Thursday, July 05, 2007


Sick of those smiley faces you get all over emails
these days? Watch them die a horrible death instead.

"The Spice Girls were the original
Cheeky Girls" - George Galloway.
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|_| |_| 05.07.07 ISSUE 356
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* RIP: George Melly
* Meet the apprentice of smoking
* Charts: Rihanna is still number one

>> Spice up your wife <<
Simon Fuller wants some boy power

Simon Fuller has had years to put together
his perfect Spice Girls reunion package. Of course
it wouldn't be complete without the reality TV
svengali introducing a new money-making show.
His plan is to start a search for the Spice Boys!
A worldwide TV contest which would pick the dancers
for the tour. Last time round most of the girls
were shagging the dancers - Mel B even married
one - and Geri (who got dumped by her spice boy)
has been suggesting that the dancers should all
be gay. Instead they'd be chosen by public vote,
with the Spice Girls on the judging panel.

(FYI: The girls will be doing most PR for the tour
individually, carving up continents so they can
cover more ground (and not piss each other off)
Posh will do America, starting with Today show on
12th July and Jay Leno the day after.)

Woody from Madness is now the drummer in a Madness
tribute band.

>> The Apprentice of smoking <<
"Even John Leslie looked embarrassed"

The winner of the last series of The Apprentice,
Simon Ambrose, was drinking at Proud Galleries,
London, last Friday, with John Leslie.

Simon leaned over to the girl on the next
table and asked if he could have one of her
roll-ups. She gave him her papers and tobacco"
and watched him make a very amateur, clumsy fag.
He then asked her for a light.

The girl turned to him and said, "Do you
actually smoke, or what?"

The reality show winner replied, "Not really.
You could say I'm the apprentice of smoking".

Even John Leslie looked embarrassed.

Take That's opening song at the Diana concert, had
this first line, "You, you're such a big star to
me. You're everything I want to be. But you're
stuck in a hole." How true.

>> Big Questions <<
What dealers want to know this week

Most It-girls flirt with cocaine during their
fifteen minutes, before going to rehab. But this
one just can't seem to stay clean. One of
her favourite Cornish hang-outs has banned
her after an incident which resulted in a broken
bathroom door. Others in the county still love
her, like the Fowey hostelry where a staff member
queuing for the toilet after her was treated to an
enormous line of cocaine left on the window sill.

RIP George Melly. His love of music and hedonism is
an inspiration to us all. He said before his death.
"As an atheist, I don't believe in an afterlife. And I
believe in it no less and no more than I did at 20."

>> Phone sex <<
Vodafone's perfect spokesman

Lewis Hamilton can probably get any girl that
he wants these days, but a couple of years ago at
a motor-racing party Lewis' chat-up trick was to
hide the mobile phone of one of the nubile pit
ponies in attendance, then pretend to find it.
And then cleverly suggest for a reward she should
have sex with him.

William Reid, after the Jesus and Mary Chain reunion
at the Royal Festival Hall, was smoking a joint.
A poor young security guard was trying to get him
to stop by telling him, "but it's illegal!"

>> Foreign affairs <<
David Miliband in the sack

john_lewis_partnership writes:
"A girl I know went out with the "youngest
Foreign Secretary for thirty years" back in
the early '90s. She reports that he could only
have it off if she was wearing a black
bra and no knickers."

Popbitch's favourite weathergirl: BBC East Midlands
stalwart Sara Blizzard.

>> Exit light... <<
... Enter night

Metallica are touring Europe this summer. Last
week their website organised a fan meet and greet
at a Belgian festival. The fans arrived in the
afternoon and were shown into a portacabin. After
a while the bass player turned up and said hello
to everyone for about ten minutes. An hour later
Kirk Hammett came along and did the same. And then
nothing for about 90 minutes until Lars Ulrich
showed up. All were friendly but by this time the
fans had spent about three hours in the room with
no food or drink, but with a large security guard
stopping anyone going in or out. James Hetfield
had too many problems with his voice, apparently,
to show up at all, although Paul from Maximo Park
tried to wander in but fell foul of the bouncer.

