Thursday, June 28, 2007

More Popbitch

Britain's Next Top Model, our favourite show of last
summer, returns on Monday 2 July, LIVINGtv, 9pm.

"I realise that the media used me to make fun of
and be mean. I'm frankly sick of it. - Paris Hilton

"It feels like the decision Thierry Henry has had to
make regarding going to Barcelona." - Paul Ince, on
leaving Macclesfield to manage MK Dons.
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|_| |_| 28.06.07 ISSUE 355
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
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* Cheeta lives! And paints watercolours
* Don't touch John McClane's dinner
* Charts: Rihanna is still number one

>> Winning formula <<
Stevenage man in bet of the decade

In 1998 a man watched his son soundly beaten
in a go-kart race by a very fast young driver.
He went to the bookies and asked to put a bet
on this kid winning a Formula One race before
he reached the age of 23.

William Hill laughed him out of the shop, but
Ladbrokes gave him odds of 200-1. After
this month's Montreal Grand Prix, where
22 year-old Lewis Hamilton recorded his first
victory, the chap called up Ladbrokes to claim
his winnings - 40,200 pounds.

Rider of the week: Snoop Dogg's people asked
Live Earth Germany for six hookers.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

It's not just Britain that's obsessed by
gay footballers. There's a huge rumour going
around media circles in Brazil that a top player
in Sao Paulo wants to come out on a TV
show, Fantastico, but that his agent and the
club are trying to talk him out of it.

Which F1 star suspects that's he's been
defrauded by a business partner to the tune of
15 million? He's commissioned a team of
accountants to investigate. Oh well, guess
that would mean selling one of the yachts.

Prince is coming! Get ready for his 21 dates in
London's new O2 by downloading his new single,
Guitar. It's got a hint of Girls & Boys:

>> Ear today... <<
News channels take no chances

Alan Johnston is once again the subject of
gruesome execution rumours. One UK news channel
has asked for a DNA sample from all their foreign
correspondents. If they get taken hostage,
and a piece of their body sent back to their
bosses, they can confirm the veracity of who
the owner is/was. For insurance purposes.

Socialist comedian Mark Steel spotted washing his
smalls in the Crystal Clean launderette, Gypsy Hill.

>> "Znbt - your tea is ready! <<
Modern celebrity parenting problems

Mylene Klass, in OK!, on arguments with her
boyfriend about naming their upcoming baby:

"I want a traditional name but Graham wants
something unusual without any vowels in it."

WWF star Chris Benoit asphyxiated his wife and seven
year-old son. Benoit's signature move in the ring was
the "Cross-Face Crippler", crossing his arms under an
opponent's chin to stop them breathing before
snapping the head back. Nice irony.

>> Owner of a Lonely Heart <<
The real story of Frankie's Relax

Trevor Horn is one of pop's greatest producers.
Along with formidable wife, Jill Sinclair -
the Sharon Osbourne of her day - he
made ZTT Records the most exciting label
of the 80s. One year ago this week, Jill
was shot by their son in a freak accident
and still lies in a coma. Lets celebrate Trevor's
better times with the story behind Relax.

Trevor Horn saw Frankie Goes To Hollywood on
the Tube, loved their look and signed them to
ZTT. He started recording Relax in Sarm studios
with his usual programmers and percussionists.
On the first day they laid down a kick drum,
bass and hi-hat. Over the next few months the
perfectionist Horn created hours of similar
recordings, then wanted a live feel so got The
Blockheads in to play it. He scrapped that, flew
to America and spent more weeks in the studio.
Still not liking any of it he jetted back to
London. One day back in Sarm, Trevor just lies
on the floor smoking a huge joint, seeking
inspiration. The programmer gets out their very
first tape. The sound of a kick-drum, bass and
hi-hat echo around the studio. "That's it!" shouts
Trevor. They use it for Relax and It becomes one
of the most recognisable sounds in pop history.

Popbitch's favourite Wimbledon first round winner:
Roger Vaseline.

>> Brought to book <<
What will Posh Vatoria say

If you needed another sign that the world has
gone mad, Geri Halliwell's books for children
will be published next year. Here's a sneak
preview of Ugenia Lavender. Wonder where
she got her inspiration.

