Thursday, December 13, 2007


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"I have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This
should be interpreted as 'I am not dead'. I will,
of course be dead at some future point, as will
everybody else" - Terry Pratchett
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|_| |_| 13.12.07 ISSUE 379
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* Spice Girls special
* Tony Blair likes shopping
* Charts: Katie Melua is still number one

>> Back home <<
The Spice Girls party at the Novotel

This afternoon the Spice Girls host a special
welcome home party for their fans. It will
at a secret location but fans have been told
to meet at 14.30 at the Chablis suite of the
Novotel in Hammersmith. How glamorous.

Well, if The Spice Girls can milk their
reputation from a decade ago, so can we. There's
a mini Spice special below.

Yoko Ono's Christmas card has a picture of herself
as a child on the front with the words "I'm a witch,
I'm a bitch, I don't care what you say".

>> Tony shops til he drops <<
Middle East peace is in the bag

As seen in Tony Blair's luggage at the Jacir
Palace InterContinental, Bethlehem, this week:

- Large shopping bag with gold tissue paper
- Kurt Geiger shopping bag
- Card with "To Cherie" written in black letters.
- Half a dozen hard suitcases (non matching)
- Lots of blue shirts fresh from the dry cleaners.

One of the benefits of being the special envoy
to the Middle East is the tax-free shopping...

JMascis from Dinosaur Jnr always orders pudding
first as he loves his desserts and wants to make
sure he's not too full to have one.

>> Sweeney prod <<
Clinton admires Claire's accessories

Bill Clinton travels the world helping good
causes. On his tours he was a guest at
philanthropist Richard Caring's St Petersburg
charity ball. As was Claire Sweeney, formerly
of Brookside and Celebrity Big Brother. Another
rather bemused guest tells us that the former
leader of the free world was completely taken
by Ms Sweeney's charms.

Did lucky Clare get the presidential kneepads,
we wonder...

Married? Bored? Want more?
Come and meet 140,000 others in the UK like you:

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

The arty ex of which pop star has a collection
of photos from their time together which show
the star tied up naked in a doorway being
pleasured with a range of fruit and vegetables?

Which music legend was overheard reminiscing
about a chatshow host who was famous for
having the "best cocaine in London"?

During his time in Arab Strap, Malcolm Middleton
also made a nice living as a driving instructor.

>> Paedo pop <<
Moldova's Gary Glitter

A late contender for song of the year.
Alexandru Bobnibov is trying to be
Moldova's Eurovision entry. He has a
song called "I Love The Girls". The chorus is:

"I love the girls of 13 years old
13 years old... And nothing else"

And once in your brain, you can't stop
singing along.

Listen (track 2):

Popbitch's favourite Associated Press writer -
Mr Dikky Sinn.

********* Start of Spice Girls Special *********

>> 1. The early days <<

The advert they responded to in The Stage said
"R U 18-23 with the ability to sing/dance? R U
streetwise, ambitious, outgoing and determined?"

Emma claimed her karate teacher mother predicted
her fame. "My mother saw my aura. I was about 17.
She told me it was gold, and that meant money."

The Spice Girls route to fame was Wannabe, a
tune written during their first ever session
with songwriter Matt Rowe. He was playing
around on a grand piano and got inspired by
them singing songs from Grease. Listen to the
bass line and hear the Summer Nights inspiration.

Spike Stent, the mix master behind the Spice
Girls records, went on to mix Radiohead's album.

>> 2. The heydey <<

The Appletons of All Saints used to bitch
about The Spice Girls. Word got back to Mel
B and at the Brits one year she confronted
the sisters in the ladies toilets, grabbing
Nicole by the throat and holding her up against
the wall. Later that evening, Shaznay came over
to Mel B's table, took her hand, kissed it
and told Mel that she'd made her night.

Victoria was always laughed at for only
drinking Lambrusco. A couple of years ago
in Sketch Mrs Beckham was seen drinking
Bucks Fizz, made with 1975 Krug.

Geri once visited the dentist. When it came to
settling the bill, she wrote a cheque out to
"the dentist". Bless.

>> 3. Things go wrong <<

There was a dog in an Irish dog home called
Geri Halliwell. The dog home called her that
because when they rescued her, she was very
badly injured having been attacked by four
bitches. (Does anyone know what happened
to Geri the Dog? email

The boardroom at the Spice Girls' offices
contained framed portraits of all five members.
When Geri quit, they kept her photo up, but
turned it upside down.

