Saturday, September 22, 2007

Still Bored ?

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I blame Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. We should
lock up more people. I know prisons are full,
just build more!" - Nicola, Girls Aloud
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|_| |_| 20.09.07 ISSUE 367
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* Britney blamed for 9/11, almost
* The lives of Blue Peter tortoises
* Charts: Sean Kingston is still number one

>> Let's go crazy <<
Prince livens up London

We love Prince. He's been awesome in concert
this summer. When he went to film his new music
video, Prince walked up to the director and every
member of the crew and asked them "Do you have
Jehovah in your heart?" Only a positive answer
kept them on set. And while making the video,
His Purple Lordship was accompanied by a hooker,
to whom he would only converse through a
third-party. (For example, Prince, "Please would
somebody ask the lady if she would like to come
to my dressing room?")

A reader who was at prep school with James Blunt
says Blunt had "crap hand writing", and once found
a vibrator in his parents' bedroom.

>> It's a London thing <<
Howard gets the party started

Bungalow 8 has a reputation for being the
most exclusive, celebrity-friendly club in
New York. It's about to open in London. The club
held a launch party last Saturday. And the starry
cast of A-listers in attendance? For most of
the night it was Caprice... and Howard, from the
Halifax adverts.

At the Emmys, the only two celebrities to move out of
the roped-off red carpet to chat to fans were
Billy Baldwin and Sylar from Heroes.

>> Animal magic <<
Questions for the Blue Peter pets

Who names the Blue Peter animals? It turns
out that this is one of the burning questions
of our time. Amid the recriminations and
inquests at the BBC about Socks, we hear
we should be asking about the other animals.
There are particular question marks over the
tortoise they call "Shelley", allegedly.

FYI: The average age of a tortoise is 80, and the
oldest ever recorded, Tui Malila, lived to be
188. Three of Blue Peter's five tortoises have
died before their 17th birthday. What is going
on? We think we should be told.

85% of UK's marijuana industry is now controlled
from Vietnam.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which newspaper shouted at one of his
staff-members "You're a fucking naughty
girl, I'm going to take your fucking knickers
down and fuck you across your fucking desk."
The reason? He didn't care for her response
when he asked her if she liked the new
office redecoration colour scheme.

Most newsrooms have loud beeps or buzzers on
their breaking news wires, does Al Jazeera
really have a quacking duck sound?

Woo! Gary Davies - spotted having dinner at Ibiza's
trendy Bambuddah Grove.

>> Coke on the water <<
London lines up its

The Drug Squad told us that they've tested
London's water supply to see how much cocaine is
consumed on a daily basis. Their estimate?
150,000 lines of the equivalent of pure
cocaine every single day.

Popbitch's favourite communications officer,
Swarovski's Beany Gay.

>> Oh Lord! <<
The warts and all tale of Bethall

Conservative Lord and MEP Lord Bethell, who died
last week, was probably best known for his
anti-communist activities and writings, and for
a libel case he won in the 70s against Private
Eye about facilitating Solzhenitsyn's arrest

However, his friends knew him as the chap with a
ping-pong ball sized wart which dangled on a
thread on his arse. One of his lady-friends
told us that, at certain times, it was
"rather distracting".

Testicles never lie at the same level. The
ball-sack is always lopsided.

>> Game, set and match <<
Beckham's career goes down under

If there was any doubt over David Beckham's
new role, this seems to confirm him as the
MLS circus' resident freak show or prize exhibit.
New Zealand's Wellington Phoenix Football Club
have made a deal with LA Galaxy for the US team
to come over for a 2nd December game, with Beckham
contracted to appear for at least 55 minutes,
or the match will be rescheduled.

National Anthem fact of the week: Ethiopia's anthem
is based on Jean Sibelius' Finlandia.

>> Stand by your pram <<
Britney could be the new Tammy

Poor Britney. Enough is enough. Taking pot-
shots at this troubled ex-Mousketeer has gone
too far. This week she was attacked in the
US media for not being able to close her
pram properly. And now she's almost being
blamed for 9/11. Leader of the Palestinian
Popular Resistance, Muhammad Abdel-Al said,
"If I meet these whores I will have the honour
to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna
and Britney Spears if they will keep spreading
their Satanic culture against Islam."

Britney, if you're reading, there's only one
thing for it. Quit LA and the music scene.
The Paris Hiltons and K-Feds of the world
can teach you nothing. Move back South,
go hang out with Dolly Parton, and come
back with big hair and a country albums.
You've got the voice for it and, quite
frankly, the sad life, to be the new
Tammy Wynette.

FYI: The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine,
the Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine
and the Popular Revolutionary Front for the Liberation
of Palestine have so far declined to give their
views on Britney. But we will ask them and hope to
bring you their comments next week.

PC Dave Quinnan from the Bill now works in
Islington's Business Design Centre, in a sports
media communications company.

>> David and Goliath <<
The world of celebrity football

On Wednesday nights, near the Westway,
celebrities gather to play football together.
Ant 'n Dec, Robbie Williams, Ralph Little etc
all pit their skills on the pitch against
friends. Only one celebrity player insists
on bringing his body guard with him. And
that's Craig David. The big bouncer walks Craig
to the pitch, and then sits in the stand
during the game, the lone spectator. When
the match finishes, the bodyguard walks him out.

FYI: You can insert own joke here about Craig playing
for the other team or being a left footer. But in
fact he plays on the right wing. So there.

FYI 2: We always thought Craig spent Wednesdays
making love, not playing football.

This guy takes looking after number one to a
new level. Candid camera from Goodfella's Solos:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Ted Rogers, footballers, sea of mice

Lauren Harries has made a sex video. You
don't have to look:

If Lauren's sex pics were not enough to
turn your stomach, try these mice:

Three-two-one! Ryerson University, Toronto, has
a Ted Rogers School of Management:

Those years collecting Panini stickers finally
come in handy, though we were hopeless at
everything except the "when we were young"
round, sadly:

Nocturnal animal of the week: the sugar glider:

Stephen Fry has written 6,000 words on phones:

Don't be like Pamela Anderson, Naomi Judd
and Steven Tyler - watch this cute video:

Nokia N-81 - the best phone for music lovers on the
market. Inspiring even the worst boy bands... sadly:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 23rd Sept

The winter chart freeze has begun. Very little
change on the singles front this week, on account
that that labels are limbering up for pre-Xmas
album release warfare. You have been warned:

++ Number One
SEAN KINGSTON Beautiful Girls

++ Top Ten
FOO FIGHTERS The Pretender

++ Top Twenty
PHIL COLLINS In The Air Tonight
THE ENEMY You're Not Alone

++ Top Forty
GALLOWS In The Belly Of A Shark

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, JO, LH, CG, A
SCrusader, HD, danceswithmustelids, SS, Ben, enuyee

Old Jokes Home:
Two prostitutes were standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked
up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've
been swung around by the tits!"

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