Thursday, May 08, 2008

You're having a ...

Are you British in bed? Take a peep at how Brits
make love and try the sexual nationality test on, brought to you by K-Y®
Touch Massage 2 in 1.:

“Go and Google Michio Kaku and see what he says
about time” - Madonna
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|_| |_| 08.04.08 ISSUE 396
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* Giselle loves cheesecake
* Paging Mr G Raffe and Mr C Lyon
* Charts: Madonna is still number one

>> Single life <<
Amy cracks on without Blake

Prison sources say that Amy Winehouse and
Blake have finally split. There were a lot
of tears on a recent visit. Then Blake is
supposed to have told friends that in
reality he and Amy were doing so many drugs
they hadn't really had sex for months
before he went inside.

Giraffes don't need much sleep. Some only take 10
minutes in a 24 hour period.

>> Paging Mr G Raffe <<
Readers - please don't call Dublin Zoo

Dublin Zoo's phone system has gone into meltdown.
Some wag has been sending multiple texts asking
people to call their phone number and “ask for
Mr G Raffe or Mr C Lyon or Anna Conda”.

Marketing Manager Veronica Crisp said, "It might
be kind of funny the first few times but we
have lost our sense of humour with the calls
coming in at the rate of 13 a minute.”

A Japanese council employee has set a record for
surfing porn at work. 750,000 dirty websites in
nine months. Equal to 20 pages per minute at his desk.

>> Parlez-vous Prune-tang? <<
How to keep up with pensioner sex-talk

The retired wrinkly set in Florida, armed with
prescription drugs, time and freedom, are
enjoying shagging well into their twilight
years. The men have a new term for it:

"I'm gettin' me some Prune-tang tonight".

Ever cracked the whip? Or maybe wept for joy?
Tell ghd everything at

>> Big Questions <<
The blind items leading the blind

Which two LA-based superstars have started
jogging together. Beverly Hills neighbours
are enjoying gossiping about what they
do to warm down.

Jessica Liberty X and husband Kevin Pietersen
spotted at Big Easy, Chelsea, eating stacks of
ribs, not uttering a word.

>> Summer sounds <<
News from the studios

What our music spies tell us about albums
currently recording:

*Arctic Monkeys - brilliant, full of energy.

*Kaiser Chiefs - hmmm. What's happened
to Ricky Wilson's voice?

*Travis - brought in a full choir.
Need we say more?
(Apart from are they still going?)

mr_apricot writes “Tony Hadley came into my polling
station last Thursday. He took one look at the queue
and decided to leave. No idea if he came back later.”

>> Spectorwatch <<
When Phil was still a producer

Phil Spector was in the studio making an
album with Starsailor. He kept taking photos
of himself. No one knew why. It transpired
that as there were no mirrors in the studio
he kept taking photos to make sure his wig
was on straight.

Government ministers in Bahrain have called for gays
to be “rooted out” of hair salons, and debating whether
to instruct teachers to look out for homosexual
tendencies in children and “punish them accordingly”.

>> Cheesy behaviour <<
All hands on deck for supermodel

Gisele was in London doing a campaign
for Aquascutum. While shooting at Tate Modern
the model decided she wanted cheesecake, so
two girls from the company's marketing dept.
were sent to buy several slices of two
different cheesecakes from a French patisserie
and get them biked over.

Claire from The Apprentice recently got a
Brazilian wax in Tooting.

>> Spurred on to apologise <<
Say sorry to a star - eventually!

GS writes:
In 1962 I was doing an evening paper round
in Walthamstow. One of my customers was
Sedgewick's Sports Shop in Forest Road,
delivering the Evening News. There were two
London evening papers in those far off days.
One night I pushed the door open a bit more
firmly than usual and heard a muffled cry
and an oath from the other side. Upon
entering I discovered to my horror that I
had physically damaged the toe of Tottenham
Hotspur defender Dave Mackay. I was so
mortified - a 13 year old thinking that he'd
ended the career of one of his Spurs heroes -
that I just dropped the paper and ran.
Thankfully it didn't permanently blight his
career but it's stayed on my conscience ever
since. So, if you're reading this Dave, I'm
sorry for flattening your toe."

Before her gig at the Empress Ballroom, Blackpool,
last week, Bjorn ate a prawn salad at Talbots
restaurant. She tipped the waiter two pounds fifty.

>> Brian down under <<
What ex-Mr Katona did next

Brian McFadden has a new album out down under.
Last week he played an acoustic gig in the
canteen of an Auckland, New Zealand, newspaper
company last Thursday. Someone in the
advertising department had won a radio
competition. He and another guy sat next to
the fridge and the coffee machine and sang
(in tune as well, we hear) to a crowd of
about 50. He made a joke about his new single
Like Only A Woman Can, saying “Perhaps today
that should be 'Like Only a Woman Canteen".
No one else laughed. An onlooker said he
now looks like “a young version of
Simon Le Bon”.

Brian later told the media the experience
was weird."The smell was strange. It was the
second time I've done it - yesterday I did
it in a carpark, which was really bizarre."
He also said "There's as much chance of
me going into the Backstreet Boys as there
is of me going back into Westlife."

(FYI: Brian's a bit of star in Oz. He's making a
TV show called Football Superstar - which is
supposed to be a cross between America's Next Top
Model and Pop Idol).

Popbitch's favourite Manhattan lawyer, Sulliven
and Cromwell's Sue H Yoo.

>> Rail woes <<
Second class Self

Brainwrong writes:
“My train broke down and I got stuck at Bletchley
station last week. A new train eventually
arrived and I noticed author Will Self getting
on a 1st class carriage. Because of the delay
a few of my colleagues also went and sat in 1st.
Before long the train manager got on the speaker
to say that anyone in 1st class with a standard
ticket would need to move or they would be
charged a fee. My colleagues glumly walked
through the train back to the standard
carriages. Surprisingly, they were closely
followed by Mr Self.

Giraffes were thought to be mute, but this is not
true. They can hiss, snort, and make strange
flute-like noises.

>> Popbitch (hearts) Ronnie <<
O Sullivan Mum hasn't coolest name

We love Ronnie O'Sullivan and hope he doesn't
decide to retire. O'Sullivan is right-handed,
but often plays left-handed. When he first
played left-handed, in the 1996 World
Championship his opponent, Alain Robidoux,
accused him of disrespect. O'Sullivan responded
that he played better with his left hand than
Robidoux could with his right. Summoned to a
disciplinary hearing O'Sullivan was told to
play three frames of snooker against former
world championship runner-up Rex Williams
to see if he would face disrepute charges.
He won all three frames.

(FYI: Ron's mum is called... Maria Antoinetta
O Sullivan.)

Tell me you couldn’t resist putting this guy
in a headlock:

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Meat drinks, Cat, Jonathan King

World's most annoyed cat?

Jonathan King has made a thoughtful study
about what its like to be arrested for
sex offences. With added songs and nudity:

Meat drinks:

Animal kingdom's odd couples
(the pig/tiger love is only going to end one way)

Chateau Roux are celebrating their new look Newburgh
St shop with four limited edition t-shirts designed
by the Super Indelible lads. Details: 0871 200 3351

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 11th May

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
WILEY Wearing My Rolex

++ Top Twenty
JAMES FOX & CARDIFF CITY FC Bluebirds Flying High

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, Pissedandpierced,
JF, MC, R, KS, Fatlimey, cunningstunt, AD, TL

Thanks: TIO PEPE for the Gourmet Grazing Box

Old Jokes Home:
Q: Why do Austrians go raving?
A: They love a little underground house.

Still Bored:
Even the llamas back Barack Obama!

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