Thursday, September 25, 2008

Funding Mentalism‏

Economy collapsing? Global warming out of control?
Relax and watch some dirty movies: Strictly Broadband -
the adult video site you can trust.

"揑抦 37. I have nothing to say about the new
90210. Who gives a shit.??Sarah Silverman

"I'd love to appear on Strictly Come Dancing myself
although I wouldn't have been able to do it this year
with my swollen boobs and lipo scars." - Kerry Katona
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 25.09.08 ISSUE 415
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* John McCain's chopper
* Jordan: constipation good, prolapse bad
* Charts: Kings of Leon are still number one

>> Help Morris! <<
Turn terrorism comedy into movie

We told you that Chris Morris' terror cell
comedy had been rejected by a fearful Channel 4
and BBC. It seems they have a history of
this. Muslim comedian Omar Mazouk was to
present a mockumentary about misguided
suicide bombers for BBC but this was also
nixed. He took the idea to a TV network in
Denmark instead, where it's getting rave reviews.

And putting two fingers up to TV commissioners,
Morris is turning his Jihadi sitcom into a
film. He's got producers at Warpfilm and a
distributor. All he needs now is enough money
to make the film. Which is where we come in.
Popbitch readers donating between 25 and 100
quid to help get the film made will get the
chance to be in it. So get out your cheque book
and burkha and email:

Chris would not deny or confirm that recruits
who sign up will also get a free al-Qaeda
explosives handbook.

Popbitch's favourite autobiography title:
Girls Aloud's Dream That Glitter.

>> Chateau temporary <<
Maybe Monty likes writing more than vineyards

Chateau Monty is the TV show that has wine writer
Monty Waldin trying to run a vineyard. He can't
have liked it very much. TV folk tell us that
when filming was over, so was Monty's career as
a vineyard owner.

Natalie, Nicole and Mel All Saints spotted yesterday
walking on Hampstead Heath in the rain. They were
all carrying a small dog.

>> Bike wars <<
McCain offers Sarah Palin a ride on his chopper

All you have to do is stand for President and
American companies start showering you with
freebies. John McCain was just given a customised
motorbike, by Orange County Choppers. It's
designed to be a tribute to PoWs - the barbed
wire highlights are especially tasteful.

When McCain was presented with the bike he said
"Sarah and I are going to get on that chopper
and ride it straight to Washington!".

Sadly John McCain doesn't have a bike license and
his years as a PoW means he can't lift his arms
high enough to reach the handlebars. Plus the
lack of rear suspension would aggravate his
enlarged prostate. Oh and the bike isn't road
legal either. Nice work, Orange County Choppers.


Choppers for Obama!

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>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which UK TV star's marriage is going through a
rough patch not just because of her work
commitments but because her husband is more
interested in the attentions of other men?

Neil Tennant passed his driving test yesterday.

>> Constipation good, prolapse bad <<
Jordan's handy definition for celeb privacy

As lawyers desperately scrabble to define what
is or isn't private, Jordan has come up with
her own definition in OK!

Q: You had surgery for a prolapsed womb?
A: I don't want to talk about that because
it's no-one's business.

Next paragraph
Q: What was wrong with your bowels?
A: "... I had to have a catheter fitted and I
was so blocked I couldn't go to the toilet
for 13 days... when I finally did, it took me
three hours to give birth to a pebble."

Emma Bunton and boyfriend Jade were shopping this
week in Borehamwood Shopping Centre. She was carrying
a small bag from Clarks.

>> Reporting from Afghanistan <<
What has the army got up its sleevies

The BBC recently did a documentary uncovering
bullying in the army. Obviously to make the
show a journalist had to join the army, go
through training etc. Once his investigation
was complete he needed to leave in order
to complete the expose so he claimed his
girlfriend was pregnant and was forcing him
to leave the army - allowing him to resign
on compassionate grounds.

The army have now worked out this was untrue so
are said to be looking at making the reporter
come back and complete his service, as he is
legally obliged to do so. Bosses think he'd
be perfect for a posting to Afghanistan.

The Telegraaf newspaper in Holland has a column
from renowned personal trainer, Oswin Beingsick:

>> Steven Garbo <<
Gerrard just wants to be left alone, kinda

Another celebrity with an odd concept of privacy
is Steven Gerrard. When we suggested Steven was
looking at a new house in Lancashire, his lawyers
were very quick to claim Gerrard's privacy was
being invaded. So it's surprising to see Steven
this week on the front cover of OK! invading his
own privacy with a family photo-shoot at his
"exclusive Portuguese holiday hideaway". As he
recently told footballers' style-bible Icon,
"When I want to get away from football with my
family and there are people following us with
cameras. I feel I deserve my own time with my
family too... it annoys me when people don't
respect my family's privacy."

Last weekend's best golf news:two-ball pairing in the
Viking Classic in Minnesota: Brian Gay and Dicky Pride.

>> Hey Big spenders <<
How not to get a suit in London

The credit crunch is even biting in celebrity
world. Sex and the City's Mr Big, Chris Noth
needed a new suit in London recently so got a small
London boutique to come to his Claridges suite
and do a fitting for him. Noth was pleasant,
and the fitting went well. After he left, the
boutique owner asked his 'people" how they
should bill for their work. There was some
awkward shuffling of feet until it dawned on
the shop manager that the actor's staff had
assumed they would get it for free. Cue more
awkwardness until the boutique manager left.

Nearly all of Sainsbury's smoked salmon is produced
by Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull.

>>> American thought police <<
Baggage screening is SO 2007

Airport security in America is turning Orwellian.
Homeland Security is testing a new generation of
security screening - one that can read your mind.
Malintent has a series of sensors and imagers that
read your body temperature, heart rate and
respiration for unconscious tells invisible to the
naked eye. Security chiefs say this will help them
find the signals terrorists and criminals may
display in advance of an attack. Those of you
scared of flying, or trying to smuggle a tiny bit
of weed in your wallet, give up now or prepare for
life in Guantanemo. The man behind the new system
says his goal is to "restore a sense of freedom."

Celebrity hotel names: Cindy Crawford checks in as
Ann Walker. Tyra Banks is Heather Kelly.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Ferret, muppets, anti-social networking

Bored with Facebook? Getting tired of poking,
biting and throwing sheep at your friends? Welcome
to the advent of Anti-Social Networking. You can
even cheat at Scrabble:

Shoes to die for ?check out the hottest partying
heels around:

Everything you ever wanted to know about muppets:

Ferret tarot:

Killers' new single is absolutely brilliant!

Spore is a new computer game where you can
design fantastical creatures and make them live.
So, what do the mongs of the internet do with this
amazing creative power? Make phallic animals of
course. Like this dancing penis monster with teeth.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 28th September

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
FAITH HILL There You'll Be

++ Top Twenty
KANYE WEST Love Lockdown

++ Top Forty

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, harry topknot, LM, toofattoskate,
danceswithmustelids, Am, CS, SW, calendergirl,
fman, fatlimey, godhatesshrimp,

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop
clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop
bang bang clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop ?

A: An Amish drive by shooting.

Still Bored:
Sarah Palin's handler let her out long enough
to do a TV interview. Katie Couric doesn't
look impressed:

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