This is Calvin's amusing message
internally to his record company, Sony BMG,
about the furore:

"Yesterday was pretty funny really, was on the
BBC news for being an alleged 'hate figure for
parents' because apparently I am encouraging
you all to trash your mum's house...!

"GMTV wanted me to go on this morning to answer
various probing mumsy questions but the label
thought it would be a bad idea as I would be
unable to cope with Ben Shepard's tough line
of questioning, which is a shame as that would
have been a life ambition fulfilled."
Calvin x."

Help the Aged's press spokesman is called Joe Oldman.

>> Summer camp <<
Meet Argentina's Alcazar

We miss the summer holiday novelty hits of
yore! Sabrina, Black Box, Eiffel 65,
Las Ketchup - all brightened up the dog
days on returning to work. Here's Argentinian
band, Miranda! Their new track Prisionero
is all over radio and TV in South America,
and features Pet Shop Boys synths, I Feel
Love bassline and an atrium of gayness.

Toni Collette spotted in Ikea "wearing a stripy
sweater dress and black Ugg boots, and dancing in the
aisles to Kylie Minogue's Come Into My world.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Mormon rap, pandas, colon cleansing

And it turns up to 11:

Philip Glenister from Life on Mars makes it
onto some t-shirts at:

World's biggest tumour?

Otter bath:

Crunch crunch he's gone! Get your last days
of Bush merchandise now:

Other people's colon cleansing kit:

How to do sabrage:

Mormon rap:

Dirty-wrong in Paris, gun-fights in Alicante,
crotchless trousers in Austria as Ian and Dawn
look for their sperm-donation siblings:

Cute pandas:

Didn't catch the new series of The IT Crowd on
Friday night? Watch the latest episode online for
free with 4 on Demand:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 2nd September

++ Number One
SEAN KINGSTON Beautiful Girls

++ Top Ten
RIHANNA Shut Up And Drive

++ Top Twenty
FREAKS The Creeps (Get On The Dancefloor)

++ Top Forty
THE TWANG Two Lovers
MAROON 5 Wake Up Call

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, fatlimey, JO,
OC, HL, SW, LA, honk, wulf, richjohnson, am, mp,
elpresidente, onthehushhush, te, sw, tmv, kidvampire
* Thanks to the Strongbow Cider House for V tickets
* To Vodafone Live Music Awards for Kanye West tickets

Old Jokes Home:
Q. Why does caviar never end well?
A. Because it's a fishes cycle.

Old Jacko Jokes Home:
Q: Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?
A: Both come on little white crackers.

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