"In the middle of Musical Startroopers Ugenia
heard a noise that sounded like an over-excited
army trumpet. It came from Posh Princess
Vatoria's bottom. "'Ooh that was a good one!'
giggled Posh Princess Vatoria, as an eggy smell
wafted through the tree house.

(And just in case anyone was in doubt, another
character comes along, "Across the green Ugenia
saw Davey Bockham, kicking a football."

Roll on that friendly Spice Girls reunion...


Rob Lowe, on Virgin Atlantic from London to LA on
Monday, charmed the other passengers and helped an
old man who was struggling at the baggage carousel.

>> Cheeta lives! <<
Movie legend - happier than Bubbles

Jiggs the chimp was captured in Africa and
brought to Hollywood where he became the movie
legend "Cheeta", starring in 12 Tarzan movies
in the 30s and 40s, before retiring in 1967
after making Dr Doolittle. Like many of his
Hollywood contemporaries he loved nothing better
than relaxing away from the film set with
cold beer and cigars. Now aged 75 he lives in a
California animal sanctuary, and is officially
the world's oldest chimpanzee.

When chimps retire from acting most are sold
into biomedical research. But Cheeta's
trainer couldn't bear that. He kept Cheeta and
put it in his will for Cheeta to be put down
instead. The trainer's nephew talked him out of
it on his deathbed, adopted him and opened a
primate sanctuary. Sadly for Cheeta it's a
tee-total, no smoking institution, but he still
likes to go out for drive-thru hamburger meals
and enjoys painting abstract art.

Buy an original Cheeta:

Johnny Depp loves liquorice roll-ups.

>> Dead funny <<
Texas execution no laughing matter

On Tuesday Texas executed its 17th prisoner of
the year. But this one, Patrick Knight, was
different. He decided he was going to be the
first prisoner who would tell a joke as his
last words. A myspace page was set up and he
received over 1,300 joke submissions.

So which one did he choose? Strapped to the
chair, waiting for his lethal injection he
announced, "I said I was going to tell a joke.
Death has set me free. That's the biggest joke."

There was no gag to follow. Choking back tears,
his last words were, "Go ahead. I'm finished."

(FYI: We'd probably have gone with:
"Why did the farmer get into punk?
Because he was sick of Hall & Oates.)

Liza Minnelli got off the plane in Brazil gasping for
a cigarette. A waiting photographer handed her a
packet, and she was so happy she gave him a bear-hug.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Warbears, suicide bombers, Joss Whedon

Paris Hilton tells E!'s Ryan Seacrest she
wants to build a halfway house to help women
ex-inmates from Lynwood. Failing that I
guess she could help them by buying her drugs
off them in future... More news:

British Jihadis turn to Islamism not because of
the Iraq war but because it allows them to marry
for love, and not be forced by their families
into an arranged marriage. Great article:

Do not play unless you want to be addicted.
It's the new warbears:

Servalan is now a blogger:

Want to have dinner with Joss Whedon?

Not as Ugly as Betty and other new t-shirts:

Sondre Lerche's album has got a UK release.
Listen to Say It All and get a flavour:

Krumping gets off the LA streets and on to the
driving range:

Watching Big Brother? Bored with Big Brother?
Either way, bet on this week's eviction with us
and make some money:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 1st July

++ Number One
RIHANNA Umbrella

++ Top Ten
JACK PENATE Torn On The Platform
KATE NASH Foundations
ENEMY Had Enough
HOOSIERS Worried About Ray

++ Top Twenty
KLAXONS It's Not Over Yet
BON JOVI Make A Memory

++ Top Forty
WOMBATS Kill The Director
HADOUKEN Liquid Lives
CHERRY GHOST People Help The People
ARTCTIC MONKEYS Fluorescent Adolescent

>> End Bit <<
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theabominablehoman, lovelight, HL, lashdevil, SW

Old Existential Jokes Home:
Two penguins are walking across an iceberg.
One penguin turns to the other and said,
"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."

The second penguin replies, "Maybe I am."

Still Bored?
Even cuter than the sea otters?

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