Thursday, September 13, 2007


"Dancing dogs: it just doesn't get any better
than this." - Richard Madeley
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|_| |_| 13.09.07 ISSUE 366
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* Taking the waiter for a walk
* Keifer's church
* Charts: Sean Kingston is still number one

>> F1 spygate <<
Fast car merry-go-round

McLaren face more spying allegations today.
Gossip behind the scenes says Fernando Alonso
is looking to jump ship at the end of the
season whatever happens, with a big money
move to a lesser team, rather than take a
sabbatical. McLaren are looking at bringing
in Jenson Button to be the number two
driver at the end of next season. Delighted to
get back in a good car, Button is unlikely to
be any trouble to the McLaren team.

But the really sensational rumour concerns who
provided the extra evidence which shopped
McLaren the FIA. Initially fingers were being
pointed at Alonso but F1 insiders tell us that
the smart money is on Hamilton Snr, who was
angry at the team for keeping Lewis in second
place in the last race. Surely not?

The ailing Spyker teams is being bought by a Monaco-
based Indian businessman. Ecclestone is lining up an
Indian GP as part of the deal.

>> Punch drunk <<
Walking your waiter at 4:30am

Remember in 2004 when Kevin Spacey got "brutally
mugged" while walking his dog at 430am? And then
how Spacey revealed he hadn't been mugged but
"fell for a con", where a kid stole his mobile
phone and Spacey, running after him tripped
over his dog?

What really happened was this. Spacey had
taken a shine to a waiter where he was
dining. He handed him a 20 pound note tip
with his phone number on, and the star-struck
waiter agreed to meet him later. The two
men then got trashed together. While walking
back to Spacey's apartment near the Old Vic to
continue their drinking session, they passed
through a nearby park. Spacey made a suggestion
to the waiter about what they could do next.
Not liking this suggestion, the straight but
rather worse for wear waiter, punched the star in
the face. Afterwards, Spacey's lawyers suggested
rather strongly to him that he might want to
keep the story to himself. The waiter wasn't
interested in selling his story or taking any
hush money and has kept a dignified silence
ever since. Almost.

There's a new hire car out in Portugal. It's small,
and if you can't get all your kids inside you can
fit one in the boot. It's called the Renault McCann.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

Back in his college days in Texas this troubled
actor enjoyed dating local boys almost as much
as he liked the girls.

Which daytime TV star could be a guest on
his own show? He met his wife through
a radio contest but is now also enjoying
the charms of a student nurse in Manchester.

50 Cent has promised to retire if his album doesn't
outsell Kanye West in the States this week. Latest
figures show Kanye easily in front.

>> "Goodbye my luggage..." <<
James Blunt: no friend to travellers

im_brigitta_shes_louisa writes:
"I was getting on the Eurostar recently and
couldn't get my suitcase on the X-ray machine
(it's very high at the Waterloo end and my
suitcase was very heavy). So I turned around
and said to the bloke behind, "Could you
possibly help me lift my case?"

"It was James Blunt. He didn't help me."

Behind the till of the Edinburgh branch of Café Rouge
is a sheet of paper advising staff on what to say to
customers to recommend food. The words include:
'astonishing', 'yummy' and 'mmmm'."

>> Eugenie good, Sting bad <<
Old royalty trumps rock royalty

Last year Sting generously gave Princess Eugenie
his American house to stay in. It wasn't so much
fun for her bodyguards, who were given a bare
room with two single beds, basic bathroom and
no windows, and told to stay in their quarters
when they weren't needed. When Eugenie found
out how miserable their stay was she burst
into tears. Bless.

(FYI: The Police shipped over to Europe the entire
US touring production rather than renting here,
because of the weak dollar. Shame the band has no
green activists involved to tell them how
bad that is for the planet...)

Never feed chocolate to a parrot. They die.

>> Kiefer's church <<
Jack Bauer spooked by crowds

Kiefer Sutherland has been shooting a movie,
Mirrors, in Romania. When he first arrived on
set there was quite an unruly crowd of people to
negotiate, and Kiefer was visibly troubled by
the jostling. He announced to the crew, "If
anyone gets in my way on my way to set I will
bodycheck them. This is my church, this is my
fucking church."

The national anthems of Finland and Estonia share
the same melody. But different words.

