Thursday, August 16, 2007

Dead Pop Bitch

Britain's Next Top Model: watch Mondays 9pm, on LIVING

"Channel 5 is all shit, isn't it? Christ, the
crap they put on there. It's a waste of space."
- Adam Faith's last words.
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|_| |_| 16.08.07 ISSUE 362
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* Deadbitch: random celebrity deaths
* Sleeping with the Tribbles
* Nosophiliacs of the world unite!

>> The A-Z of death <<
From Aeschylus to Zoophilia

Popbitch was saddened by the early death of
Tony Wilson, so we made a whole issue about
death to try and cheer ourselves up. At the
very least, here are 187 facts and stories
for you to use on holiday this summer.
Whenever you need to get rid of those
annoying hangers-on around the hotel bar
or pool - try one of these. Something should


Ancient Greek playwright, known as the father
of tragedy. Perished when an eagle dropped
a turtle on his head.

Autoerotic asphyxiation.
First documented in the 1600s, when it was
observed at public hangings that male
victims often got an erection when being hung.
A phenomenon now known in the S&M
community as "breath play", i.e. strangulation
for kicks. In 1994 Tory MP Stephen Milligan was
found hanged, wearing stockings and suspenders.
Autoeroticists are said to bite on
an orange during the act so the citrus
sharpness keeps them from blacking out.
Sadly for Stephen, it seems he dropped his
satsuma (or it was pushed!). Friends of
Michael Hutchence have claimed he didn't
commit suicide. He was hanging off the back
of his hotel door having a very special wank.

Watch one live:


Reputedly the most painful form of execution -
a bullet up the rectum. Death is very slow and
painful. Your lungs fill with blood and your guts
gradually fall out of your arse. (See Things To
Do In Denver When You're Dead.)

On the day he died Oliver Reed had drunk three
bottles of Captain Morgan rum, eight bottles of
German beer, and countless whisky chasers. Reed
always insisted he wasn't that keen on drinking,
but "you meet a better class of people in pubs".

Blue Plaques
Fancy one on your house? Apply twenty years
after death, so get your friends on the case:


1. On 31st August 1995, six people died rescuing
a chicken. The chicken fell into a well in
Southern Egypt, and six people drowned trying
to rescue it. Only the chicken survived.
2. Sir Francis Bacon contracted pneumonia and
died while stuffing a chicken with snow.
What a fowl way to go.
3. A chicken sandwich didn't kill Mama
Cass. It was heart failure brought on by
obesity. FYI: her real name was Ellen Cohen.

Shots of espresso in one go needed to kill you?
117. More caffeine death stats:


Dr Who
The first three Dr Whos died in chronological
order. This means Tom Baker is next.

A particular favourite of pop stars.
Brian Jones, in his swimming pool; Jeff
Buckley went for a swim wearing steel-toed
boots while singing along to a radio
playing Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love";
Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, got drunk and
dived into the sea at Marina Del Rey to
retrieve items he had once thrown off his yacht.


1. A study in 1990 in the US suggested that in
82% of cases the race of the victim was found to
influence the likelihood of getting
the death penalty, i.e., those who murdered
whites were more likely to get it than those
who killed blacks.
2. Texas has executed 399 inmates since 1976.
3. The average time on death row is 10.26 years.
4. The cost of lethal injection drugs per
execution, $86.08.
5. To make your own lethal injection you need:
Pancuronium Bromide (collapses diaphragm and
lungs), Potassium Chloride (stops heartbeat),
and Sodium Thiopental (sedates). There is
also a popular cocktail by the same name
(1 shot creme de noyaux, 2 shots dark rum,
1 shot Malibu, splash orange juice, splash
pineapple juice). Do not mix the two up.

Reprieve is a charity that fights for the lives
of prisoners on death row. Find out more.

Peg Entwistle, a depressed young actress,
committed suicide in the 1930s by leaping off
the Hollywood sign. Strange sightings have
been reported since of a sad-looking blonde
woman in 1930s attire wandering the area,
who vanishes when approached. John Entwistle,
no relation, died in a Las Vegas hotel room
from cocaine and hookers. The Hard Rock
Hotel has kept the identity of the room secret.


