Very, very, very good. Bleak and beautiful at the same time.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
22 Steps
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Sunday, February 24, 2008
Pipe, pipe, pipe, pipe ...
Traditional pipes now outnumbered by crack pipes
The British statistical survey has thrown up a quirky piece of data that moralists and church groups have seized upon as a significant milestone in the continuing decay of modern British society.
For the first time there are now more people smoking crack pipes than traditional tobacco pipes, with almost no overlap between the two groups of users. ‘Old fashioned pipes are still popular with certain types of older bearded men; model railway enthusiasts, canal barge restorers and the like, but curiously these tend to be among the least likely people to head into the inner cities to score crack cocaine off their dealer,’reported the survey.
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Saturday, February 23, 2008
Grotbags
Essex man completes 'all the porn on the internet'
Wayne Harris, an unemployed builder from Chigwell made history this week by becoming the first man in the world to have perused all the pornography on the Internet. The historic moment occurred late on Thursday 21 February, when Mr Harris started to notice that some of the images he was accessing seemed a little familiar, and suddenly he realised he was now on his second time around.
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Friday, February 22, 2008
And finally ...
Dramatic increase in the number of proud parents whose sons ‘do something with computers’
The government has been criticised for cutting the number of staff working for the British Jobs Survey, and relying instead on information gathered from the elderly parents of those in work.
The latest figures based on this method of collecting employment data has seen a dramatic rise in the number of people who ‘do something in computers’ with the encouraging news that 100% of them ‘are doing very well.’
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Thursday, February 21, 2008
News Double Bill
Makers of Action Man sued for inadequate equipment
Action Man maker Hasbro is to be sued for failing to provide adequate equipment for toy soldiers going into battle. A support group representing the plastic fighting dolls is claiming that Action Men have been put at risk by being sent into battle with faulty or unsuitable military hardware. A spokesman for the group told reporters ‘It’s an international disgrace that can only be called penny pinching. Plastic boots, guns that don’t fire and ‘armoured’ cars that afford no protection against being knocked off the sofa with a giant plastic sword; our boys deserve better.’
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Office manager ‘pretty sure’ he got away with new wig
Andrew Mullins, a property manager for Brent Council in London, was relieved to report that his first day at work sporting a newly-acquired toupee, had passed without incident.
Forty-eight year old Mullins had taken the decision to buy a hairpiece after concluding that combing over the ‘slightly thinning’ hair on the top of his head with strands from the back and sides was taking too long in the mornings. He didn’t expect anyone would really notice the change, but upon arriving at the office first thing on Monday Mullins had loudly announced to the staff that he had ‘discovered a new barber’, just in case.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Newsbiscuit
Thousands of celebrities audition for ‘America’s Next Top Accountant’
Top singers, actors, dancers and rock stars have all been queuing up in the hope of getting a steady job in accountancy in the latest talent show to top the ratings in the United States.
‘I always had this secret dream that I might one day work in some area of financial management’ said an excited Beyonce, ‘but this TV show means that at last there is the chance that my dreams might come true…’ she said as she practised her audition piece with her calculator and spreadsheet.
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Monday, February 18, 2008
BBC - Clowns
‘BBC excluding us from top broadcasting jobs’ claim Clowns
A spokesman for the UK Clown Council has made a blistering attack on the British Broadcasting Corporation for what he claims is a deliberate policy of systematic exclusion from the major news and current affairs presenting jobs.
Speaking at the annual clowns' convention, Beppo Pagliacci, head of the UK Clowns Council, slammed the BBC for persistent failures to offer career advancement opportunities to members of the clown community. ‘Clowns have been pigeonholed as slapstick circus performers…’ he claimed in an emotional address to members, in which he appeared to both cry and then laugh unconvincingly. ‘If you very long shoes, or a hair that lifts up when you laugh, somehow that makes you unsuitable to present Newsnight’ he claimed.