>> Blue Christmas <<
Jim Davidson makes himself sick

Nice to see our new, ethical TV bosses thought
it was a good idea to pay 60k to try to help
a racist, homophobic old bigot like Jim Davidson
resurrect his career. Someone who attended the
filming of his Christmas show about 20 years
ago, at Germany airbase RAF Gutersloh, recounts
the experience:

"Davidson spent a few days at the base doing
military things, like driving a tank, shooting
at the rifle range. Then he did his stand-up
show for us. Staff had brought their kids with
them, as it was billed as a family special, but
it was rather blue. People were *not* pleased.

"The next day Davidson had one more task to
do for the TV show - fly in a Harrier. The
pilots got their own back with 45 minutes of
aerobatics. Davidson vomited all over
himself, and lost control of his bowels. He
was in such a mess that ground crew refused to
help him from the aircraft. His production team
had to sort him out, plus clean the cockpit. We
had to replace the parachute and part of the
ejection seat, but it was worth it."

(FYI: Jim Davison has been sending rude text messages
to a woman he fancies for weeks. She's too amused by
it to tell him she's a lesbian.)

Comeback kid Jimmy Page spotted in a Kilburn
newsagent last weekend "buying The Mirror and
60 Marlboro reds.

>> Sour apples <<
Travelling is hell for techies

Hardware techies at Apple are regularly sent
from California for intense two-week shifts to
the city-sized FoxConn factory in Shenzhen,
China where iPods are made and tested.

Internally at Apple this is known as
"being sent to Mordor".

Cat Power's rider for a festival in Brazil this month
is an autographed picture of Bob Dylan for her
dressing room.

>> Plus ca change... <<
The box of hair is back

Things move so fast in the modern world, it's
so nice to find that some things never change.
Take Avril Lavigne. When she emerged back in
2003 we described her as "dumb as a box of hair".
She still is.

Top quotes 2003:
"I'm getting more famouser by the day."

"Sometimes I just stay up and go, 'Hey, I'm not
going to sleep tonight.'" - Avril Lavigne

"Who are Duran Duran? Are they a new band?" -
when asked to present a lifetime achievement
award to them at the VMAs.

Top quotes 2007:
"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane
thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six
boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take
it to Katrina!'"

"It's important to be thankful, even if you're
poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water —
well, OK, not people in the developing world."

Jonny Wilkinson or Steven Gerrard? World Cup or
Euro 2008 Qualifiers? O2 help you make your mind up:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Leopons, Grozlars and Lindsay Lohan

Country & Western singer (and Dancing with the
Stars contestant) Sara Evans has had court papers
served by her husband demanding to know if she had
"an affair/sexual relationship/romantic involvement"
with Kenny Chesney, Richard Marx, any member of
her band, any member of 3 Doors Down or ballroom
dancer Tony Dovolani

Top ten hybrid animals:

Highlight your pubes today:

Fun for all the family:

Big things from around the world:

Kanye West thought it would be a good idea to
have this ceiling painting in his house:

Children sing Pavement:

Sex toys for superstars. Special Popbitch offer -
free Kama Sutra Weekender Kit (worth US$48) for
any order over 85 quid, US$170 or AUD$200.

Check out the Current TV Comedy Award - film a
three minute video rant and upload to win cash and
your own series (but hurry, ends Sept 23).

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 16th Sept

We're told this is a great time for British music
but the singles chart doesn't show it. Only two
UK acts in the top 10 (Blunt/Girls Aloud). The USA
dominates. (Well, they do get most of the airplay...)

++ Number One
SEAN KINGSTON Beautiful Girls

++ Top Ten
PAVAROTTI Nessun Dorma

++ Top Twenty
BOOTY LUV Don't Mess With My Man
WHITE STRIPES You Don't Even Know What Love Is
ANDY LEWIS & PAUL WELLER Are You Trying To Be Lonely

++ Top Forty
PHIL COLLINS In The Air Tonight
PURESSENCE Drop Down To Earth

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, RS, HL, meow,
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fatlimey, E, SW

Old Jokes Home:
A man goes into a sweet shop and asks for a Boost,
a Twirl and a Topic.

The shop assistant says: "Nice eyes," spins around,
and then says: "Tony Blair: hero or villain?"

Still Bored?
Tim Westwood makes a tit of himself at Bestival:

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