Thursday, April 24, 2008


Divorce cost him an arm and a leg, so how much dough
has Sir Paul McCartney got left? Find out with The
Sunday Times Rich List, the final word on who's richer
than who in Britain today.

"If I take a dog for a walk, apparently I'm
fucking my dog!" - Gerard Butler
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
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|_| |_| 23.04.08 ISSUE 394
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* Tall Tiger tales
* Where's Maddie?
* Charts: Estelle is number one

>> His God materials <<
Wedding day bliss for Pullman

Philip Pullman may be one of our foremost
atheists but his son got married at the weekend
in a Catholic church with full mass, a choir
and a soloist who sang Ave Maria. Pullman even
gave a reading from Corinthians ending "God
is love", to one or two raised eyebrows. He
didn't, however, take communion.

A writes: “When I worked at HMV in the early 90s Mike
Nolan was browsing through the cassette section. I
walked up to him and asked if he needed any help or
was just making his mind up? He didn’t smile. At all.”

>> Where's Maddie <<
The joys of community journalism

The current trend in news journalism is to
let the viewers do the work. But the rise of
photos and videos from amateur mobile phone
cameramen is not without peril, thank God.
One 24 hour news network didn't spot that
someone was sending them in photos of the
London Olympic torch procession and photo-
shopping images of Maddie McCann into the
crowd. Oops.

For everyone who entered our Playstation Buzz!
league. Winner: SDG (14537). Runners up: Eric
Burdon, Dropoft, Alans Your Man. If you didn't win,
you can buy the Buzz! pop quiz game here:

>> Big Questions <<
The blind items leading the blind

Which late night TV show presenter pairing
are all smiles on screen but once the cameras
stop rolling the mutual hatred is bubbling up.
The longer-haired presenter is jealous at the
attention the other is getting. And the other
can hardly hide his contempt for what he
(somewhat correctly) considers the other's
lack of talent.

Which Pirates of the Caribbean star is still
talked of in hushed tones by Bahamian locals,
where II and III were filmed, thanks to his
super-human habit of drinking three bottles
of very fine red wine every day?

“Gossip keeps people’s behaviour in check because
they want to look good to others and don’t want to
be thought badly of”, according to scientists.”

>> The Ken and Eric show <<
Finding Cantona in Salford today

Ken Loach is making a biopic of Eric Cantona's
time at Man Utd, provisionally titled Finding
Eric. The director hasn't lost his “man of the
people” credentials. Rather than staying in
the posh Lowry Hotel he's in a big standard
3 star place, refusing the services of a
chauffeur and spending his 35 quid a day
per diem in Pret a Manger on food for his
staff. He and the Cantona family have been
travelling around by tram or minicab.

Sam Neil spotted buying lunch at Villandry's new
sandwich bar. He ordered chicken with garlic mayo.

>> Happy meal <<
Madonna and Guy still friendly, shock

Madonna and Guy dined at Cecconi's last week.
People on the next table report the famous
pair spent the evening chatting happily with
each other.

Our spy escaped to the restrooms to call a
friend. She didn't see that Madonna had also
gone to the bathroom, and as she stood by
the basins excitedly whispering down the phone
Mrs Richie came out of the cubicle and
walked straight past her (without washing
hands) back to her seat. Cue an uncomfortable
rest of meal.

Meg Ryan has been in London with her adopted daughter
Daisy, who is “cute enough to sell on to Madonna”.
Meg's forehead doesn't move much but she's ditched
the Daffy Duck lip implants.

>> Klaxon alert <<
Jools Holland guests beware

BBC Entertainment has a new joke. Q: What's the
definition of a bad party? A: Two many Klaxons,
not enough beer. The band for some reason went
all to the filming of Jools Holland's show and
sat in the audience drinking just about all of
the free booze set aside for the “talent”.
And Pixie Geldof, taking after her sister,
started to snog the fat Klaxon whenever the
camera was on them.

Princessnasty writes: “I flew back from Barbados this
week next to L'wren Scott, Mick Jagger's girlfriend.
She's freakishly tall with surgery scars behind her
ears. Mick's gone down a gear from Jerry Hall.”

>> Conspiracy theory corner <<
What to worry about after Diana

There's a weird new theory that Sonny Bono
didn't die in an accident, he was assassinated.
Some FBI agent reckon drug and gun runners
killed him on the ski slopes, through a staged
ski accident. One investigator said that he sent
Bono evidence that top US government officials
were linked to arms and weapons dealers. Less
than a month later, Bono was dead.