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Sunday, February 17, 2008
Newsbiccy
Scientists develop condom-flavoured fruit
A team of British scientists have developed a range of condom flavoured fruits, in an attempt to improve the diet of ‘sex-addicted British teenagers’. Research shows that teenagers dislike the unfamiliar taste of fresh fruit and vegetables and so the hope is that they may be tempted to try them if they come in more familiar flavours.
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
It's late, (pop) Bitch !
*****************************************************
Stop. Panda time! Are you an amateur auteur? Make
a panda music video on new Popbitch TV:
http://popbitch.tv
*****************************************************
“50% of the men in prison are loved by their mothers
but they don't love their mothers back” - Mr T
----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 14.02.08 ISSUE 385
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
* Hunting for Chelsy
* Dancing on thin ice
* Charts: Nickelback are number one
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Sweet Child O' Mine <<
London is the future of rock 'n' roll
Slash from Guns n' Roses has retired from the
hard drinking, smacked out, groupie-fuelled
rock scene to a world of suburban family bliss.
Almost. Mr and Mrs Slash have two cute little
boys Cash, age three, and London, who is six.
London may be a chip off the old block.
A babysitter got the full force of Slash Jnr's
charm. She was accosted by London with the words
“You can't get past me unless you take off your
clothes - you're hot!” And when she went to
kiss the boys goodnight he told her he wanted
to stick his tongue down her throat. Alas sleep
didn't come and the boys began to figh. When
Cash started crying to London “You've hurt my
balls again”, the babysitter decided that
night would be her last.
-----------------------------------------------------
Massive Attack will be this year's artistic
directors of the Meltdown Festival.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> What a shower <<
Kerry is the new Oscar Wilde
honk writes:
“Kerry Katona's 'baby shower' at Hospital. Her
'people' had aptly filled the room full of
gawpers and no-marks, indeed the highest level
of celebrity was Ziggy from Big Brother.
“She thanked everyone for coming, then added,
with Wildean comic timing, 'not literally'.
On the plus side, I do have a photo of her
shovelling an armful of chips into her mouth
which I may laminate and put on my fridge
door as a deterrent.”
-----------------------------------------------------
Last week's Dramatic Lemur was in fact a Dramatic
Tarsier. We're told the Tarsier has the longest
continuous unchanged fossil record of any primate.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Dancing on thin ice <<
Garraway ballroom blitzes the Mirror
Will the Sunday Mirror come to regret their
decision to publish the Kate Garraway playing
away story? Convinced there was something
fishy going on, reporters had tailed her
for more than three weeks but the photos
of a slightly shifty embrace outside a pub
were as good as they'd got. An insider tells
us that with no big splash for the front
page confirmed - and a lot of cash invested
in the investigation - they decided to take
their chance and run with it.
*****************************************************
Need some help with your Valentine pulling power?
Paddy gives you £3 FREE PLAY at PaddyPowerBingo.com.
Claim in time for sexy promotions tonight including
Strip Bingo and luxury weekend away.
http://www.paddypower.com/bingo/index.html?AFF_ID=14080
*****************************************************
>> Head-hunter <<
Getting on a story the tabloid way
Nice work if you can get it. A tabloid
dispatched a handsome young reporter to Leeds
with a wad of twenties and the instruction
“to find Chelsy Davy and shag her”.
He's still waiting.
-----------------------------------------------------
Beagle Uno won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel
Club Dog Show. He's the first beagle to be named top
dog. As his owner said, "Snoopy would be proud.”
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Whose relationship split has brought back
the rumours that their union was sparked
by a contract brokered by their
publicists who were keen to dampen down
speculation about both celebrities'
private lives?
-----------------------------------------------------
What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Food for thought <<
Like lambs to the slaughter
Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.
