It's late, (pop) Bitch !

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“50% of the men in prison are loved by their mothers
but they don't love their mothers back” - Mr T
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POPBITCH           _     _ _
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|_|         |_|   14.02.08 ISSUE 385
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com

* Hunting for Chelsy
* Dancing on thin ice
* Charts: Nickelback are number one
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       >> Sweet Child O' Mine <<
       London is the future of rock 'n' roll

   Slash from Guns n' Roses has retired from the
   hard drinking, smacked out, groupie-fuelled
   rock scene to a world of suburban family bliss.
   Almost. Mr and Mrs Slash have two cute little
   boys Cash, age three, and London, who is six.
   London may be a chip off the old block.

   A babysitter got the full force of Slash Jnr's
   charm. She was accosted by London with the words
   “You can't get past me unless you take off your
   clothes - you're hot!” And when she went to
   kiss the boys goodnight he told her he wanted
   to stick his tongue down her throat. Alas sleep
   didn't come and the boys began to figh. When
   Cash started crying to London “You've hurt my
   balls again”, the babysitter decided that
   night would be her last.


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Massive Attack will be this year's artistic
directors of the Meltdown Festival.
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       >> What a shower <<
       Kerry is the new Oscar Wilde

honk writes:
   “Kerry Katona's 'baby shower' at Hospital. Her
   'people' had aptly filled the room full of
   gawpers and no-marks, indeed the highest level
   of celebrity was Ziggy from Big Brother.

   “She thanked everyone for coming, then added,
   with Wildean comic timing, 'not literally'.
   On the plus side, I do have a photo of her
   shovelling an armful of chips into her mouth
   which I may laminate and put on my fridge
   door as a deterrent.”


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Last week's Dramatic Lemur was in fact a Dramatic
Tarsier. We're told the Tarsier has the longest
continuous unchanged fossil record of any primate.
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       >> Dancing on thin ice <<
       Garraway ballroom blitzes the Mirror

   Will the Sunday Mirror come to regret their
   decision to publish the Kate Garraway playing
   away story? Convinced there was something
   fishy going on, reporters had tailed her
   for more than three weeks but the photos
   of a slightly shifty embrace outside a pub
   were as good as they'd got. An insider tells
   us that with no big splash for the front
   page confirmed - and a lot of cash invested
   in the investigation - they decided to take
   their chance and run with it.


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       >> Head-hunter <<
       Getting on a story the tabloid way

   Nice work if you can get it. A tabloid
   dispatched a handsome young reporter to Leeds
   with a wad of twenties and the instruction
   “to find Chelsy Davy and shag her”.
   He's still waiting.


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Beagle Uno won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel
Club Dog Show. He's the first beagle to be named top
dog. As his owner said, "Snoopy would be proud.”
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     >> Big Questions <<
     What people are asking this week

   Whose relationship split has brought back
   the rumours that their union was sparked
   by a contract brokered by their
   publicists who were keen to dampen down
   speculation about both celebrities'
   private lives?


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What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.
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       >> Food for thought <<
       Like lambs to the slaughter

   Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
   farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
   to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
   is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
   everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
   mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.


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Shane Richie said on his Facebook page this week
that “Chris Moyles is a fat unfunny man”.
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       >> Valentine's Viola <<
       Soothing music to get through this shite

   Here's the perfect soothing music for
   Valentine's Day. Once a boy soprano, Fredo
   Viola is now working on a collaboration with
   Massive Attack.

Listen:
http://www.myspace.com/fredoviola


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Felch Township, in Michigan, hosts the towns of
Felch and Felch Mountain, and was after long-dead
Governor and US Senator, Alpheus Felch.
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       >> Toilet humour <<
       Jimmy Nail's back to amuse us

   Jimmy Nail is back. Don't all cheer at once.
   He's starring in a BBC1 sitcom called Parents
   of The Band, and plays a former music industry
   exec with ambitious plans for his teenage
   son's band. TV production folk will shudder.
   Crew members remember the shoot for Crocodile
   Shoes. Nail hated portaloos, and one day,
   needing a dump, got the line producer to
   knock on people's doors to ask someone to
   let Jimmy use the toilet, until one star-struck
   bog-owner said yes.


