Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dear Bristol. Hang in there!!!!! XXOO‏

In the mating game you can't afford distractions,
like worrying about underarm sweat. Use Sharp Focus,
the latest anti-perspirant in the Lynx Dry range,
and your 'pits will stay desert-dry and smelling
great - which means that, like our man, you get to
keep both eyes on the prize!

"Treating yourself to something you really like can
make you feel very good" - Colleen Rooney

"I felt like a sweating sea cow" - Billie Piper
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 04.09.08 ISSUE 412
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* Madge and Guy OK, "As far as I'm aware"
* Jamie Lynn Spears loves Bristol "Bristols" Palin
* Charts: Katy Perry is still number one

>> Say my name <<
Album buzz for Borrell

It's been a good summer for pop music. And
there are so many big albums coming out before
Christmas that it should be a good winter.
Rather surprisingly, the album to watch out for
is by Razorlight. Word of mouth from industry
insiders is really good, even though it comes
reluctantly, and through gritted teeth, as most
music business staffers seem to hate
singer Johnny Borrell.

We can't work out why he inspires such dislike.
Surely not because of stories that when he is
on the point of orgasm he likes to ask his sexual
partner, "What's my name?" To which the correct
reply is "Johnny Borrell". A mystified "Er, Johnny?"
Is not good enough and is followed by him
shouting "No! my full name!" Or so we are told.

FYI: The Killers third album is due. They've
shaved, so expect first album synths, rather
than second album U2 guitar anthems.

This Morning agony aunt, Denise Robertson, likes
two gin & tonics and a glass of white wine on the
train back up north from the studio.

>> Duchess author throws strop <<
Says she's an heiress, sits on her terrace etc

Amanda Foreman writer of The Duchess, which has
just been turned into a Keira Knightley film,
was on CNN this morning complaining about the
unwanted attention that an old picture of her
naked in Tatler has heaped on her. She was
quite rightly annoyed that the press had got
hold of it. But where did they find the picture?
Perhaps it was from her own website?


A BBC Wildlife Magazine poll this week announced that
the otter is Britain's favourite mammal.

>> Look - conjoined robot! <<
Guy & Madge display communication skills

Guy Ritchie's PR assault in the press to help
his generally well-received new film, RocknRolla,
has, of course, touched on the state of his
marriage. "I love my wife... she is brilliant at
what she does". It must be these romantic
statements that keep Madonna happy. “Everything
is going very well as far as I’m aware", he then
added, a tad forlornly.

Madonna did turn out to support Guy at the film
premiere. Our favourite comment by a fellow guest:
"Her and Guy did a very bizarre and uncomfortable-
looking locked arms thing for 10 minutes
(including when walking up stairs) that made them
look like a conjoined robot".

Gloria Estefan played a gig on a tennis court in
Marbella last week. It was at the Puente Romana
hotel - a bargain 3500 euros for a box.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which actor, and pop star's father, was described
to us by a comedienne as being “hung like Gollum”?

Which Big Brother 9 contestant was once seen
in a pub on all fours crawling under the tables
to give unsuspecting punters a blowjob?

*** It's the closest BB for years: make some money on
the tedious eviction show. Bet a tenner and get a
free 10 quid matching bet:

FYI: Should the final three be Mikey, Rachel and Sara
as the odds would have it, then history dictates that
a girl should walk away with the crown. Only once
has the majority gender in the final three not won -
when Kate Lawler beat off the challenges of two
boys (Jonny and Alex) in BB3.

A gay version of The Wonder Years is in development.

>> 50 quid for 40 licks <<
You can't always get what you want
stoneageromeo writes:
"John Pasche, the creator and seller of the
Rolling Stones' lips logo, is meant to have
only received GBP50 for his design. Not so.
That may have been the cash that exchanged
at the time but there was more: a promise that
if they were still going in ten years time and
using the logo, John could join the band.

"Ten years passed but instead of letting him
join (the man is SO quiet) they bought him a
rather grand house in Oxshott instead
where he still lives."

There was a barbecue in Measbrook last week. Things
went down like a house on fire but they ran out
of Fosters at 4am.

>> Jake v Carole <<
Let the vendetta begin!

Artist Jake Chapman didn't like something written
about him by The Observer's Carole Cadwallader.
This seems to be his reply (edited highlights):

"Drear Ms Cadwalladr(sic),
I must admit that I failed to notice, until prompted
by my distraught mother, that you really got me good
'n' proper in the Observer, Sunday 17 august - 'look
up 'dog' and 'turd',' you said, 'and you'll find
Jake Chapman'.... and now I'm officially a
'Narcissistic phallus!' Latin is it? I bet it is!
Clever girl.

