Thursday, December 06, 2007

P o p b i t c h

A new survey reveals the average time from meeting
to mating is 777 hours and 17 minutes - or 32 days.
Keep yourself busy with the best-selling Rampant
Rabbit Wave from Ann Summers:

"When I got my divorce, the women jumped on me
like white on rice! I said, 'Look, I ain't ever
did fish, I don't intend to do fish so leave
me alone'" - Patti LaBelle
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 06.12.07 ISSUE 378
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* Double agent dwarfs of Russia
* Militants I'd Like To...
* Charts: Leona Lewis is still number one

>> West Banksy <<
TV bloke doesn't know art from elbow

Banksy is holding his annual Santa's Ghetto
show in Bethlehem this year, and is featuring
quite a few up-and-coming Palestinian artists.
It's no secret that Banksy likes to remain
anonymous and doesn't attend his own shows
but this foxed the ITN correspondent who turned
up at the opening. "No Banksy, no story",
he said and went back to Jerusalem.

A few hours later, all the other news
networks were covering the story. The ITN
news editor calls the show's publicists to
apologise and ask for some pictures so
they could run the story too. Needless to
say, the answer

"I bought a teddy today for £5, named him
Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question
is, have I made a prophet?"

>> Militants I'd Like To... <<
Islamic terrorists have a sense of humour

Filipino separatist fighters the Moro Islamic
Liberation Front generally invoke giggles
rather than fear in the West. How scared
can one be of a group called MILF?

Recently we managed to talk to MILF's spokesman
Eid Kabalu about it, expecting to embarrass
him. Instead his reaction was a laugh and
the answer, "See - our group has
international acceptance and good recall!"

Turns out Islamic terrorists have a
sense of humour after all.

FYI: "One Man’s Terrorist is another man’s
freedom fighter" tees:

Pervez Musharraf stood down as Pakistan's army chief
at a ceremony in Rawalpindi... with a military band
playing Auld Lang Syne as a send off.

>> Mail pattern baldness <<
The pain of aging establishment figures

kps_jockstrap writes:
"Why is the Daily Mail always up in arms
about Wills' bald spot? Why, for that matter,
is the Mail obsessed with Prince Charles' hair?
Could it all come down to the fact that Paul
Dacre and Prince Charles were born on the same
day? Dacre often asks his execs if he looks
better than Charles and is convinced that
Charles has had a weave, which is cheating,
as far as he's concerned."

Live perfomances from Dizzee Rascal and The Enemy
fuel the fastest of the fast at Nike+ Supersonic.
Friday, 0045, C4:

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

You have to respect this London superstar for
just not changing her good-time girl behaviour
even after masses of bad press. At a recent
birthday she disappeared to a back room with
four or five men and a good time was had
by all, so we hear.

Is the voiceover on the
advert by Rob Brydon, who also stars in
the Oxfam Unwrapped ad pleading for an end
to useless Xmas presents?

Popbitch's favourite Bloomberg political
correspondent: Phil Kuntz, formerly The Wall
Street Journal's Deputy Money & Investing.

>> Careless burgundies <<
Synth-hero is also wine God

Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes talked recently to
the Wine Spectator about his passion for wine.
What we learned:

* Nick's favourite wines are the super Tuscans,
"particularly Sassicaia, Ornellaia and
[those from] Antinori."

* "1985 was an extraordinary year."

* Simon Le Bon has a wine cellar - Nick and Simon
have similar tastes in wine but "he likes
Burgundies a little more than I do". Although
I have been known to drink a slightly chilled
Gevrey-Chambertin at lunch."

* Nick suggests trying a Gevrey-Chambertin
with tofu. "There is something about the
collision of flavours there.

* Nick chooses the wines for the band when
they have dinner, but he'd be happy for Simon
to choose as "he has wonderful taste in wine."
(Nick and Simon prefer red; Roger likes white.)

* Duran Duran tour with a wine cellar, as it's
hard to get good wine in some of the less
cosmopolitan cities of the world.

Next week: Heidi from Sugababes dissects the relative
merits of the Reti Opening and the Latvian Gambit.

Ron Jeremy has endorsed Hilary Clinton and Barack
Obama for his dream Presidential Ticket.

>> Black Christmas <<
Music industry meltdown pt 513

A senior figure in the music industry this week
told us that the rumour going around is that
two out of every three major label jobs in
London will be lost by early 2008.