FYI: The singer of the Bravery was thrown out of the
front of stage area at Werchter Festival as no-one
seemed to know who he was.

Ecuador airline Icaro has launched mid-air lingerie
parades, with voluptuous models strutting up
and down the aisles in underwear and heels.

>> Celebrity gym watch returns <<
Jason Donovan shows he's still a big star

J writes:
"A friend shared the changing rooms at a
gym in Primrose hill with Jason Donovan.
He is, apparently, 'Rather large. Like
a soggy Spring Roll'."

The Principal at Carl Wanke Elementary, San
Antonio Texas is Don Van Winkle.

>> Dead wrong <<
References from beyond the grave

Flack-Jacket writes:
"Nice to see Alan Johnston safe. My company
sent me on the kidnap training course. The firm
who trained us asked for written comment
on what we thought about their service.
I politely suggested they might want to
remove from their website the glowing
reference given about the training by ITV's
Terry Lloyd who, after all, had died
after being ambushed in Iraq in 2003."

Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today
after police found a suspicious car parked outside.
It was taxed, insured and still had its radio.

>> Roswell was real! <<
Man of the week: Walter Haut.

Lieutenant Walter Haut was the PR officer at
Roswell airbase in 1947, and was the man who
supervised the publicity campaign to show
people there was no extra-terrestrial encounter
but that a weather balloon had crashed. Haut
has just died and left an affidavit to be opened
on his death. It said that this had just been
a cover story, that there had been a UFO and
that he had seen small humanoid alien bodies.
What a brilliant joke to go out on...?

Boris Becker had dinner at Nobu, Park Lane, last
Saturday. Hope the broom cupboard was closed.

>> Hitler: nice bloke really? <<
Judy Finnigan puts her own take on history

"I heard Bernard Manning had died on BBC radio
news - I was shocked. Not at his death, but at
the cold and brusque announcement... the
newsreader launched into an account of how
offensive his humour was and how racist. That
was that. No acknowledgement that he could be
hysterically funny, no fond memories of him
from other comics, by whom he was much loved."

Judy's probably not now on the shortlist for
Celebrity Big Brother.

Afghanistan is introducing a smoking ban.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Red Bull, Kajagoogoo, enlightenment

J Pop is back! Our new favourite band is Pee
or Boo, so listen to Cuty Boy:

Worried you know too much about Britney and
Lindsay? Easy way to make yourself look clever -
Dan Hind's The Threat To Reason, a notorious
but accessible new look at the Enlightenment,
God botherers and God botherer-botherers:

We know she's a soft target, but it's a cold,
rainy July day and Victoria (daughter of
Jonathan) Aitken's attempts at pop are
worth a giggle:

Want to know what's really in Red Bull?

Visit Discoo for T-Shirts by celebrity fave
Junk Food. Check out bestselling "Don't Hate
Me Because I'm Skinny" Tee:

More on the Brazilian football star said
to be ready to come out - he was accidentally
outed on a football discussion show this week:

Have you seen Kajagoogoo's new video?

A man in Oregon who shot a snorkeller in the
head after mistaking him for a rodent has been
sentenced to prison. William Roderick had been
smoking weed and thought he saw a nutria, a cross
between a beaver and a muskrat, in the water.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 8th July

++ Number One
RIHANNA Umbrella

++ Top Ten
AVRIL LAVIGNE When You're Gone
FERGIE Big Girls Don't Cry

++ Top Twenty

++ Top Forty
INTERPOL The Heinrich Manoeuvre
FERGIE Glamorous

>> End Bit <<
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* Big Brother top three revealed! Probably.

Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, JB, LT, LB, AB, MTB,
NM, MT, AM, plastiktom, DH, Ag, AB, JH, theabominable
homan, NL, rich, sunsetbitch, pedro, miss x,

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
A: Heinz.

Still Bored?
Get your cat a place at a retirement home:

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