-----------------------------------------------------
Shane Richie said on his Facebook page this week
that “Chris Moyles is a fat unfunny man”.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Valentine's Viola <<
Soothing music to get through this shite
Here's the perfect soothing music for
Valentine's Day. Once a boy soprano, Fredo
Viola is now working on a collaboration with
Massive Attack.
Listen:
http://www.myspace.com/fredoviola
-----------------------------------------------------
Felch Township, in Michigan, hosts the towns of
Felch and Felch Mountain, and was after long-dead
Governor and US Senator, Alpheus Felch.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Toilet humour <<
Jimmy Nail's back to amuse us
Jimmy Nail is back. Don't all cheer at once.
He's starring in a BBC1 sitcom called Parents
of The Band, and plays a former music industry
exec with ambitious plans for his teenage
son's band. TV production folk will shudder.
Crew members remember the shoot for Crocodile
Shoes. Nail hated portaloos, and one day,
needing a dump, got the line producer to
knock on people's doors to ask someone to
let Jimmy use the toilet, until one star-struck
bog-owner said yes.
-----------------------------------------------------
John Leslie spotted in a white linen suit, in a
pharmacist in Sydney's Circular Quay, asking for
something for a rash on his neck.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Buck's Fizz boxers burglary <<
Say sorry to a star with popbitch
two_left_feet writes:
“I was invited to David van Day’s house
for a party during the time he was in Bucks
Fizz. When I got to his house in Hove, his
wife showed us where to put our coats, which
was the room they obviously used as a laundry.
We placed our coats on top of a pile of
clean washing and joined the throng. David and
his wife were great fun and a real laugh and
it didn’t matter that we’d never met. When I
left, very drunk on gin, I decided to borrow
something from the clean laundry basket as a
memento. I left with a pair of M&S knitted
boxer briefs (medium), which I cherished until
I sobered up. Then I threw them out. Sorry
Mr van Day - I can’t begin to tell you how
ashamed I am of this.”
-----------------------------------------------------
Bill Nighy's daughter has this full name: Mary Bing
Jamie Alfreda Leonora Quick Kit Nighy
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Bachelor party <<
What is it about gays and Gruffudd?
MM writes:
“I read your story on Ioan Gruffudd. I am also
a boy who once met him at a party. I had drunk
seven martinis, the free bar had run out, so I
demanded that he buy me a drink and dance with
me. He bought me a sea breeze but just moved
around a bit awkwardly while I threw random
drunken shapes. We chatted and he was totally
charming. And then he went home with my
beautiful friend. And according to her, he
was a great shag.”
-----------------------------------------------------
Arabic countries have adopted a charter to allow
censorship and punishment of satellite TV channels
which offend Arab leaders or religious symbols.
Except Qatar, home to al-Jazeera, who refused.
-----------------------------------------------------
>> Bear cheek <<
All you need to know about Flocke
Disgruntled Berlin zoo-goers are complaining
that Knut is being kept out of visitors' sight
for most days. They claim it's to protect him
but an insider tells us it's all political -
to stop the attention on him and away from
the other animals. So we'd better turn our
attention to Nuremberg's rival polar bear
after all. Five things to know about Flocke:
1. Four people look after her so that she
doesn't get too attached to her owner.
2. Flocke first drew blood with her claws
at 5 weeks old (but didn't mean it).
3. She is fed on a mix of puppy milk, vitamins
and cod-liver oil with a shot of maize
syrup to prevent constipation.
4. Flocke doesn't yet have milk-teeth even
though she's now two months old, and
polar bears usually get them at around 30 days.
5.. When she's about four months old Flocke
will be given porridge with carrots, chopped
liver and mince.
Polar bears and huskies.