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John Leslie spotted in a white linen suit, in a
pharmacist in Sydney's Circular Quay, asking for
something for a rash on his neck.
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       >> Buck's Fizz boxers burglary <<
       Say sorry to a star with popbitch

two_left_feet writes:
   “I was invited to David van Day’s house
   for a party during the time he was in Bucks
   Fizz. When I got to his house in Hove, his
   wife showed us where to put our coats, which
   was the room they obviously used as a laundry.
   We placed our coats on top of a pile of
   clean washing and joined the throng. David and
   his wife were great fun and a real laugh and
   it didn’t matter that we’d never met. When I
   left, very drunk on gin, I decided to borrow
   something from the clean laundry basket as a
   memento. I left with a pair of M&S knitted
   boxer briefs (medium), which I cherished until
   I sobered up. Then I threw them out. Sorry
   Mr van Day  - I can’t begin to tell you how
   ashamed I am of this.”


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Bill Nighy's daughter has this full name: Mary Bing
Jamie Alfreda Leonora Quick Kit Nighy
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       >> Bachelor party <<
       What is it about gays and Gruffudd?

MM writes:
   “I read your story on Ioan Gruffudd. I am also
   a boy who once met him at a party. I had drunk
   seven martinis, the free bar had run out, so I
   demanded that he buy me a drink and dance with
   me. He bought me a sea breeze but just moved
   around a bit awkwardly while I threw random
   drunken shapes. We chatted and he was totally
   charming. And then he went home with my
   beautiful friend. And according to her, he
   was a great shag.”


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Arabic countries have adopted a charter to allow
censorship and punishment of satellite TV channels
which offend Arab leaders or religious symbols.
Except Qatar, home to al-Jazeera, who refused.
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       >> Bear cheek <<
       All you need to know about Flocke

   Disgruntled Berlin zoo-goers are complaining
   that Knut is being kept out of visitors' sight
   for most days. They claim it's to protect him
   but an insider tells us it's all political -
   to stop the attention on him and away from
   the other animals. So we'd better turn our
   attention to Nuremberg's rival polar bear
   after all. Five things to know about Flocke:

   1. Four people look after her so that she
   doesn't get too attached to her owner.
   2. Flocke first drew blood with her claws
   at 5 weeks old (but didn't mean it).
   3. She is fed on a mix of puppy milk, vitamins
   and cod-liver oil with a shot of maize
   syrup to prevent constipation.
   4. Flocke doesn't yet have milk-teeth even
   though she's now two months old, and
   polar bears usually get them at around 30 days.
   5.. When she's about four months old Flocke
   will be given porridge with carrots, chopped
   liver and mince.
  

Polar bears and huskies.
Adopted by the religious right:
http://tinyurl.com/2o8pro


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show at London Fashion Week at osoyou.com now:
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       >> Things that make you go hmm <<
       All you need is love - even otters

   Christina Amphlett of The Divinyls is
   suffering from Multiple Sclerosis. Remember
   her in happier days when she could still
   touch herself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTneO6UgRuM

   12” 80s Love has the extended mix of ABC's
   All Of My Heart, which sounds just perfect:
http://astore.amazon.co.uk/umtv-1280s-21

   This week we are loving the clever new wine
   things at The East Room, Shoreditch:
http://www.thstrm.com/

   Kangaroo self-love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAtpMOEsNRs

   Otters getting down to it. Blimey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0Jhsv2sPeQ

   Feeling neglected this Valentine's? Discoo
   loves you. Get £10 on us and Free Delivery
   when you spend £40 on a lovely dress or
   funky tee. Use code "polarbears" at checkout.
http://www.discoo.co.uk

   Cash from luvvies - we reckon the only open
   Oscar race is Best Supporting Actress:
http://tinyurl.com/2bnh42


    >> Chart Predictions <<
    New entries/High climbers Sun 17th Feb

++ Number One
NICKELBACK Rockstar
* The track has been in the top 40 for
16 weeks before hitting number one. A record.

++ Top Ten
DUFFY Mercy
THE FEELING I Thought It Was Over
GOLDFRAPP A&E

++ Top Twenty
PARAMORE Misery Business
TIMBALAND Apologize


     >> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, x Am, T, HS,
lb, deep_stoat, bobbifleckmann, captbuckeye, AM
tamarabumpdeeay, intheissynoho,
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Old Jokes Home:
A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."

Still Bored:
The German sausage rug. Everyone needs one:
http://www.wurstteppich.de/