Win an iPod touch with Discovery Channel. Watch a clip
and answer a simple question for your chance to win.

>> 4. It could have been worse <<

Geri Halliwell's niece, Mandy, tried to start
a pop career. She sent round a demo, with no
biography or cover letter, just some press
reports that she'd had Gareth Gates a
couple of times.

Mel C's mum, aka Joan O'Neill who fronted
River Deep, a Liverpool-based Tina Turner
tribute band, wanted to duet with her daughter,

Geri moved to LA to launch a Hollywood career,
as a Bond-style secret agent in a spy film called
Semper Occultus.

********* End of Spice Girls special ************

Lily Allen was in the Notting Hill American Apparel
this week. The shop assistants gossiped loudly that
she was not as thin as the media was pretending. Nice

>> Banking on Banksy <<
Nice work of you can get it

A retired Squaddie has made a career out of
following Banksy around and buying the doors
and walls that he paints. The Squaddie recently
sold three pieces and used the proceeds to
buy a house in Australia. He has loads more
works and will now never have to work again.

Stuart Pearce spotted on the Central Line. Apparently
"his brother lives in Hangar Lane and it's quicker
than taking the car".

>> Everybody's stalking <<
Mad fan on myspace shocker

Everyone who's anyone has a stalker. But
Colin Farrell may currently have the world's
maddest. Desserae Bradford has just been
arrested for prostitution, rants about it
on myspace and has a new song, Colin
Farrell is my bitch:

More good stalkers from the past:

* Nick Rhodes' female stalker was jailed after
making a replica Nick out of pizza.

* After being dumped by her heart surgeon lover,
Princess Di left him stalker messages in a fake
American accent, claiming to be "Mrs Armani".

* Kevin Spacey's was obsessed with his hands.
She always carried paper and marker pens
so she could trace them.

* Britney's stalker Masahiko Shizawa used
to claim she signalled her feelings to him
through her changing hairstyles. (Wonder what
the bald look meant?)

* Juliette Peters, Billie Piper's stalker said
"She needs cutting up into little pieces with
her head in the north of England and her body in
the south of England in a forest somewhere"

* Hannah S Club's was short, Danish and ex-
military. Tina's stalker Steven Hindley was
convicted of possessing indecent photographs
of children age 11-14.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both
parties are registered blood donors.

>> "May I check your funbags?" <<
Security keeps abreast of new rules

BBC bosses (well, employee relations and
occupational risk management departments to be
exact) have gone nuts about staff not wearing
identification around their necks at all times,
to the extent that failure to comply will now
become a disciplinary issue. This has not been
well received at Women's Hour. They say that
security staff are now spending much longer
looking at their breasts, where the cards are
located, and so will refuse.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Xmas Goodies, cats, Little Legends

That new Hot Chip track we recommended has
a great video:

This should have been Xmas number one:

These chaps are rather nice. And the singer's
brother is Jerome from Robson and Jerome.

The Police have been playing in Rio. Each band
member has a specially designed dressing room.
The designer said Andy Summer's room reflected
opulence, Stewart Copeland had a fun room,
all in dark red. Sting's was 'spiritual', with
a large buddha figure.

Have a Big Welsh Bet: Get on a Rhydian and
Gethin double while there's still time:

** Xmas goodies special **

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What to get your cat for Xmas:

The perfect Xmas trip - Las Vegas for a
dwarf pop revue. Midget Milli Vanilli anyone?

There's no place like Discoo... From Wizard of
Oz to Little Miss Tees, we've got something a
bit different...just for you.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 16th Dec

++ Number One
EVA CASSIDY & KATIE MELUA What A Wonderful World

++ Top Ten
SOULJA BOY Crank That (Soulja Boy)
MARIAH CAREY All I Want For Christmas Is You

++ Top Twenty
WHAM! Last Christmas

++ Top Forty
SLADE Merry Christmas Everybody
WIZZARD I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday
FOALS Balloons

>> End Bit <<
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And thanks:
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Woodford Reserve Bourbon
Snow Leopard Vodka
Brown Bros Tarrango
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4711 Perfumes
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English classics gift set
Pink wine
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Old Jokes Home:
Q: What’s orange and fizzy and comes down
the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Fanta Claus.

Still Bored:
Is it Friday?

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