Thursday, March 13, 2008

You Bitch

Spice up your Friday afternoon by becoming a horse
racing expert. Kauto Star vs Denman in the Cheltenham
Gold Cup - it's the race of the century. Get a FREE
£25 bet and 20% better odds with Betfair here

"The truth is, it's crazy to be able to
kiss your best friend. It's just a really
awesome thing” - Pete Wentz, Fall Out Boy
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|_| |_| 13.03.08 ISSUE 389
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* Eurovision is back - and we're all going French
* Horse up your life with the Cheltenham Gold Cup
* Charts: Duffy is still number one

>> Hamass <<
The donkeys of Gaza do a dirty protest

In Gaza this week there was a demonstration
by animals for human rights. Eight camels bearing
“Save the Children of Gaza” signs; two dozen
donkeys, including one in a Hamas headband;
10 horses and nearly 100 sheep were brought to
the UN building. After a few minutes the beasts
started a dirty protest. Some defecated in
the streets, while the donkeys started shagging
each other. Journalists found it almost
impossible to do a straight piece to camera
without some animal porn behind them.

Gay tory MP Alan Duncan has a new nickname among
some journalists at Westminister. Impressed at his
ability to quietly collar people in the corridors,
they've taken to calling him The Pink Panther.

>> Spiderdad <<
Tobey's laid-back parenting

Tobey Maguire was recently at a children's party
in LA with his small daughter. Ruby, about 16
months old, spent much of her time trying to
stand up and walk. When other parents tried to
help Tobey shooed them away, saying he thought
adults put too much pressure on children to walk,
and that the babies would get there without
help when they were ready. Tobey always talked
to his daughter about what he was about to do,
like "Do you want to be picked up? I'm going
to pick you up if that's alright with you."

No longer a gruesome twosome? Jarvis Cocker and
wife Camille. Fashion insiders are talking with
sadness about the problems the pair have been having.

>> Clubwars <<
It's like it is 1995 again

All Around the World have been quiety building
up a massively successful pop-dance brand,
Clubland. Not to be outdone, Ministry of Sound
has responded with Hard2Beat Records, home of
Basshunter and H Two O. Last night in west London
Clubland held a gig for over 3000 teenagers.
All decked out in orange lycra, blowing whistles
and waving glowsticks (Clubland sold 16,000
branded glowsticks last week) the kids went
mental to the sounds of Scooter, Cascada et al
We're told AATW scanned the guestlist to stop
Ministry spies coming in, but some managed to make
it through. Whatever you do avoid central Manchester
on Friday. Clubland take over G-Mex, with 12,000
spangled teens. (Although, secretly, we can't
wait for the Scooter Greatest Hits to arrive.)

A source at the Portland claims Victoria Beckham has
an imminent appointment with celebrity childbirth
expert Dr Gillard. Baby no 4 announcement soon?

>> Why the long faces? <<
It's Cheltenham Gold Cup Friday

Horse racing: animals, booze, betting, and
even the chance to bump into George Clooney,
as he's been at Cheltenham this week. What's
not to like? If you don't normally follow
racing, Friday afternoon's Gold Cup is a good
place to start. It's like the Eurovision Song
Contest of the horse world, and not as
confusing to follow as the Grand National.
Here's the popbitch guide:

1. Gold Cup - 3.30pm Friday, so a great
way to waste an afternoon with colleagues.
2. The two best horses in UK race against each
other (and around 14 others) over big fences.
Kauto Star and Denman are trained by the same
person and live side-by-side in adjoining stables.
3. Pronounce Kauto Star caught-o not kate-o to
show your expertise. He won last year's race and
is the first horse in his stable to be fed every
morning (which might piss off Denman), he's a
Pisces “compassionate, empathetic, imaginative,
sensitive”, and his nickname is The
Extraterrestrial. His stableboy says if he was
human he would be most like Roger Federer.
4. Denman is a big horse, nicknamed The Tank.
He weighs 35kg more than Kauto. He's an Aries,
“assertive, brave, energetic, action-oriented”
and if he was human he would be like Mohammed Ali.
5. Bet each-way and you win money on the first
three horses, not just the winner. It's best to
choose a horse with long-odds for most money. Try:
* Afistfullofdollars - Ireland's sole runner.
* Neptune Collonges - from the same stable
as Kauto and Denman.
* Knowhere - people have been quietly bigging him up.

Feeling brave? Pick a horse to challenge Kauto Star and
Denman in Friday's Gold Cup. £25 free bet with Betfair:

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which WAG took her mobile phone to be repaired
and has since discovered that topless photos she
had on her phone are being hawked around
to the tabloids?

This Premiership star might start more
games if he stayed out of the clubs a
bit more. His inability to hold his drink
has got him into compromising situations,
including one after an away game which ended
in him playing away, and some heavy-handed
legal threats to stop the girl doing a
kiss and tell.

Wonder why The Klaxons looked so out of it trying
to mime alongside Rihanna at the Brits? They'd
dropped some acid before the show. Respect.

>> Telling porkies <<
What's going on at News International?

