Thursday, August 02, 2007


From the makers of the award-winning Peep Show’ comes
British Comedy Award winner Star Stories series 1 on
DVD, a hilarious comedy that presses its nose against
the steamy window of fame.

"You don’t go grabbin’ somebody’s husband’s balls,
you understand me? That’s very disrespectful."
- Faith Hill, to a fan of her husband, Tim McGraw
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|_| |_| 02.08.07 ISSUE 360
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* Bet on a baldy at the Beeb
* Bye Bye Goatboy
* Charts: Kate Nash is number one

>> RIP: Reverend Goatboy <<
Popbitcher develops permanent fatal error

"Everyone fancies Goatboy. He's lovely, but he's
probably a horrible 16-year-old student from
Wolverhampton." In April 2001 the Guardian
wrote a feature on the Popbitch messageboard.
An immediate hit, the board had provided a way
for a group of like-minded people with a love of
music and gossip to come together. Not
surprisingly, the article focused on its
obvious star, the Reverend_Goatboy.

Six years on, Goatboy, aka Rev_Rickenbacker,
aka Horace, remains the heart and soul of this
community. Until this week, when we got the sad
news of our friend's sudden death from
pneumonia. We came to love this mischievous,
shady, wickedly funny, warm-hearted internet
legend. From extraordinary tales from his own
life, to his strong political beliefs - anti-
authority, anti-Thatcher, don't let the
bastards get you down - to the most jaw-dropping
pieces of gossip (including two scandalous
stories about an 80s Conservative Cabinet
Minister), tens of thousands of us got to
know Goatboy. We're really going to miss him.
Not least because he always said he was going
to steal Lemmy's corpse when he died and
have him stuffed.

And no, he wasn't a horrible 16 year-old from


There's a very strong rumour that the Tour de France
winner hasn't yet escaped the doping scandal. There's
a bag of blood in a lab in Spain to be tested soon...

>> Red threat, white city <<
Bet on a baldy at the Beeb

All is not well within the BBC. The place is
more than ever starting to resemble the last days
of the Soviet Union. Everyone is attacking
everyone else - the News department feel let down
after Hutton by their colleagues. Now they're
getting their own back by giving Entertainment
a good kicking over the "fakery" scandals.
Journalists are being sent away to "re-education
camps" and there's the constant threat of exile
in Siberia, sorry Manchester, while in-house
magazine Ariel, aka Pravda, just pumps out
good-news stories.

BBC insiders have pointed out that Director-
General succession tends to follow the Soviet
hairy-bald rule - a slaphead is always
followed by a hairy man. (e.g Lenin - Stalin,
Krushchev - Brezhnev, Andropov - Chernyenko,
Gorbachev-Yeltsin). We've had Checkland
(balding), Birt (hairy), Dyke (slap), Thompson
(upside down hair)... So while Mark Byford
might be hoping to destabilise Mark Thompson's
position as much as possible, he's just not
got that requisite look.

Which baldies are in the running?

A Chinese wildlife research centre in Chengdu is
making Olympic souvenirs out of panda poo.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

This fashion designer has been thinking of
having a baby with a lesbian friend so went
to the doctor to find out what to do. Sadly,
a shock was in order when the doctor told
him he's got AIDS.

This beautiful American movie star was tipped
for a glittering career not so long ago but
he quickly got more interested in drugs than
acting. New York party-goers tell of an
extraordinary night when he over-dosed in the
middle of the room, while a Saturday Night
Live funnyman vomited all around him. The
actor was removed by paramedics and the party
just carried on.

CHARITY AUCTION ENDS TODAY 5PM - including full set
Fabric DJ CDS, signed collection of John O'Farrell's
books, bar tabs, free dinners, massage/tango lessons,
cheese AND tickets to Deal or No Deal to open the box!

>> Goatboy Gold - no 1 <<
The Reverend in happier days

"Many years ago, I pulled up at the side of
the road to ask directions from a little old
lady. She turned out to be pissed out of her
fucking head and she screamed at me "Donchoo
know whoo Ai aihm? Aim Beryl Reid, OBE!"

And, indeed, it was. I chose to ask someone
else for directions...."

Timbaland, Ne Yo and R Kelly are writing and
producing a new album for Celine Dion.

>> What would Vicky do <<
Chanelle gets soothed by Beckham

Posh-Spice worshipper Chanelle has quit the
Big Brother house, no doubt to queue up for
Spice Girls reunion tickets. She'd become
increasingly hysterically, with visits
to the diary room all day long. Big Brother
had resorted to telling her to take some deep
breaths and then saying,

"Chanelle. What would Victoria do?"

*FYI: Big Brother addict? Play Subtitle Superstar
and your ad could be featured on TV during the Big
Brother final. Samsung U600s to be won too:

Charley Big Brother turned down tabloid offers of
100k, as she thought she was worth more. Offers were
withdrawn and she finally settled for 25k.

