Friday, September 12, 2008

Bad Disney Movie

“Equality is not in being great. Great black people
have always been compensated. The true equality is
the equality to suck like a white man” - Chris Rock

“I wish my parents had spent more time worrying about
my education than me being a star.” - Shania Twain.
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|_| |_| 11.09.08 ISSUE 413
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* God hates UK & Ireland, apparently
* Chris Morris: New TV idea bombs
* Charts: Kings of Leon are number one

>> RIP VMAs <<
MTV make mockery of world

Poor old Britney. Once again used by outside
interests and corporations. Men, mum, record
label, paps - they've all used Brit to make
cash with no regard to her mental health. After
years at the top of pop and some of the greatest
pop songs of the last decade she couldn't get
arrested at MTV awards ceremonies. Now,
as US pop looks, for once, so second rate
that it can't break out beyond tween circles,
Viacom uses the poor, fragile, obviously over-
medicated ex-pop star for publicity and news.
One of the least impressive, least bought records
suddenly make her a star. Yeah right. Nothing
should be able to withstand this amount of
cynicism. Death to the Video Music Awards!

Russell Brand tried to smash the mediocrity, at least.
Enjoy the online comments, many more like this one:
"Russell WHO? I didn't realise this show was an Osama
(sic) campaign rally. Imagine if Cedric the Entertainer
came to London and did a bit about Margaret
Thatcher and Alzheimers." Nick, Austin TX, USA

Russell Brand has/had a black and white cat
called Morrissey.

>> Brass neck <<
BBC say Airline Plot good, Morris bad?

Chris Morris. Role model for news and comedy
shows on TV. He has a brilliant new show idea.
The Brass Eye provocateur has written a comedy
about a Jihadi wannabe suicide bomber cell
in the North of England. It's funny and topical.
The perfect TV show? Well, maybe to you and me.
To the BBC and C4, the channels we hear he
offered it to, it's not. They've said no to it.
Possibly too scared at the subject content?

Did you see the recent "Airline Plot" terror trial?
The jury didn't convict but on the same day, the
BBC thought it was appropriate to use their news
programmes to attack that jury, and put out a
Panorama show called "The Airline Plot" -
when a jury had decided that no such plot existed.
And Morris can't get his show commissioned!

A DRC Government minister has ordered a Kinshasa jail
to release a dozen goats. They were to appear in court,
charged with being sold illegally by the roadside.

>> BBC: arse from elbow? <<
Can you teach a dog New Tricks

The BBC has a series called New Tricks which is
incredibly successful It stars popular but
uncool actors James Bolam, Amanda Redman and
Dennis Waterman as detectives. It's proved
a massive hit with viewers. All good? You'd
think. Except BBC suits HATE it. And its
success. BBC Drama has targets, focus group
works and demographics to hit and this
doesn't. Cue soul searching, and bitter
recriminations among executives who don't
think this should be BBC output.

Best new film to look forward to: JCVD. The story
of an actor called Jean-Claude Van Damme. Starring
an actor called Jean-Claude Van Damme.

>> Horsing around <<
You couldn't make it up

The Bobbi Brown concession at Selfridges
has a lot of wealthy or famous customers.
Recently a wealthy Arab sheik turned up to
buy make up. He wanted it for... his white
stallion. He gave a photo of the horse to
staff and asked them what he needed to
make-up the horse to look beautiful. He
walked off with a haul including brushes,
eye shadows, blushers, gel eyeliner, and
make up remover - costing more than three grand.

Webbed feet, like Rachel Stevens and, it appears,
dozens of Popbitch readers have, apparently are a
sign that your ancestors came from Venice.

>> Drop the pilot <<
They know everything about everyone

One of the best sites now is the Professional
pilots Rumour Network. Here's the latest
celebrities-on-planes news

"Cilla Black - she should be shot"
"You don't talk to Ms Black. Ms Black
will talk to you. Ms Black only sits in 1".

"Michael Winner. Words fail me at how
important he thinks he is".

"Jodie Kidd - she is Michael Winner in drag".

"Friend works on check-in and has witnessed
Madonna throwing her toys out twice - once over
not being able to sit in 1A on Concorde and another
time over not being allowed her excess luggage free.

"Rachel Stevens - cried because we wouldn't
upgrade her"

More next week...

An anagram of Mercury Music Prize winner "Elbow's
Guy Garvey" - Vaguely Web Orgy.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which Brit tabloid hacks covering
Gary Glitter recently has a particularly
strong connection with the story? He lives
in Bangkok and enjoys hanging out in the
under-age bars in the city.

(Ancient jokes home: What's the difference
between Gary Glitter and a greyhound? The
greyhound waits for the hare.)

One of Britain's professors running the Large
Hadron Collider is the ex-keyboard player
of D:Ream, Professor Brian Cox.

>> Fan love <<
Publicists love Leona?

Every week we get thousands of emails from
readers. Sometimes PR companies try to smuggle
stories in. Which do you think this is from
- PR or genuine fan?

"I here from a PA at a big publishing company
that there is a bidding war in progress for the
auction of the first official Leona Lewis book
to be published in 2009 ...... Sound exiting for
her global fans and I am one...
I am sure it will be great. T"

Roger Fisher from Heart has pledged he'll give the
royalties earned from his song Barracuda being played
for Republicans straight to the Obama campaign.