"I'd naturally plummet for vagina dentata as a
symmetrical riposte, but your wit is so hopelessly
toothless I'm left feeling lightly gummed...
oh dear, the associations are beginning to make me
quite queasy, kippers, your dentured snatch, frumpy
laura ashley blouses reeking of stale mothballs...

"Carole, I was really under the impression that
you'd ejaculated your little public power fit to
satisfactory conclusion the last time you winged
about our lamentable interaction, but no, you're
not yet ready to move on.

"Oh! I can't quite compete with the Observer's
big-wig distribution figures but you'll be amazed
how many people this little chit-chat will find
its way to.
love and kisses.

Sick of being a poker fish? Become a rummy shark!
All those childhood hours playing card games
were worth it after all:

>> Gymslip mom mania <<
Jamie Lynn loves "Bristols" Palin

As if the Republican VP saga wasn't surreal
enough, we get the news that Jamie Lynn Spears
has been sending presents to Bristol Palin.

Britney's little sis has just had a baby aged
17, hoped to marry her childhood sweetheart but
is reading magazine covers saying he's cheating
on her instead. JL sent Bristol a card saying
"Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XXOO" and
"a care package of fancy embroidered burp cloths".

Packaged in a mini pink suitcase, the $60
set of five coordinating burp cloths are
embroidered with Babe, Loved, Yummy, Fresh,
and a skull & bones. JL asked for them in pink,
so looks like Bristol is expecting a girl.

FYI: Us weekly magazine puts Grandma Palin on the front
cover with headline "Mom of five: New embarrassing
surprises", next to a picture of her and Down syndrome baby:

How New York Daily News introduced the Palin pregnancy,
"He's a superhunky bad-boy ice hockey player from cold
country; she's a chestnut-haired beauty and popular
high school senior." We had to stop reading after
Bristol was described as "doe-eyed".

>> How Republicans convene <<
Now it's time to party, party hard

What a shame for Republican delegates that Gustav
put an end to the partying early this week. It
was announced that only "absolutely necessary"
components of the Convention in Mineappolis
would be taking place. Like a boat party -
paid for by chemical industries, a "pig roast
and reggae" event paid for by the oil industry,
and a National Rifle Association party that
was provided with Hookers and Blow, the
name of the resident band for the evening.


Sarah Palin Joke of the week: Fox News: "She does know
about international relations because she is up there
in Alaska right next door to Russia."
Jon Stewart: "Alaska is also next to the North Pole so,
obviously, she must also be friends with Santa."

>> Reach for the toes <<
Will ducklike Rachel master the Foxtrot?

Rachel S Club is going to be on Strictly Come
Dancing. That will be interesting as she has
webbed feet, like a duck. Rachel has tried
to deny it, saying "It's just that my toe next
to my big toe and the toe next to that aren't
separated all the way down." Like a web, then.

Keane's new album is said to be a) really good.
b) A bit Killers. Best comment on internet forums on
Tom Chaplin: "His face is bigger than his head".

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Back of a cab, frog oral, Windy Swetman

One song, one take, one cab. Very cool:

A BA insider tells us our piece on how Olympic
athletes equipment wasn't welcome on BA flights
wasn't totally accurate: "Our baggage & cargo
staff did a sterling job ensuring that team
GB's equipment, including Super Out Of Gauge
items like javelins, pole vaults, canoes and
rowing oars, have been getting out and back
from Beijing as required - even though T5 was
designed to be SOOG free. If it's over 2.4m
long it won't go through the baggage scanners
and should normally be sent as cargo, but even
so we successfully dealt with these items being
checked in as baggage for the games."

Watch cool video:

New Orleans Hurricane helpline Supervisor -
Windy Swetman:

Chimp gets blowjob from frog:

This cartoon was banned by Mormons:

Van Halen admonished John McCain for using
their music. So sit back and enjoy one
of their finest moments:

Only TWO days to go to get your Skin Two
Rubber Ball tickets:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 7th September

++ Number One
KATY PERRY I Kissed A Girl

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
NE YO Miss Independent
STEVE MAC Paddy's Revenge

++ Top Forty
DUFFY Stepping Stone
NKOTB Summertime

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, LM, CS, CP, Sm, copygirl, MW,
rustyintegrale, mercyme, touchmyspasti, Doghouse Dave,
lennie, NL,

Old Jokes Home:
A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and
Peace. The dog sat beside him and the audience was
amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the
film. When the heroine was facing dire straits the
dog would howl and when things were going well
he'd bark and wag his tail.

After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's
owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were
amazing!" The man replied: 'I know, I'm really
surprised. He hated the book."

Still Bored:
A map of fresh-air shagging opportunities:

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