News of The World have had two big football
News of The World had a big interview with
crocked Arsenal star Eduardo, where they
detailed at length the visit to the hospital
of the guy who broke Eduardo's leg, Martin
Taylor. Except it was entirely made-up.
Eduardo gave his first real post-injury
interview to Croatian TV last week, and said
he had not given an interview to NOTW. The
Croatian journalist and L'Equipe both report
that the whole story about Taylor visiting
the hospital was false.

And now The Sun is getting in on the act. On his
blog Thom Yorke accuses The Sun of totally
misquoting him over Radiohead's decision not to
play Glastonbury. In an article about concertgoers'
carbon footprints, The Sun quoted Yorke as saying
Radiohead weren't playing Glastonbury because of
the lack of transport infrastructure. Yorke said
they headlined a couple of years back and just had
no plan to do it this year, “we felt as if we had
only just played there.”


Reasons to be cheerful no 243: Sara Cox has
named her son Isaac. Yep, Isaac Cox.

>> Cheltenham - no! <<
People who shouldn't go racing this week

1. Mark Woollen from Newcastle, who is only
six months out of a suspended jail term for
having sex with a female horse, Molly. The
horse's distraught owner said it was “like
having a member of the family raped”.

2. Gai Waterhouse, Australian trainer whose
horse, Love You Honey, tested positive for
cocaine after it came last in a race.

3. The Queensland lab technician who has stolen
parts of human brains to inject into racehorses
to make them run faster. Ew.

4. Kevin Long, from County Durham, who was
spotted fellating a horse. “I was just being
nice to it” was his defence. Along with the
claim he just “fell under the horse”.

5. Trudie Styler. Horses need their sheaths
cleaned by their owners to prevent the build-up
of smegma. Trudie does the Sting family horses
herself. Not a suitable activity at a racecourse,
though. (How to clean your horse's penis):

6. Patches the horse. Too lazy. Likes cars:

7. Three celebrities described to us as
being “hung like a horse” - Bruce Forsyth,
John Leslie, Richard Drummie of Go West.

More doctor euphemisms for odd or crazy patients.
IWB is one up from NFN. Intercourse with biscuits.
i.e. fucking crackers)

>> France, twelve points <<
Daft Punk is playing at my Eurovision

We're worried that the recent golden age
of Eurovision is coming to an end. Last year's
quality was down on the year before and
this year there are just so many joke entries
that just aren't funny (e.g. Spain, Bosnia).
But it's not all doom and gloom, check
out these beauties:

1. France, Sebastien Tellier:
Divine is produced by Guy-Manuel of Daft
Punk. Brilliant and bonkers. And
mainly sung in English:

2. Finland, Teräsbetoni
Not content with introducing us to Lordi
in 2006, now we get full-on proper rock:

3. Russia, Dima Bilan
Second placed behind Lordi, Dima's re-entry
is proof Russia are desperate to bring
Eurovision to Moscow. Big English language
ballad produced by Timbaland. Dima's
rich backer doesn't like it, he's started
calling Dima "the chief black man in Russia”.

Every thoroughbred race horse is descended from one
of three Arabian stallions that were brought to
England in 18th century - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabian
or Godolphin Barb.

>> Zedonk zurprise <<
Colchester zoo's star

Animal of the week - The Zedonk.
* He's half zebra, half donkey (geddit?)
* Shadow the Zedonk was born in Colchester
Zoo 30 years ago; one of the first born
in captivity. You do find many zedonks in
Africa where the live in the wild together.
* A zedonk was featured in Darwin's
Orign of the Species.
* There's another nice zedonk called
Alex. He lives in Barbados. He's one of
the only zedonks where the donkey not
the zebra was the dad.
* A zedonks can also be called a zonkey,
zebrass, zebronkey, zebadonk, zenkey,
zebrinny or deebra.

Shadow - he's nice:

Sign up with Betfair and use your £25 FREE bet on a
Kauto Star win. You'll make £55 if he does it.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Russian mobsters, sheep and goats

This year is the 25th anniversary of the greatest
Gold Cup yet - when trainer Michael Dickinson
trained the first five horses. Winner Bregawn
died at the end of last year, aged 34.

Russian mobster tombstones

Rap generator:

Last FM meets ukeleles:

Sheep and goats are the only animals with
square pupils:

Fergie from Black Eyed Peas used to voice
Sally in Peanuts. She does the voice:

30% off Men's and Women's Fashion. Discoo is
having a Spring Clean to make way for new
stock. Use code "springclean". Hurry -
ends Friday:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 16th March

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
LEONA LEWIS Better In Time
UTAH SAINTS Something Good 08

++ Top Twenty
PANIC AT THE DISCO Nine in the Afternoon
ELBOW Grounds for Divorce
FUTUREHEADS The Beginning If The Twist

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, dollymixture, LT, SW, WB, WB, CB, SM,
DW, DM, B, JO, LA, enzothebaker, ennuyee, AC, C,
deep_stoat, celtiagirl, MS, DK

Old Scottish Jokes Home 2:
Q: Why are married women heavier
than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what's in
the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Still Bored:
Nice zombie game.

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