Saturday, October 20, 2007


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"I'm straight and I'm very sports-oriented"
- Brendan Cole.
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|_| |_| 19.10.07 ISSUE 371
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* The Moore the merrier
* BBC canapé wars v ITV fixing
* Charts: Sugababes are still number one

>> Lucky Lawrence <<
Thumbs up for England

A past conquest of England rugby star
Lawrence Dallaglio says that he had
a favourite sexual party trick. He could
withdraw at the point of climax and then
ejaculate only after shoving his finger up
his own arse. Such ingenuity demands our
support on Saturday night. It's just a shame
that England footballers won't pull their
fingers out and try and emulate the success
and team spirit of their compatriots with
the odd shaped balls.

FYI: Which member of the squad does a male nurse
from Moorfields hospital claim to have met in WKD
bar, before retiring to the Charing Cross Hotel
for a bit of nude scrum practice?

Popbitch's favourite mayor: Frank Botter, of
Heligoland, a German island in the North Sea.

>> Shhh! <<
Posh's bodyguard might hear you

Victoria Beckham is the centre of media
concern that she looks exhausted. She's been
flying around the world doing important things,
like being photographed in different places. On a
recent flight she sat in business class, while
her bodyguard accompanied her a few rows back
in economy. One of the trolley dollies stopped
to chat to her. She happily listened to him
for a while, but when it got too much for her
Victoria, without another word, just raised up
one hand. The bodyguard came walking down the
aisle and quietly told the flight attendant,
"Victoria doesn't want to talk any more."
Poor thing.

Foxy Brown's lawyer, currently defending her from
assault charges, is called Alan Stuntman.

>> Thriller from Manila <<
What definitely didn't happen to Maddie

One of the least likely explanations for the
disappearance of Madeline McCann was that she
had been kidnapped by the People's Liberation
Army of Manila. Yet that is what the group
claimed to Portuguese police, for the publicity.

It didn't quite have the effect they were
expecting. Just a visit from local police
and arrests for making false claims. Expect to
see them wearing orange jumpsuits and dancing
to Thriller sometime soon.

FYI: We're told the next Filipino inmates dance
video will be released on Youtube around 25th October.

Gruesome twosome: Rula Lenska and
Prince Michael of Kent.

>> Big Questions <<
What major labels are asking this week

Which London music executive has departed
on a hasty holiday to Thailand, after
his bosses discovered what he'd been doing
on the internet during his work hours?
The label lothario had been placing adverts
on raunchy singles sites but was caught
when one of his senior colleagues saw the ad
and blew his top at HR at the salary the guy
was earning. After HR confirmed that the
Everton fan had been lying about his net worth
he even lost his online dates, who were only
interested in shagging high-earners.

Watch Brass Eye, Black Books, Shameless and loads of
classic Channel 4 shows for free on 4oD until Nov 18.

>> Oh Triangle! <<
James Blunt revisited

It turns out that James Blunt may be the
best thing ever. He appeared on Sesame
Street, and sang a version of You're
Beautiful, about a cute, furry triangle.
It's impossible to watch without feeling all
warm inside.

"This shape was brilliant
This shape was pure
I saw three angles, of that I am sure..."


Adam and Eve will be nude in a production of The
Nativity, at St Paul's. The church rector, said
complainants would be "directly referred to the Bible".

>> Canapé wars <<
BBC hits stars where it hurts

BBC Budget cuts were in full effect this week
at the launch party for Stephen Poliakoff's
new drama, Capturing Mary. The only drinks
on offer were red and white wine, described
as "tasting cheap" by a party-goer, while
instead of the usual canapés there were
platters from M&S. For stars of TV's golden
era it was too much. Michael Aspel was seen
taking one look at the limp ham rolls before
walking out the door.

FYI: Minutes into Mark Thompson's speech before
he made any mention of job cuts? 23.

rick_gassko writes: "Saw Jeff Brazier with his and
Jade Goody's son at the BBC yesterday. My God, the kid
is absolutely stunning. It's a funny old world."

>> A golden era of fixing <<
ITV still the best at some things

scooper writes
"The early series of Ant & Dec's Saturday
Night Takeaway featured a strand called
Jim Didn't Fix It For Me. People who had
written unsuccessfully to Jimmy Saville
in their youth could finally have see
their dreams come true. During one episode
Ant & Dec 'surprised' a member of the
audience who'd apparently written to Jim
asking to meet the Wurzels. The band came
on, and the audience member was filmed
capering around on stage with the West
Country rockers, ecstatic at finally
meeting his childhood heroes!

