Thursday, September 06, 2007

PopBitch - Cash For Killing

"I'm like a bingo caller, they nail me to the cross
every night." - Marco Pierre White

"I do tears. I've got God's shoulder to
cry on." - George W Bush
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|_| |_| 06.09.07 ISSUE 365
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* RIP Pavarotti: a popbitch tribute
* Steve Coogan: 24 Hour Party Pooper
* Charts: Sean Kingston is number one

>> The secret of his success <<
Dax shows his shepherd's flock

Owen Wilson may have another reason to
slit his wrists. Owen's ex, Kate Hudson,
is currently snuggling up to second-rate
comic Dax Shepard, who made his name doing
Punk'd with Ashton Kutcher. So what's the
attraction? Well, Dax is known for being
"hung like a grandfather clock". Whenever
Dax and Ashton used to go out drinking together
Kutcher would make Dax pull his dick
out and wave it around because he was
so amused at seeing a wang "as thick
as a coke can".

Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum: the new Krankies.
(Just check out the GQ Awards photos).

>> 24 Hour Party Pooper <<
Steve Coogan turns back on Tony Wilson

Steve Coogan played Tony Wilson in the film
24 Hour Party People. Not unsurprisingly, he
turned up in the papers after Wilson's death
saying how much it had affected him. Shame
Wilson's life hadn't affected him as much.

Earlier in the summer a group of Wilson's
friends started a fund to raise money to buy the
experimental cancer drug which was his
last hope. Many of the bands he'd worked
with, like Happy Mondays, happily contributed.
They asked Steve Coogan to donate. He refused.
(Which is surprising as people say he didn't seem
to mind buying drugs for Owen Wilson...)

GQ awards: Kanye West "has very dry hands", Steven
Merchant "punching way above his weight with really
hot girlfriend", Simon Pegg "not very approachable".

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

Which award-winning US TV actor did a
fashion shoot in an LA hotel and, when greeted
and thanked by the famous designer, took one
look around the suite and sneered "my
cock's larger than this hotel room"? So not
much different to his on-screen image, then.

Which imaginative 80s pop star found his niche
making porn movies and has a book out called
Confessions of an Accidental Porn Director?

Spot Lucy Pinder in the hot new music video for Rush:

>> Larger than life <<
Remembering a legend in happier times

RIP Pavarotti. We recall a story we wrote about
him in 2003. While rehearsing for his farewell
performance at Covent Garden, Pavarotti sloped
off to his dressing room with two female dancers.
And was discovered a little later, by the
runner sent to retrieve him, enjoying
oral sex from one, while the other held his
stomach out of the way.

Spotted at the Sonic Youth gig - Clement Freud.

>> Pet Idol <<
Newsworthy animals of the week

1. Cocaine cat
A cat in Sydney had trouble walking, paced
incessantly and had dilated pupils. When the
vet saw the cat was "too anxious to have a
thermometer inserted into his rectum" he
suspected cocaine abuse. The cat had snarfed
his owner's stash.

2. Horny camel
A 60 year-old animal lover in Queensland was
given a pet camel as a birthday present by friends.
Sadly, a few months later, the big and
boisterous camel killed his owner trying
to shag her.

3. Bees
US scientists are training bees to sniff out
explosives. They are, apparently, to be carried in
shoe-box size hand-held detectors around airports.

4. Goats
In Nepal airline staff sacrificed two goats in front
of a Boeing 757, which has had technical problems,
in case a Hindu God had accidentally been angered.

5. Weasel
President Putin. Last week Russian investigators
announced they were arresting some regime opponents
for the murder of Anna Politovskaya. The case
collapsed when two of the men were released through
lack of evidence and a third had a good alibi -
he was in prison at the time.

The curse of Paris Hilton strikes again... Steve
Fossett has disappeared in a plane belonging
to the Hilton family.

>> Adelicious <<
Lily and Amy, move over

Popbitch (hearts) pop music. It can make
your whole world turn on its head in just three
minutes. This happened this morning when we
put on the forthcoming single by Adele.

Adele Adkins is a 19 year-old Londoner who,
is thankfully closer in sound to Amy Winehouse
than Kate Nash. Hometown Glory is a
beautiful self-penned ballad. Her voice
breaks your heart but makes you feel
all warm inside.

Listen to a live version of Hometown Glory:

Popbitch's favourite hotel receptionist: Bastardo
Edgar, Hotel Punta Palma, Venezuela.

>> Double trouble <<
Samanda head for obscurity

The Big Brother twins have signed up with
Charlotte Church's former manager, Jonathan
Shalit. They might regret after the press
release his company put out to announce it,
which we've copied word for word below.
If only they could read.

------ Forwarded Message
From: Jonathan
Conversation: Samantha and Amanda fror Big
Brother aka 'The Twins'
Subject: Samantha and Amanda fror Big Brother
aka 'The Twins'

Their sweet
........Their Lovely
................Their Adorable
...Their joined at the hip

And speak in stereo...Welcome to SAMANDA
World....and We represent them...

Andrew Castle...Charley...Dane Bowers...Ian 'H'
Watkins...Jamelia...Javine...Jonathan Ansell...
Konnie Huq...Myleene Klass...Nina Myskow.

Gruesome Twosome: how much does PJ Harvey's new
track, The Devil, sound like Amy Winehouse's
Back to Black?

>> Gak attack! <<
Lisa feels it in all the right places

We haven't heard much from Lisa Stansfield
for a while. She was in Soho's Colony Rooms
recently. On returning from a visit to the
bathroom she announced to the people at the
bar, "That coke is making my fanny itch".

Bestiality is legal in Belgium, Cambodia, Denmark,
Finland, Germany, Mexico, The Netherlands, Norway,
Sweden and several US states.

> So Kwari, so goodie <<
Cash for killing goes legit

Online skills-based gambling is about to
blow up. Kwari is a first-person shoot-em-up
where you win cash for killing your
opponents. You buy ammo from Kwari (a fiver
for 5000 rounds) who act as a virtual arms
dealer. After that you make money every time
you hit someone, and you lose part of your stake
when an opponent hits you. And the best bit is
that the pounding rock soundtrack gets louder
and louder the closer you get to your opponents.

Second Life is being terrorised by groups called
griefers, who invade buildings with flying penises.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Daft Punk, Conservapedia, P Diddy

When Britney ruled the world her songwriters
were Swedish. Now she's just "well, it's not
as bad as I was expecting." So instead listen
to some nice Swedes who've written about her:

The religious right have discovered wiki:

What's P Diddy doing in DC10, Ibiza:

Popbitch's favourite coffee bar:

Daft Punk hands:

"Goodbye cool world". Celebrity
suicide bets:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 9th September

++ Number One
SEAN KINGSTON Beautiful Girls

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
EDITORS An End Has A Start

++ Top Forty

>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!

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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, fatlimey, AG
P, RS, fd, JB, deep_stoat, Mixxxxer99, danceswith
mustelids, CS, GG, s, party_b, deep_stoat, Bored
Roadie, catfight, CF, pauline

* Thanks to Moet & Chandon for the delicious
boxes of champagne:


Old Jokes Home: =
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on
his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in
here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Still Bored?
Last week was Pet Fashion Week in NYC:

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