Famous last words
"Kurt Russell" - Walt Disney
"I should never have switched from Scotch
to Martinis" - Humphrey Bogart.
"Have they sacked Dominic Lawson yet?"
- Auberon Waugh.
"I am still alive!" - Caligula, after being
stabbed repeatedly by his guards.

Funeral songs
In 2006, the most popular song at funerals was
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt. The most
popular song to commit suicide to is
Bohemian Rhapsody.

King Henry I died in 1135 of "a surfeit of
lampreys". The King of Sweden in 1771 died after
a meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, kippers
and champagne, topped off with 14 servings
of his favourite dessert. In 2002, US President
George W Bush almost choked to death on a pretzel.

Being selfish. It's not big. It's not clever.
But it is funny.


The first week of February spells danger for
pop stars. Richie from Manic Street Preachers
vanished on 1st February 1995. Sid Vicious
overdosed on 2nd February 1979. Buddy Holly,
Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper died
in a plane crash in Iowa on 3rd February
1959 and Karen Carpenter died of heart failure
brought on by anorexia on 4th February 1983.


Weirdest graves we've seen:
1. Pipe organ:
(scroll down)
2. Tents (explorer Richard Burton)
3. Sitting room, complete with family:

All the death-themed gifts you'll need:


Harry Potter
How they died, in order: Charity Burbage,
Hedwig, Mad-Eye Moody, Rufus Scrimgeour,
Gregorovitch, Bathilda Bagshot, Ted Tonks,
Wormtail, Grindelwald, Dobby, Dolahov, Crabbe,
Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Tonks, Colin Creevey,
Severus Snape, Nagini, Bellatrix Lestrange,
Yaxley, Voldemort.

Read the stories, and take the tour:

In 1961 Ernest Hemingway purchased the weapon
he used to commit suicide at Abercrombie & Fitch,
which was then a firearm supplier. He rested the
gun butt of the double-barrelled shotgun on the
floor of a hallway in his home, leaned over it
to put the twin muzzles to his forehead just
above the eyes, and pulled both triggers.


Ironic deaths
Jim Fixx, author of The Complete Book of
Running, died whilst jogging.
Jerome Irving Rodale, founding father of the
organic food movement, died in 1971, on
the Dick Cavett Show, while promoting his
health books.
Dr Alice Chase, author of Nutrition for
Healthâ died of malnutrition.
Dr Robert Atkins, inventor of the Atkins
diet, died clinically obese.
Allen Carr, author of The Easy Way to Stop
Smoking, died of lung cancer.


Javelin. Oops. Nearly:


Aborigines used to send kangaroos into villages
to wreak havoc before they invaded.
Something like this:


Last meals/Last words
"I did not get Spaghetti-Os. I got spaghetti.
I want the press to know this." - Thomas
Grasso, before his execution in 1995.
The last prisoner executed in USA, Lonnie
Johnson (a black man who killed two white
men), made no last meal request. On 24th
July, he was the 19th man executed in
Texas this year. More last meals:

On average, right-handed people live seven
years longer than their left-handed
And over 2500 left-handed people are killed
every year by household objects intended for
right-handed people.


Armin Meiwes
Cannibal Meiwes was the German computer techie
who ate his friend Bernd-Jurgen Brandes in 2003.
He first cut off the penis and flambeed it with
garlic for the two of them to share. Sadly
after all that, Mr Brandes wasn't feeling
very hungry. Two years later another German,
Ralf M, was inspired to kill his friend, Joe,
but he couldn't face eating him and put most
of his body in the fridge (except the bits
he gave to his cat).

Monkey Suicide

Mohammed al Fayed wants to be mummified on death
and placed in a glass mausoleum on
the roof of Harrods. Before claiming he was
murdered by Prince Philip, presumably.


The International Necronautical Society
Inspectorate think death is just another
land to conquer and inhabit. Much like
Tunbridge Wells.

Sexually arousal by the knowledge that a
partner is terminally ill. Nosophiliacs
can often be found staking out cancer support
groups to find fresh meat.


