Thursday, February 07, 2008


In America's Next Top Model next week Tyra Banks
makes the girls go rock climbing in high heels.
See what happens: Monday, 9pm LIVING

I'm going to sell them (my implants) for £1million,
and give 10 per cent to charity" - Jordan

“I want nipples like a teenager” - Jordan
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|_| |_| 07.02.08 ISSUE 384
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
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* Dramatic Lemur is the new Dramatic Chipmunk
* What MPs could learn from the media
* Charts: Basshunter is still number one

>> Back to bedlam <<
Laugh at the celebrity inmates

The Sun's Bizarre column had this breast-obsessed
take on Amy Winehouse's rehab issues:
“It's chest what we all wanted to see – Amy
looking almost back to her best. She took a
break from rehab... She returned there two-and-a-
half hours later, flanked by police. Maybe they
were investigating a robbery at a chicken
fillet factory.”

Heat's website uses that heart-breaking photo
of Britney crying in the street before being
carted off to the psych ward to illustrate
their “Britney News” section.

Kerry Katona, the wretched bipolar halfwit
manipulated across the media by the Dark
Lords of PR, is in a MTV reality show
amusingly titled Crazy In Love, with promo
adverts of her in a straitjacket.

Come on, surely there are enough sane self-
important celebrities left to harangue?

The lawyer appointed by a US Court as guardian of
Britney's money and estate is called Andrew Wallet.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which Brit-born US TV star once left his
UK TV handlers to pick up the bill from a
hotel room he'd vacated, leaving a urine-
soaked mattress, shit wiped on the walls,
and curtains ruined from the ties being
ripped off for use in an S&M game?

This tabloid bigwig celebrated the opening
of The Beatles hotel last weekend with a
big drinking session in the bar. And
when the spouse was packed off to bed
the love-rat was caught with another
hotel guest enjoying a sleazy snogging
marathon in the stairwell.

Anthony from Anthony and the Johnsons wears a wig.
Underneath it, he's a natural blond.

>> Lemurvallous <<
Dramatic animals: new art form

You've seen dramatic chipmunk. Now, here's...
Dramatic Lemur:

Dramatic Chipmunk isn't a chipmunk.
He's a prairie dog.

>> News in Briefs <<
MPs could learn from The Sun

The ‘news in briefs’ column on page 3 in the
Sun yesterday reported that Keeley, 21 from
Bromley, supports the crackdown on MPs
employing family members: “MPs should not
be able to employ whoever they like and pay
them as much as they want to. There has to be
some kind of controls put in place.”

As usual, Keeley was snapped by Alison Webster,
who takes all the photos for page 3. She is
married to the Sun’s executive picture editor
Geoff Webster, and they are the loving parents
of Charlotte, who goes by the name of Jak, 21,
from Tunbridge Wells, when she makes her
own appearances on page 3.

BBC are recording a “Happy Birthday Brucie” show to
mark Bruce Forsyth's 80th birthday on 22nd February.

>> Not gay Gruffudd <<
Say sorry to a celebrity

B2DI writes:
“I am a boy. I met Ioan Gruffudd at a party. I
fancied him. I was really drunk. I got a photo
taken with him and while we were posing, I
groped his bum. Afterwards I told people he
had groped my bum and that he was definitely
gay and this was the proof.

I made it up. I think I kind of believed it
myself for a bit. Sorry Ioan.”

Repent sinners! Say sorry.

There's a strong rumour that an Arrested Development
movie is about to be announced.

>> Camera obscura <<
The Winehouse effect hits Girls Aloud

Amy Winehouse was summoned for crisis talks
with Universal music supremo Lucian Grange
a couple of weeks ago. The press were tipped
off and she arrived to a throng of waiting
paparazzi circling the entrance to Universal.

A little later Girls Aloud also turned up
for a meeting. They pushed through the paps
and sweetly told staf inside they were shocked,
but a little pleased, that the paps were
there in such numbers to greet them.

(A couple of days later the Ashley Cole
shagging stories broke - careful what you
wish for, Cheryl!)

There is a bump in the mortality of males in their
late teens and early twenties which actuaries call
“the accident hump”.

>> Bez makes tea <<
It's great when you're straight, yeah

minky_chunky writes:
“I spotted Bez in Somerfields in Chorlton
yesterday. He was wearing hightop trainers,
blue leggings, cycling shorts over them and
then shorts shorts over that. He asked staff
if there was any more organic veg as he was
making a curry for his tea and preferred organic.

Miles Kingston was offered BBC's Around The World In
80 days before Michael Palin, but turned it
down because he'd just finished a travel piece
and “never wanted to see a bloody plane again”.

>> Seven and the ragged Puma <<
Erykah's comeback is sweet as honey

Erykah Badu's star burned brightly back in 1997
but after Baduism she probably became better
known for her hip-hop star loves (Andre 3000,
Common, The DOC) and the names of her
children (Seven, Puma). Thankfully, it's
all about the music again now. Her comeback
single, Honey, and video are fabulous.


One of the saddest details in the court papers
detailing Britney's hospitalisation: just before it
happened she “changed her three dogs’ clothes many
times in an agitated state”.

>> Lez not Led <<
The perils of being down with da kidz

Yesterday on The Telegraph website:

“Led Zeppelin to play Bonnaroo festival in US.
The newly reunited Led Zeppelin are to follow-
up their hugely successful comeback concert in
London with a performance at a festival in
the United States.”

“Lez, not Led, Zepellin to play Bonaroo in US.”

(Lez Zepellin are an all-female lesbian
tribute band)

Is this the best titled porn movie in the world?
“Cumfart Tsunami”. (A hit in the world of anal
felching, apparently.)

>> Cheeky boy <<
Lembit: role model for Sarkozy

"I haven't seen a single report in my whole
life which indicates that if a politician has
a famous and attractive girlfriend that
deteriorates from that politician's ability to do
their job. Maybe it actually makes them better
and more inspirational in terms of the
general public." - Lembit Opik

How to say Lembit Opik:

Does your mum or dad have a family business they want
you to take over, but you don't want to? Would you
like to take part in a new BBC TV show? If so,
call 020 7438 1835 or email

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Polar Bears, classic movies, gay records

Eat like Elvis:

Flocke is no Knut, but he's still cute:

We really liked MTV's Virgin Diaries.
There's a sequel on the way - trailer:

Michel Gondry has Jack Black and Mos Def
remaking classic movies in Be Kind Rewind.
Have a go at making your own film short and
win prizes:

Finally, man slippers that aren’t crap.
Homeys, two sugars please.....

The perfect Valentine's gift - send a teddy,
with card letting them know exactly what
they'll be up to later...

What's the world's gayest song?

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 10th Feb

++ Number One
BASSHUNTER Now You're Gone

++ Top Ten
WET WET WET Weightless

++ Top Twenty
MORRISSEY That's How People Grow Up
THE FEELING Thought It Was Over

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, party_b, LT, AM, SW, GA, DF
bobbifleckmann, whitemaninhammersmithpalais, IS, AC,

Old Jokes Home:
“Doctor doctor, I'm frightened of lapels."
Dr: "Ah, yes. You've got cholera.”

Still Bored:
3D tetris. Don't start if you think you
might not be able to stop...

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