Adopted by the religious right:
http://tinyurl.com/2o8pro
*****************************************************
Got a shoe fetish? Check out the gorgeous heels on
show at London Fashion Week at osoyou.com now:
http://www.osoyou.com/lists/507.publisha?utm_source=Popbitch
*****************************************************
>> Things that make you go hmm <<
All you need is love - even otters
Christina Amphlett of The Divinyls is
suffering from Multiple Sclerosis. Remember
her in happier days when she could still
touch herself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTneO6UgRuM
12” 80s Love has the extended mix of ABC's
All Of My Heart, which sounds just perfect:
http://astore.amazon.co.uk/umtv-1280s-21
This week we are loving the clever new wine
things at The East Room, Shoreditch:
http://www.thstrm.com/
Kangaroo self-love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAtpMOEsNRs
Otters getting down to it. Blimey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Jhsv2sPeQ
Feeling neglected this Valentine's? Discoo
loves you. Get £10 on us and Free Delivery
when you spend £40 on a lovely dress or
funky tee. Use code "polarbears" at checkout.
http://www.discoo.co.uk
Cash from luvvies - we reckon the only open
Oscar race is Best Supporting Actress:
http://tinyurl.com/2bnh42
>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 17th Feb
++ Number One
NICKELBACK Rockstar
* The track has been in the top 40 for
16 weeks before hitting number one. A record.
++ Top Ten
DUFFY Mercy
THE FEELING I Thought It Was Over
GOLDFRAPP A&E
++ Top Twenty
PARAMORE Misery Business
TIMBALAND Apologize
>> End Bit <<
Stuff about Popbitch
* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com
* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:
http://www.popbitch.com
* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.
* Web hosting by: http://del.co.uk
* Mail by aysabtu
*****************************************************
Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, x Am, T, HS,
lb, deep_stoat, bobbifleckmann, captbuckeye, AM
tamarabumpdeeay, intheissynoho,
*****************************************************
Old Jokes Home:
A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.
"I was talking to the duck."
Still Bored:
The German sausage rug. Everyone needs one:
http://www.wurstteppich.de/
Monday, February 11, 2008
Feb Fourteenth
A bittersweet Valentine's Day film to send your nearest and dearest.
Music -
Sea Of Love by Cat Power
Love & Happiness - Al Green
Enjoy and share.
P.S. - You can download a version for your mobile phone here - http://www.mediafire.com/?8vmmzmulwmd
Why not send it to your loved ones ?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
BAFTAs - THE WHOLE LOT
SOD IT... HERE YOU GO.
Shrek the Third
The Simpsons Movie
Winners of the 2008 Orange British Academy Film Awards.
* Winner
Best film
ATONEMENT*
American Gangster
The Lives of Others
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Best British film
THIS IS ENGLAND*
Atonement
The Bourne Ultimatum
Control
Eastern Promises
Leading actor
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS - THERE WILL BE BLOOD*
George Clooney - Michael Clayton
James McAvoy - Atonement, James McAvoy interview
Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises
Ulrich Muehe - The Lives of Others
Leading actress
MARION COTILLARD - LA VIE EN ROSE*
Cate Blanchett - Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie - Away From Her
Keira Knightley - Atonement, Keira Knightley interview
Ellen Page - Juno
Supporting actor
JAVIER BARDEM - NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN*
Paul Dano - There Will Be Blood
Tommy Lee Jones - No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson's War
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton
Supporting actress
TILDA SWINTON - MICHAEL CLAYTON*
Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
Kelly Macdonald - No Country for Old Men
Samantha Morton - Control
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Director
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN - JOEL COEN/ETHAN COEN*