Nigella Lawson shopping in DKNY Selfridges. She had
bird shit on her arse.

>> Talent vortex <<
Dirty bomb required

Where's al-Qaeda when you need it? This press
notice hit our inbox:

2008 NBC universal All-American summer press day”
What: press event
Where: The Langham, Huntington Hotel & Spa
(formerly the Ritz Carlton)
When: Friday, May 2, 2008
Who: Simon Cowell, David Hasselhoff, Piers
Morgan, Jerry Springer, Hulk Hogan...

Karen from Will & Grace (Megan Mullally) was the
original choice to play Tom Cruise's hooker
friend in Risky Business.

>> Pigs in space <<
Moon landings almost go Loony Tunes

celtiagirl writes:
“A lovely old chap at the BBC who'd been in
charge of covering the first moon landing once
told me that if the NASA mission had gone
wrong, the only tape they had lined up to cut
to was a Warner Bros Porky Pig cartoon.
That's all folks.”

Popbitch's favourite licensing co-ordinate: Royal
Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead's David Barwise

>> The prisoners of Abkhazia <<
Post-conflict traumatised monkeys

The world's leading centre in Medical Primatology
is in the Georgian breakaway republic of
Abkhazia. Sadly, this post-Soviet, post-
conflict Research Institute of Experimental
Pathology is now little more than a run-down
zoo, housing 286 inbred, traumatised monkeys.
The institute was started by an eminent Soviet
biologist, Ilya Ivanov. In its heyday it
provided the monkeys that went up into space.

Ivanov pioneered the science of artificial
insemination to create inter-species hybrids,
like the Zeedonk (zebra/donkey). He was
really attempting to create a human-ape hybrid.
In the 1920s Ivanov inseminated two female
chimps with human sperm. It didn't work. He
moved to Guinea to get human females pregnant
by chimp sperm, but was stopped by the French
authorities. He started the Institute in Georgia
to carry on his work but eventually fell out of
favour, and died in a prison camp.

More on the monkeys:

Memphis, Tennessee is USA's most obese city.

>> Tall tiger tales <<
Siegfried and Roy revealed

Siegfried and Roy's secrets finally look set
to be revealed. A new book about the tiger
loving twosome claims:

* Siegfried and Roy enjoyed foursomes with
Liberace and his boy-toy Scott Thorson
* Siegfried was so scared of the animals
he'd never even hold their leashes.
* Their tricks are done with body doubles
and concealed panels.
* Roy died for a while during surgery
after being bitten by Montecore the tiger.
* Shirley MacLaine is one of many of
their friends who believes Roy did
die and that Siegfried parades around a
hired lookalike.
* the animals had to be zapped with electric
prods to perform.

FYI: The Secret Life of Siegfried and Roy: How
the Tiger Kings Tamed Las Vegas:

The only way to throw a huge party via the internet
without the risk of having your house demolished and
your Dad beaten up:

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Cats, dog pedicures, Gordon Brown

Crude granny abuse, or a practical measure?
You decide:


In case anyone missed Gordon Brown's career-
defining appearance on American Idol:

Think your dog needs a pedicure? Get
it some nail varnish:

Otter v swan

Don't forget tomorrow, Friday, is Eurovision
night! See this year's acts at The Scala,
London. Get your tickets, quick:

Beauty and the Dirt are running special
competition. Popbitch readers can win a
BlackBerry Pearl 8110 and DVDS for 30
Rock, Chromophobia and 10 Items or Less etc:

Blimey, how big are turtle schlongs?

Primordial dwarf of the week. Very sweet:

Mixmag is 25 this month! No need to feel old,
catch the highlights:

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, mumbles, dollymixture,
J, lang, danceswithmustelids, richjohnston, A, honk
politicschimpette, spank_daley, 7zark7, celtiagirl

Old Jokes Home:
Kerry Katona walks in to a pet shop and says 'do
you sell large white bears?

Before the shopkeeper can answer a man rushes in
and says “Don't serve her, she's escaped
from the Priory'.

What's wrong? says the pet shop owner.
“She has 'buy polar" disorder”.

Still Bored:
Stars of YouTube bloodbath and (at 19:45 mins) a
brilliant explanation about the internet (It's a
full episode so takes a while to load):

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