>> God hates the UK <<
And Ireland, apparently

"Have we told you lately that God hates the UK?"
The lovely Phelps family of Westboro Baptist
Church, aka the God Hates Fags gang, have a
new target: the UK.

Apparently we're being punished for our "fag
enabling ways". They blame: The Church of
England, "Enough said about that filthy false
religion". And the Government, "Its head is
the Sovereign, Queen Elizabeth, II. That’s
right - the exact same Queen Elizabeth, II,
who is the head of the Church of England."
No shit, Sherlock.

And God's punishment: London tornado in 2006
(6 injured), the 2003 European heatwave "which
included the U.K" and last but not least,
the Black Plague (1666, when sodomy was very

Next week: "God hates Ireland, Land of
the Sodomite Damned"


JS writes: "David Walliams was in Wagamama Dublin.
Very unassuming and has lost weight. IDNSH noodles."

>> Horse play <<
Nagging the best man

Australian weddings can be weird things. A
stag night in Sydney recently went so wrong it
went to court. Everything was going well, the
stripper was popular, until the best man was
called upon to do his bit. He ended up on all
fours, with the stripper on top of him, brandishing
a dildo. The, apparently conservative best man
is said to have told the stripper, "don't put
it in". "Moments later the best man squinted
and got up quickly, calling the stripper an
idiot and telling her to leave", the court heard.

"I feel that my manhood has dropped a bit," he
told police in his statement.

And the name of the stripper who ended up
"riding him like a horse"? Linda Naggs.

The three Jonas Brothers have a secret handshake.
One of them is diabetic.

>> Love wars <<
Bristol hits the baby news again

France's Minister of Justice, Rachida Dati,
has announced she is pregnant, but isn't
going to say who the father is. Spanish media
has started to report that one celebrity is
denying he is the father. Ex-President Jose
Maria Aznar. Apparently the two have been
friends for a while, and were spotted
recently partying at Paris' Bristol hotel
with the Sarkozys and Julio Iglesias.
Aznar, you may remember, made his name
on his Islamaphobia. Dati is half Morrocan
and half Algerian.

Anon writes: "Just seen your story on Carole
Cadwallader. She was sued once by a celebrity Brazilian
waxer and landed the Observer with a ฃ12k damages bill
for a three paragraph article. Not the brightest...?"

>> Sin City <<
Leather nights of Berlin

Last weekend was the Folsom Street Fair fetish
event in Berlin. The main party, PiG, was held
at a huge power station in Rummelsburg, East
Berlin. There were more than 3000 men in fetish
gear. Including George Michael. Nowadays gay
pop stars' dream is a West End Show. At
least George still shows them how it's
supposed to be done.

George has, rightly, been named as one of
Britain's top gays by Well
they call it "Poster Children for Sin" but we
prefer to accentuate the positives. Making up
the top five are Sir Elton John, Nicholas
Boles, Sir In McKellen and Boy George.

Jenna Dewan, the girl who Justin Timberlake left
Britney for, is getting married to Channing Tatum, who
was brilliant in A Guide To Recognising Your Saints.

>> Techdance <<
Ashton Kutcher gets on the web

Techcrunch 50 is, apparently, the Sundance of the
Tech Industry. It took place this week in San
Francisco, and Ashton Kutcher went along to launch
his new website. How 2001 of him! Our spy said:

* Demi Moore spotted wandering around "looking
shiny and expressionless" And she nearly broke
someone's nose trying out a Wii style golf game
on an iPhone.
* Ashton Kutcher "seemed to have B.O."
* Samantha Ronson DJd the Facebook afterparty:
"She did actually mix the records herself
(unlike Geldof, Lawler etc) but she wasn't very
good at it."
* Jack Johnson played the iPod press conference.
"He was rather good."
* Steve Jobs not dead, looks better than he did.
* Steve Wozniak is fat, but good-natured and
posed for photos with awestruck geeks.

Kutcher's site:

Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany. Billie
Piper's middle name is Paul.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Palin porn, dog on wheels, Polish posters

"It's like a really bad Disney movie":
Matt Damon on politics. Interested in dinosaurs:

Super-cool film posters:

Kevin Godley has a dog on wheels.

James Whale has a great new TV job:

Sarah Palin porn-a-like:

GOLD - Like a mini-Latitude or Bestival but with
no mud. Booker Prize authors, 5-star Edinburgh
comedy, Luke Wright's Poetry Parlour, Martin
Creed's band, Gay Bingo, Heartbreak etc. 1pm -2am,
Saturday 27th September, Shoreditch Town Hall

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 14th September

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
CLIFF RICHARD Thank You For A Lifetime

++ Top Twenty
IGLU & HARTLY In This City

++ Top Forty
FLOBOTS Handlebars
CANCER Just Stand Up
BASSHUNTER Angel In The Night
SAM SPARRO Black & Gold
MIA Paper Planes
ELBOW One Day Like This

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, LM-ES, CS, xxx, SW, AP, R,
deep_stoat, abominablehoman, opus, Plamen,
party_b, patorubio, el_presidente

Old Jokes Home:
A deaf old man goes for a checkup to the doctors
with his wife.
Doctor, slowly: "Mr Roberts, I need a urine sample,
a faeces sample and a sperm sample please".
"What did he say dear?" says old Mr Roberts.
Mrs Roberts: "He says he needs your underpants".

Still Bored:
9/11 - seven years on:

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