Obituary euphemisms
"Free spirit" - unemployable
"Vivacious" - drunk (female)
"A character" - drunk (male)
"Fun loving" - drank more than worked
"Down to earth" - born working class
"Utterly carefree" - senile

Tommy Cooper died of a heart attack in the
middle of his act on stage. The act that
followed him on stage was Les Dennis and
Dustin Gee. Two years later during a pantomime
in Southport Gee also dropped dead.


1.75-year-old Indian seer Punjilal announced that
he would die between 3pm and 5pm on Thursday,
20th October 2005. Thousands of pilgrims came to the
village of Sabra in Madhya Pradesh state to
witness his death. Much to everyone's surprise,
when 5pm came and went, he announced he was
going to live until he was 90.
2. Colin Fry is a TV psychic who in 1992 found the
lights were unexpectedly turned on during a
seance, when Fry was apparently seen holding a
"spirit trumpet" in the air, which the audience
thought was being levitated by supernatural

The pharaohs were buried with their most precious
possessions. Evidence suggests they were a
seriously hedonistic bunch.

Number of popes stabbed, strangled, or poisoned
to death in the last three decades of the 10th
century: Five.


The kind of doctor we all want but only
celebrities seem to have on their payroll.
Anna Nicole Smith died with 11 different
prescription drugs in her system.


Poisoned, shot, stabbed and clubbed but did
not die. Was finally drowned. Here's his penis:'s_penis


Skeleton graves. A bit icky:

Sudden Death Syndrome
A disorder of the electrical system of the heart
that can lead to the death of apparently
healthy people without any warning. It is rarely
diagnosed, most cases being written off as
accidents. To date, scientists have yet to come
up with a cure. Lazy bastards.

Dr Robert Liston, the fastest saw in the west.
In one two-and-a-half minute operation he
amputated the leg of his patient (who later
died from gangrene), sliced the fingers
off his assistant (who later died from blood
poisoning) and slashed through the coat-tails
of a spectator (who dropped dead from fright).
The only operation in surgical history to have
a 300% mortality rate.


Toe Death
1. Louis XIV of France died of gangrene in 1715.
For some time before his death, when he took
his socks off, toes would come with them.
2. Jack Daniels (of booze fame) died of blood
poisoning, six years after hurting his toe when
kicking his safe because he couldn't remember
the combination.
3. Bob Marley developed a cancerous tumour from
a football wound on his right big toe. Danny
Baker often claims it was his kick that did it.
Worried that it would affect his dancing,
Marley refused amputation. The cancer spread
and he died four years later.

The Star Trek fan's euphemism for death is to
"Sleep with the Tribbles".


United States
Eighty percent of people in the United States
die in hospital.


Vampire of Highgate
The Highgate Vampire was said to haunt Highgate
cemetery in the 1970s. Two local exorcists,
David Farrant and Sean Manchester, both
claimed they could kill the creature. They
didn't. The vampire has eluded capture to date.


Who Next?
1. We called William Hill to get odds on Lindsay
Lohan lasting the year. They declined.
2. A review of Pete Doherty's writings on Amazon:
"I have ordered 53 of these books as I
understand that they are written in his blood.
According to my calculations that should use up
about eight pints of it and hopefully bring an
end to the adolescent dribblings of this
smacked-up sub-Dickensian tossclump."
3. Play the death game:

Walt Disney
Walt was not cryogenically frozen; he
just refused to have a funeral. He was
cremated, and his ashes are in a vault.


Xmas deaths
Died on Xmas Day: James Brown, Dean Martin,
Charlie Chaplin, and WC Fields.


Yuri Gagarin
Having safely managed to be the first man in
space, Yuri Gagarin died in a routine training
flight near Kirzhach trying to re-qualify
as a pilot. He is buried in the walls of
the Kremlin.

Your Death.
When is it? Popbitch's is 15th February 2050.


People who prefer their sex partners to be
animals. Kenneth Pinyan (aka Mr Hands) died in
2005 of a perforated colon after an encounter
with a particularly well-endowed stallion.
There's a new film about it.


>> End Bit <<
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Old Jokes Home:
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A: Tequila.

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