Friday, October 05, 2007

Popbitch - The goose drank wine

You must buy your Banksy and Anthony Micallef
prints from here. Why? Because they are cheaper.
And because we are very nice people to deal with:

"I theme-dress depending on where I'm going... if I
was going to dinner at a Chinese restaurant, I would
wear a kimono - it makes it more fun." Kelly Osbourne.
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|_| |_| 04.10.07 ISSUE 369
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* The Goose drank wine
* The stud farms of Devon
* Charts: Sugababes are number one

>> McCann you believe it <<
Swingers Mafia - the new Goldie is My Dad

The McCanns have been the subject of more
news stories, speculation and wild theorising
than even Diana. The most far-fetched, which
we get told almost daily now, is that
Kate and Gerry and the friends with whom
they holidayed in Portugal, are all swingers.
They owed money, allegedly, to a shadowy
"swingers mafia", who kidnapped Maddie
as punishment, prompting Kate's much quoted
cry at the time "they've taken her". All
the newspapers, apparently, know this but
are keeping the facts secret. It's obviously
ludicrous. You don't get swingers as
attractive as Kate McCann.

(FYI: Pampas grass is over, the new sign of being part
of "the lifestyle" is owning a hot-tub.)

Gruesome twosome: Kelly Hoppen and Nicky Clarke,
shopping at 202 last weekend, "He had his hand on the
small of her back climbing the stairs from menswear".

>> Quiz night <<
Publican goes to LA

Lock Stock actor Jason Flemyng is part-owner of
The Duchess Pub, on Battersea Bridge Road, near
to where he grew up. Flemyng has got to know
a lot of the regulars from the nearby council
estate, from doing the weekly pub quiz, and
just introduces himself as Jason, without
letting on about his day-job. A couple of weeks
ago he had to go to Hollywood to work. One of the
regulars asked the barman why Jason wasn’t the
quizmaster that week. The Barman told him that
the boss was in LA. The regular, replied
"Fack me, does he do a pub quiz there too?"

Unusual places to hear celebrity voices no 1:
The audio-visual guide to the Hastings Shipwreck
Heritage Centre is narrated by Christopher Lee.

>> Browned off <<
Blair prepares for TV

While Tony Blair was being air-brushed from
history at the Labour Party Conference, he
was under-going an interview for a TV
documentary about his time in office.

And the posh London hotel chosen for the
interview? Browns.

(FYI: Last week the Blairs attended a conference at
Blenheim Palace. He joked that he'd had to borrow
his son's dinner jacket. Cherie complained she
wouldn't have any fun.)

Following on from last week's claim by one of our
readers that a man's lower hanging testicle corresponds
to his dominant side. Hundreds of people emailed to
say they'd checked. And that it was, sadly, bollocks.

>> Hard Rock Hallelujah <<
Car trouble for Iranian metallers

It's not a good time to be a heavy metal fan
in Iran. Last week Iran's Minister of Culture,
Mohamed Hosein Sarrar-Harandi, gave an interview
to Spanish newspaper El Pais where he talked
about his taste in pop music. Mr Sarrar-Harandi
said "I know there are music genres, mostly
heavy metal, that can provoke - combined
with some hallucinogens - young people to jump
out of the windows of cars while driving at
high speed. I'm opposed to that kind of music."

Things we learned this week: a-Ha's Analogue has
the same guitar intro as Kelly Clarkson's
Since U Been Gone.

>> Neigh, neigh and thrice neigh! <<
What goes on in the stud farms of Devon

Horse breeding is a highly researched, multi-
million pound business. But down in Devon, some
older practices remain. Horse breeders like to
rub their mares' ladyparts with stinging nettles,
as soon as they've been "covered" by a stallion.
The resulting swelling helps to keep in the
semen so there's a better chance of pregnancy.

The rumour that Max Clifford does this to
Kerry Katona is not yet confirmed.

Siblings with one shared parent can marry in Sweden.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

A recent London fashion party saw which
model and which rock star's son emerge from
a toilet cubicle together looking dishevelled
and not quite properly dressed?

Powermaster writes: "Chris Grayling was one of my
best friends at the Royal Grammar. He stole some of
my light fittings on my model railway set. Funny
that he became shadow transport minister."

