Friday, May 16, 2008

Did you hear ?

Ever cracked the whip? Or maybe wept for joy?
Tell ghd everything at

“I was shocked when I read about the man in
Austria who kept his daughter in a dungeon.
It's so sad.“ - Coleen McLouglin
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|_| |_| 15.04.08 ISSUE 397
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* Footballer's lives: hard
* Apprentice impresses ladies with window skills
* Charts: Ting Tings are number one

>> Quokka shocka! <<
Australian Liberal sniffs chair, animal...

Two years on from Mark Oaten’s scat confessions,
his fellow Liberal and leader of the opposition
in Australia Troy Buswell has admitted being
a chair-sniffer. A former staffer in Buswell's
office said he once started to grab the office
chairs going 'aahww, which one did you sit in?
I’ll be able to tell'. Buswell was “groaning
and making sexually satisfying noises.. It
was awful”, continued the staffer, “My
colleagues were just stunned into silence.”

Sacked front-bencher Paul Omodei has claimed
there are “more stories” to come about his
colleague. And at a press conference on
Wednesday Buswell was forced to deny publicly
that “something inappropriate in the past may
have happened” between himself and a Quokka,
a small wallaby-like marsupial native to
Rottnest Island off the West coast of Australia.

Not such an innocent quokka? Photo:

Burma newspaper, The New Light Of Myanmar, vaguely
mentioned the cyclone this week. But had way more
on Man Utd's league win and a story on “BBC Admits to
holding on to charity money.” Very Daily Mail.

>> Lee's laws <<
Footballers like holidays

With the football season drawing to a close,
Europe is getting excited about the start
of the European Championships. England's
players must be gutted not to be there. Or
so you'd think. According to ex-England star
Lee Sharpe some players dreaded the call
up to the national team. Because, he
explained, you never got the chance to go
on proper holidays as you were always
playing football in the summer.

FYI: Alexander Hleb was drinking a beer with
Arsenal fans at his missus's gym this week,
the Esporta in Swiss Cottage, but saying nothing
about his transfer. A gym mole claims Mrs Hleb
is leaving the gym. So that's that.

Thought celebrity TV couldn't get any worse? Coming
soon, Celebrity Cash In the Attic. John McCririck
and Brian Conley are among the guests. (Going
rate for appearing? 500 quid.)

>> My name is Caan, James Caan <<
BBC business gurus (heart) Daniel Craig

The Dragons found themselves denless ahead
of the last series of Dragons Den, after
the warehouse in which their entrepreneur-
baiting inexplicably takes place was sold
off for redevelopment as luxury flats.
Instead, at great expense, the BBC has
recreated the attic - giant clocks, chains,
piles of fake money and all - in a studio at
Pinewood, directly adjacent to where the
new James Bond is being filmed.

Filming for the new series is currently taking
place, and Deborah Meaden, Duncan Bannatyne
et al are said to be "terribly starstruck"
and keep hanging around outside hoping to
catch sight of Daniel Craig.

Build your own Den:

Tina Turner's South of France villas has an
amazing, huge swimming pool. But it's only about
three feet deep, as Tina can't swim.

>> Big Questions <<
The blind items leading the blind

Which skinny Hollywood blonde has developed
a Westbrook-level cocaine habit. She didn't
even bother to stop hoovering lines when
going for a hair cut recently.

John Prescott was at a Westminster reception this
week. He walked in late, told Andrew Robathan MP to
"fuck off" and then said to The Telegraph's Mandrake
columnist "Aren't you that cock from Sky News?"

>> Spectorwatch <<
The men in white coats never far away

Phil Spector needs to take a lot of medication.
He has a talking pillbox. When he needs to
take another tablet the pillbox says,
“take a pill, take a pill”.

Overheard on the London - Manchester train: Steve
Coogan. He was going to spend an evening with
friends in the lakes, has just sold part of production
company Baby Cow and stands to make a million.

>> Say sorry to a star <<
Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body...

G Writes:
“In July 1991 I went to a concert by jazz
pianist Keith Jarrett at the Royal Festival Hall.
My stoner mate Hippy Nick and I had little
money, so at the interval we waited around to
'swipe' any unclaimed pre-ordered interval
drinks that were left on a table next to the bar.
One minute before the gig resumed we thought
everyone had gone back in, so we grabbed the
pint of lager and a G&T that were left on
the table.

“All of a sudden, Bill Oddie and his wife
came in, looked at the table then complained
loudly at the bar that their drinks weren't there.”

“Sorry, Bill, it was me and Hippy Nick. I'll
buy you a pint next time I see you. The guilt
has been almost too much to bear.

The Press officer for Brita Water Filters:
Ms Lucy Drinkwater.

>> “So there was this office...” <<
Gervais gets the recycling bug

JF writes:
“Channel Four On Demand is fantastic - but
maybe not for Ricky Gervais. His chat show,
Meet Ricky Gervais (originally aired in 2000)
is on 4OD and it seems apparent to me that
many of the jokes from his 2007 Fame tour
are cribbed from the then-seven year-old show.

Mariah Carey gets married just as Madonna's album
is released. Coincidence?

>> The management <<
Football bigwigs let their hair down

jacques_as_in_hattie writes:
“My League Manager's Awards gossip:
* Fabio Capello's head really is several sizes
too large for his body. He managed three
sentences of mangled English but was still
considerably more eloquent than Howard
Wilkinson, whose "jokes" at the expense of
the absent Steve McClaren went down like a
lead er... umbrella.
*Big Sam Allardyce and his scary entourage
(Harford, Sanchez, Calderwood) held court
at the bar and complained loudly and repeatedly
about the beer being warm - which, it was.
* My Most Pissed Award of the night goes
to Dave Bassett.

Popbitch's favourite firm of solicitors -
Leamington Spa's Wright Hassall.

>> Car trouble <<
Westcountry girls - easily fooled

Kevin from the Apprentice has a Porche.
Back before this, we hear, he used to
borrow his mum’s Ford Fiesta.

To impress the Westcountry girls he used to
pretend that the car had electric windows.
Kevin did this by winding down the windows
with subtle little hand/arm movements and
by imitating the noise of an electric window.

See who wowed – and who didn't – at this week's
SATC movie premiere. Mentioning no names *cough*
Alex Curran *cough*.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Train tug, cute kitten, eye-bogglers

A female train driver on a train to
Amsterdam decided to, ahem, stoke her own
boiler, but forgot to switch the
intercom off:

Beat the credit crunch with our massive
t-shirt discounts - get ready for summer:

18 - 26 and bored of the pub? Get tickets for
top London nights out from as little as £5 at

10 optical illusions in 2 minutes:

Cute kitten:

Beth Rowley: the new blonde bombshell
with real talent

Song for summer:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 18th May

++ Number One
THE TING TINGS That's Not My Name

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
NE-Yo Closer

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, SW, cunteye, deep_stoat
thetuftyclub, GD, HL, D, spudbunny, plastiktom, JP

Old Jokes Home:
Q) What's the difference between Jesus
Christ and Silvio Berlusconi?

A) Berlusconi has never been found
guilty at a trial.

Still Bored:
Bears on a playground

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