Well, looking at the charts you wonder how
much of an industry is needed - people
are buying classic Christmas songs, Mariah
Carey, Pogues, Shaky etc, and there's a
palpable air of boredom about heavily hyped
acts like X Factor, Spice Girls and Kylie.
The tune that's getting people excited is an
old New Orleans soul track by Ernie K Doe,
the soundtrack to the Boots advert. It's out
on Souljazz records. None of the majors
has shown an interest.


Kingsville, Texas has a law forbidding two pigs from
having sex on the city's airport property.

>> B B(ah humbug) C <<
Christmas redundancy greetings

This email was sent to BBC Bristol staff
this week.

"Dear All,

If you will be going away for an extended
break over Christmas/new year, please can you
let me know your contact details so that we
can ensure that you are sent any redundancy
update information.

Many thanks"

Merry Christmas? Bah Humbug!

Kentucky state legislation says no female shall appear
in a bathing suit on any highway unless she is escorted
by at least two officers or armed with a club.

>> The Mighty Who? <<
Clegg needs populism lesson from Cable

Last Sunday, the Tower Arts Centre in Winchester
hosted a Lib Dem Leadeship campaign debate
between Chris Huhne and Nick Clegg.

Martin Tod, Lib Dem candidate for Winchester
to replace Mark Oaten MP) welcomed Nick Clegg:
Hi Nick. Welcome to the Tower Arts Centre.
The changing room, if you need it, is just
down there, as used by the Mighty Boosh."

Nick Clegg: "The Mighty Who?"

AM writes: "I noticed that the 452 bus goes to
Victoria Peckham.. I thought it was quite funny."

>> Old habits dye hard <<
Gwyneth Paltrow eschews magazines

Gwyneth Paltrow was having her hair coloured
recently at a swanky salon. She was asked
if she wanted some magazines to flick
through while she was waiting. She declined
saying she "didn't do magazines". Just
appear in them when there's a movie to
promote or an Estee Lauder perfume to sell,

Lovely Ainsley from Fame Academy was spotted at Sussex
University's East Slope Bar playing an acoustic set and
"telling a long story involving motorways and cheese".

>> Never trust a dwarf <<
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Midget

Since all democratic opposition has been
smashed by Putin there seems to be only
one group prepared to stand up for their
rights: dwarfs.

This winter has seen a big dwarf demo outside
Echo Radio station to protest at a DJ who
has been comparing dwarfs to mice on-air.

But at the same time a huge contingent of
Russian dwarves have played havoc in
the West, having a go at wrecking a
Hollywood movie. Hired to play elves in
laughter vaccuum Fred Clause the dwarfs
engaged in hard-drinking and brawling on
a scale not seen since Oliver Reed died.
An ice-skating scene resulted in multiple
sprains and bruises but rather than calming
these acting legends down, it just made
them all the more fighty.

Whats going on? Are the dwarves playing a
double game? And for who? Was the Moscow
demo disinformation? They're just the kind
secret agents or moles Putin would use...

With Your O2 Numbers, £5 a month can now get you
any mix of 1000 minutes or texts to the ten O2
numbers you love the most.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Old otters, sea otters, The X Factor Code

A Russian Dwarf is also a new breed of hamster
popular due to their sociability with humans:

Otters through the ages: this film comes from
1912, making this little fella about 100!

Looking for Christmas gift ideas? Send a
Johnny Cash t-shirt:

We may have cracked The X Factor Code -
who to bet on this week here:

Get a sea otter wrap for Xmas:

Vote Grace Kelly as record of the year:

Forget jewelry for a gift, Black Label has
luxury sex toys at ludicrous prices. Buy
something here and enter a special popbitch
draw to win a gold vibrator worth US$300:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 9th Dec

++ Number One
LEONA LEWIS Bleeding Love

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
MARIAH CAREY All I Want For Christmas Is You
THE POGUES Fairytale of New York

++ Top Forty
ANDY WILLIAMS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
ENEMY We'll Live And Die In These Towns
WHAM! Last Christmas
FOO FIGHTERS Long Road To Ruin
WIZZARD I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day
SHAKIN' STEVENS Merry Christmas Everybody

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, party_b, AM, RS, JK, HL,
Bad Horsey, FB, A, Whizz, NK, danceswithmustelids,

* Marvins Magic for the freaky box of tricks

Old Jake Shears Jokes Home:
Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take
the meat out.

Still Bored:
The Phelps Family - God Hates Fags crew do a special
version of We Are The World. Or an elaborate Spike
Jonze fantasy? (Keep watching, the end is so creepy).

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