>> Alex is famous <<
Sound technician put in place

Alex James was the rather surprise choice to
talk about climate change at a Labour party
conference event. When the sound technician
finished arranging his lapel microphone, she
asked if he was OK with it, and if knew how to
use it. James replied, "It's ok - I am
famous, you know."

The Flowered Up comeback gig at the Islington Academy
is cancelled. Fewer than 100 tickets were sold.

>> That was the Ned that was <<
BBC love comes a little late for Sherrin

Like John Peel before him, Ned Sherrin seemed
to be more appreciated by the BBC in death than
in life. Last year, Sherrin was approached by a
TV production company who wanted to make a
documentary on him for the BBC. Sherrin's
reaction was, "Of course!" But then told them
more sadly, "I doubt anybody at the BBC would
buy it. I'm not TV kosher these days."
And he was right.

Blondie's ex-bassist Gary Lachman is doing a talk
at Treadwells Bookshop this month, Politics and the
Occult: The Left, The Right and The Unseen. Sounds
like an introduction to our political parties.

>> He sacked me... <<
And it felt like a kiss

So Phil Spector lives to fight another day.
Two jurors didn't feel they had enough
evidence to convict him of killing Lana
Clarkson despite the testimony of five women
that Spector had threatened them with guns
which matched the circumstances of the Clarkson

The last band Spector worked with was Starsailor
(And therefore missed a chance to use his gun
fixation for good). After a successful single
collaboration the band asked Spector to produce
their album. This didn't go so well and after
a few unproductive months they asked their label
to let the maestro producer go.

Their representative approached Phil with
trepidation, and informed him he was sacked.
Spector stared at him for a moment and then
started spinning round in circles, letting out
a small noise, for quite a few minutes. Then
stopped and starred at the label guy and said,

"Son... you've got balls!"

The Pope's authorised biography is narrated by his
favourite cat, Chico, a ginger Siamese.

>> BBC body count <<
Survival of the fittest in radio

Faith in the BBC has dipped so low that we don't
know whether or not to even believe their
apologies. One rumour is that Alan Yentob's fake
noddies were actually not faked at all. And the
talk in the company concerning Ric Blaxill,
who resigned as head of programmes at 6Music,
after a live show was pre-recorded, is that
Blaxill didn't agree with pre-recording the
live shows but was over-ruled from above. When
the story broke, the station controller is said
to have made it known that people could expect
an announcement, "involving Ric Blaxill" a
couple of days later, which precipitated his
resignation but stopped any further upheavals
at the station.

FYI: One of the BBC producers sacked for phone-in
fakery claims he panicked and made-up a name
when the phone system crashed, and he was afraid to
admit their switchboard didn't work. The executive
who bought the expensive but rubbish telecom
system, on the other hand, kept his job.

Princess Tiaamii? Cruz? Apple? What chance do these
children have with those names?

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Swinging dog, Dragonette, Winehouse

Anna Nicole Smith loses even more dignity in
death. If you ever wanted to see vomiting
after an overdose, now's your chance:

Urban Screens Manchester, October 11-14 - an
international conference for artists, architects,
filmmakers, games designers and anyone interested
in outdoor digital media. Plus the UK premiere of
new Light Surgeons' show: For info:

Eurovision is changing - next year sees two
semi-finals. Will Western European
entries have a chance in Belgrade?

Having a hard day? Watching the soothing
swinging doggie:

Amy Winehouse on The Fast Show, aged 14:

Bought the Radiohead album? How much did
you pay?

Loving the new Dragonette album:

A new energy drink in Germany:

Go eyeball-to-eyeball with England's World Cup Stars.
You blink, you lose:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 7th Oct

++ Number One
SUGABABES About You Know

++ Top Ten
FEIST 1 2 3 4

++ Top Twenty

++ Top Forty
KATE NASH Mouthwash

>> End Bit <<
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Old Jokes Home:
Q: What has anal sex got in common with spinach?
A: If you were forced to have it as a child,
chances are you won't like it as an adult.

Still Bored?
RIP Ronnie Hazlehurst. He co-wrote the fabulous
Reach for S Club 7:

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