>> Reefer Bradness <<
Embarrassing weed confessions

JB writes:
"I was a runner for a film that Brad Pitt was
starring in. I was told to collect him and co-star
Harrison Ford and take them on set. I open the
door to Pitt's trailer and stick my head in,
calling out 'Mr. Pitt?'. I get about two steps
in and I see Brad Pitt smoking a HUGE joint.

"He asks me if I want to finish the joint with
him and passes it to me, warning me to go
easy as it's strong. 21 year-old me tries to be
cool so sucks down some giant lungfuls.
Four minutes later I can't even move. Brad
eventually asks if I'm OK. I have to say I'm
not. Brad tells me not to worry, to chill
out in the trailer for a while, and that he'll
take my little buggy and collect Harrison Ford.
He'll just say on set that he sent me off to
do an errand for him. It took me about half an
hour before I could even pretend to be normal.
I stagger back to the set. Nobody bats an eyelid."

Westminster Council - slogan "Working to create a
more environmentally friendly city" - offers
businesses absolutely no recycling facilities.

>> Goatboy Gold - no 2 <<
The Reverend in Happier Times

"When Lemmy soundchecks, the sound engineers
always ask whether the DFA levels on the bass
are OK. You may not recognise this technical
term immediately, as it in fact stands for
"does fuck all", and has been a source of
amusement to Motorhead's crew and band for years."

Parlez-vous Popbitch: "Where is the gay club?" in
Japanese. "Doko ni ikeba, gei no bash-o."

>> Hold my sphincter tight <<
Boy-bands don't always age well

East 17 have been playing University Summer
balls. At a recent concert Brian Harvey was
a complete mess all night and, when being ferried
away from the stage, farted all the way down
in the lift and apologised after every one.

Courtney Love checked into a hotel under the alias
Mary Magdalin. Spelled wrongly. Kylie's check in
name is Sue Denim.

>> The drifters <<
Otters - all at sea

Ol' Sparky writes:
"I'm in California on vacation. Last week we
went on a whale watching cruise outside
Monterey, CA, when - all of a sudden - we
stumbled upon a group of sea otters, floating
around on their backs in the middle of the
ocean, doing absolutely nothing. All of a
sudden, the deckhand on the boat leans
over to me, and whispers in my ear:

"Sometimes these fuckers fall asleep, and wake
up ten miles off shore. People don't like
to hear that."

FYI: Remember the Vancouver otters who held hands.
They're back and they're getting frisky!

On the day that MySpace is criticised in the media
for harbouring 30,000 paedos, what does it choose
to advertise on its homepage? The Underage Festival.

>> Goatboy Gold - no 3 <<
The Reverend in Happier Times

Back in summer 1973, a new group did a short
college tour to promote their just about to be
released debut LP. They didn't have enough
songs for an entire set, so they padded it
out (as they all did back then) with a
rock'n'roll cover medley. One of the venues
they played was in Leeds. A young roadie
who worked there was asked by the management
a week or so later what he thought of the
band, as they were interested in booking
them again.

"The one with the poof singer?" says Reverend_
Goatboy. "Didn't rate them." And then Queen
went on to sell 300 million albums.

Global Health Warning: After a number of global
machine-related attacks on Nokia Nseries users, we
have decided to investigate. We urge anyone in close
proximity to Nokia devices to be on full alert.
Horrific attack footage and safety information here:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Mariah Carey, Black Sabbath, Kim Wilde

Mariah Carey's cat and dog hate her.
And each other:

Swedish man will receive sickness benefits
for his addiction to Black Sabbath. Symptoms
include being unable to keep a job:

Kim Wilde gets drenched:

A different kind of flood this week:

The Eurovision Dance Contest is coming!
Get the lowdown here:

FatBoy Slim is F*cking in Roux. It's time to
bring a little sunshine to the proceedings.
Buy two get one free:

One way to cheer up this miserable summer - there's
still time to get into Britain's Next Top Model:
Mondays, 9pm, LIVING

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 5th August

++ Number One
KATE NASH Foundations

++ Top Ten
ROBYN Konichiwa Bitches

++ Top Twenty
PLAIN WHITE TS Hey There Delilah
THE CORAL Who's Gonna Find Me?

++ Top Forty
THE CRIBS Moving Pictures

>> End Bit <<
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Eagle vs Shark. The story of two awkward misfits
who find romance by Academy Award-nominee Taika
Waititi, Special popbitch screenings around the UK:

Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, LA, WB, LT, SP, AM
SV, honk, NW, KD, TA, lovelight, fridgemonkey,
bigdog, pauly, D, PR

Thanks to: LA, AM and WB.

Thanks to Proof Beer for getting us through summer

Old Jokes Home:
The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen
on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that's Aboriginal.

Still Bored?
Dog loves duck

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