"But what viewers didn't know is that the
audience member was already pals with the
Wurzels. In fact, he'd just written and
produced their Christmas single."

Lily Allen's car was spotted in a pay and display
bay with three parking tickets.

>> Moore the merrier <<
007 shocks the provinces

Roger Moore has just turned 80. Our favourite
ever story about him came from a handyman in
Deal, Kent. One day, many years ago, the
handyman was booked to do a DIY job at a
beautiful house in the conservation area of
the town. While doing some work on the ground
floor, he heard some noises coming from
upstairs. He'd been expecting the house to be
empty so decided to investigate. He climbed the
stairs, walked to the bedroom and pushed
open the door.

Three naked bodies were entwined on the bed.
Staring open-mouthed at the fruity ménage-
a-trois in front of him, the handyman got
a further shock when 007 popped his head
up from the bed, and announced cheerfully
in that inimitable drawl, "Don't worry
old chap. Just experimenting!"

The appalled handyman walked out of the
bedroom, down the stairs and straight out
the front door.

Colleen McLoughlin was at The Troubadours showcase
at Shoreditch House, supporting her cousin who is
in the band. She was "very friendly to all".

>> RIP: Tose Proeski <<
The Balkans has a Diana moment

We were very sad to read this week of the
death of Tose Proeski, Macedonia's biggest
pop star, who we were lucky enough to hang out
with at Eurovision 2004, in Athens. The Balkans'
seem to be having a Princess Diana moment:
the whole area stopped dead at news of the
26 year-old star's car crash. Two days of
national mourning, parliament in Skopje
cancelled, TV and radio playing Proeski's
songs back-to-back and tens of thousands of
people placing flowers at a makeshift shrine in
the capital. Proeski was given a full state
funeral complete with gun salute, headed by
prime minister Nikola Gruevski, "he left too
young, as a legend", and the head of
Macedonia' Orthodox church, Archbishop
Stefan, "Macedonia and the Balkans lost an
angel". It's hard to imagine it would be the
same here if it was Shayne Ward.

More: Tose at Eurovision, in happier times:

James Nesbitt at the NZ v France match, aisle 431,
row M, seat 11, wearing a pale blue beret, supporting
France, telling the women around him he was an actor.

>> Lovely Lene Lovich <<
The 80s spirit returns to Islington

Overyourhead writes:
"I was at Thomas Dolby's gig this week at
Islington Academy. Lene 'Lucky Number' Lovich
came on stage at the end to do a duet. After
the initial applause had died away my mate Ben
shouted out from the gallery, "Are you still
mad?" The place fell about, as did she.
Eventually Lene replied, 'Yes. I am'."

Have they taken things too far this time?

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Huge cat, Oompah Bon Jovi, Ann Coulter

Best named restaurant chain in San Francisco?

Justin from The Darkness has some new music:

Check out the size of this cat:

Man sets his camera timer to two seconds, and runs:

Celebrate the Munich Oktoberfest with the
rather wonderful Trom-bone Jovi:

Ann Coulter's website was hacked, and her home
page replaced by an open letter explaining her
whole career had been a practical joke:

Extended Sale and Aussie Sledging Tees:

* We have learned that contrary to our past hints
that Jeremy Kyle has been behaving a bit more like
a guest on his own show than a married, upstanding
pillar of the community, now that the papers have
done their sniffing around, it turns out there is
no truth in the rumour. Sorry Jeremy we got
that one wrong.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 21st Oct

The England rugby World Cup squad love Kenny
Rogers and so do we. He has a restaurant chain
called Kenny Rogers Roasters, set up the Kenny
Rogers Cerebral Palsy Centre and has written
two childrens' books.

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
ELVIS PRESLEY Wear My Ring Around Your Neck
THE KILLERS Tranquilize

++ Top Twenty
WOMBATS Let's Dance To Joy Division

++ Top Forty
ORSON Ain't No Party
RIHANNA Hate That I Love You

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, LA, WB, LT, LB, HL
onthehushhush, HP, badhorsey, jacques_as_in_hattie,
deep_stoat, JR, SL, K, NS,

Thanks: to everyone who told us that Roger Moore is
no longer the voice of the Forbidden City audio guide

Thanks to: everyone who emailed to suggest we hadn't
meant to write a story about Fernando Massa. You
were right. We're a bit over-excited about the end
of the F1 season. It should of course have read
Felipe Alonso. (Only kidding...)


Old Jokes Home:
Just been to my first Islamist birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but boy,
pass the parcel was quick.

Still Bored?
Snowball the cockatoo loves Backstreet Boys.
And loves to dance:

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