Atonement - Joe Wright
The Bourne Ultimatum - Paul Greengrass
The Lives of Others - Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson
Original screenplay
JUNO - DIABLO CODY*
American Gangster - Steven Zaillian
The Lives of Others - Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck
Michael Clayton - Tony Gilroy
This Is England- Shane Meadows
Adapted screenplay
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY - RONALD HARWOOD*
Atonement - Christopher Hampton
The Kite Runner - David Benioff
No Country for Old Men - Joel Coen/Ethan Coen
There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson
Film not in the English language
THE LIVES OF OTHERS*
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Kite Runner
Lust, Caution
La Vie En Rose
Animated film
RATATOUILLE*Shrek the Third
The Simpsons Movie
The Carl Foreman award for special achievement by a British director, writer or producer for their first feature film
MATT GREENHALGH (writer) - CONTROL*
Chris Atkins (director/writer) - Taking Liberties
Mia Bays (producer) - Scott Walker: 30 Century Man
Sarah Gavron (director) - Brick Lane
Andrew Piddington (director/writer) - The Killing of John Lennon
Music
LA VIE EN ROSE - CHRISTOPHER GUNNING*
American Gangster - Marc Streitenfeld
Atonement - Dario Marianelli
The Kite Runner - Alberto Iglesias
There Will Be Blood - Jonny Greenwood
Cinematography
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN - ROGER DEAKINS*
American Gangster - Harris Savides
Atonement - Seamus McGarvey
The Bourne Ultimatum - Oliver Wood
There Will Be Blood - Robert Elswit
Editing
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM - CHRISTOPHER ROUSE*
American Gangster - Pietro Scalia
Atonement - Paul Tothill
Michael Clayton - John Gilroy
No Country for Old Men - Roderick Jaynes
Production design
ATONEMENT - SARAH GREENWOOD, KATIE SPENCER*
Elizabeth: The Golden Age - Guy Hendrix Dyas, Richard Roberts
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix - Stuart Craig, Stephanie McMillan
There Will Be Blood - Jack Fisk, Jim Erickson
La Vie En Rose - Olivier Raoux
Costume design
LA VIE EN ROSE - MARIT ALLEN *
Atonement - Jacqueline Durran
Elizabeth: The Golden Age - Alexandra Byrne
Lust, Caution - Pan Lai
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - Colleen Atwood
Sound
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM - KIRK FRANCIS, SCOTT MILLAN, DAVE PARKE, KAREN BAKER LANDERS, PER HALLBERG*
Atonement - Danny Hambrook, Paul Hamblin, Catherine Hodgson
No Country for Old Men - Peter Kurland, Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff
There Will Be Blood - Christopher Scarabosio, Matthew Wood, John Pritchett, Michael Semanick, Tom Johnson
La Vie En Rose - Laurent Zeilig, Pascal Villard, Jean-Paul Hurier, Marc Doisne
Special visual effects
THE GOLDEN COMPASS - MICHAEL FINK, BILL WESTENHOFER, BEN MORRIS, TREVOR WOODS*
The Bourne Ultimatum - Peter Chiang, Charlie Noble, Mattias Lindahl, Joss Williams
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Tim Burke, John Richardson, Emma Norton, Chris Shaw
Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End - John Knoll, Charles Gibson, Hal Hickel, John Frazier
Spider-Man 3- Scott Stokdyk, Peter Nofz, Kee-Suk Ken Hahn, Spencer Cook
Make-up and hair
LA VIE EN ROSE - JAN ARCHIBALD, DIDIER LAVERGNE*
Atonement - Ivana Primorac
Elizabeth: The Golden Age - Jenny Shircore
Hairspray - nominees to be confirmed
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - Ivana Primorac
Short animation
THE PEARCE SISTERS - JO ALLEN, LUIS COOK*
Head Over Heels - Osbert Parker, Fiona Pitkin, Ian Gouldstone
The Crumblegiant - Pearse Moore, John McCloskey
Short film
DOG ALTOGETHER - DIARMID SCRIMSHAW, PADDY CONSIDINE*
Hesitation - Julien Berlan, Michelle Eastwood, Virginia Gilbert
The One And Only Herb McGwyer Plays Wallis Island - Charlie Henderson, James Griffiths, Tim Key, Tom Basden Soft - Jane Hooks, Simon Ellis
The Stronger - Dan McCulloch, Lia Williams, Frank McGuinness
The Orange rising star award (voted for by the public)
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