Thursday, June 21, 2007


"There are some players that have sport psychologists.
I smoke." - US Open winner Angel Cabrera
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|_| |_| 21.06.07 ISSUE 354
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* Whatever happened to Duran Duran?
* Wallpaper's style counsel
* Charts: Rihanna is number one

>> Monster hit <<
The Automatic V Bob The Builder

The Automatic had a huge hit last year with
Monster. Bob The Builder's people approached
the band for permission to do a cover of the
song for Xmas, with the lyrics changed to:

'What's that coming over the hill?
It's Bob The Builder, Bob The Builder.'

Sadly the band refused, afraid that people
people would shout this back at them at all
their future gigs. (And now's your chance...)

Harvey from So Solid Crew has been moaning to people
in Ibiza that he can't go out clubbing all night,
claiming girlfriend, Javine, is pregnant.
Bet his wife, Alesha, will be delighted.

>> Hostage to fortune <<
TV news-crews get special training

Alan Johnston has now spent 100 days as a
hostage in Gaza. TV news networks are taking
no chance with other British foreign
correspondents. News hounds are being hurriedly
sent on Kidnapping Training courses.

And what are they told to do in the event
of being kidnapped?
"Tell them absolutely anything they want."

Larry Birkhead celebrated Fathers Day with an
interview in OK! He said his and Anna Nicole Smith's
baby was going to taste her first french fry that day.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

Which celebrity guest got steaming drunk at
John Terry's wedding last weekend and spent the
evening on the mirrored dancefloor loudly telling
the other female guests what colour pants they
were wearing?

This TV food expert likes to get his girlfriends
to dress up in school uniform, before asking
them 'Have you been a naughty girl?' Then he bends
them over his knee and spanks them with a cane.
He claims it is stress relief but he obviously
likes to be the Master in his relationships.

John Brunning, who presents Classic Newsnight on
Classic FM, used to be in Mungo Jerry.

>> Sin and tonic <<
Vauxhall gets a new cocktail

GHB is still the drug of choice in the gay
club triangle of Vauxhall despite its obvious
drawbacks (easy to overdose, vomiting,
coma, death). To mask its bitter, salty
taste clubbers have started mixing it with
tonic water, creating a new cocktail and
the ubiquitous question on the dancefloor:
"D'you want a G&T, girl?"

Darren Day is letting TV companies know that he is
available for any celebrity reality show coming up.

>> Pott-shot <<
Britain's got hyperbole

Ah, how Britain loves an underdog. Opera
singing Paul Potts becomes a national TV star
thanks to his back story of being a bullied
phone salesman with a lack of confidence.

Residents of Eastville, Bristol, were most
surprised at his TV billing, as Potts has
been a prominent local politician, confident
enough to be elected a Lib-Dem Councillor in
1999. Potts told TV judges that he'd spent
several months at opera school in Italy in
2000, which must have impressed the constituents
who thought they'd voted for someone to
represent their interests in Bristol.

This plucky newcomer had also previously
appeared on Michael Barrymore's My Kind of
Music, sung with Bath Opera and The Royal
Philharmonic Orchestra and performed as
soloist all over Northern Italy.

An opinion poll this week claims more than 40% of
Americans would use genetic engineering to upgrade
their children mentally and physically if possible.

>> Burying bad news <<
ITV in best possible taste

Last Friday morning's news channels showed hushed
footage of Portuguese police starting to dig
up the area tipped off to be where Madeline
McCann's body was buried.

So it was a nice relief to turn over to ITV's
Jeremy Kyle show to find an episode entitled
"My little girl was butchered to death and
we've never found the body."

Teddy Sheringham is an anagram of He'd Shag Dirty Men.

>> Style counsel <<
Office advice for staff

Wallpaper* was the embodiment of 90s style and
luxury design. Recently the magazine has moved
from its Jasper Conran-designed home in Covent
Garden to Southwark, and a new building they
share with publishing stablemates like Practical
Parenting and Motor Caravan Weekly.

So, well done to the editor's office for keeping
up their reputation with this email to staff:

"It has come to Tony's attention that the office
is looking rather... common these days. Yes,
its been hard to give our bit of the Blue Fin call
centre that extra Wallpaper* touch, but just coz
we're in the same building as everyone else
doesn't mean our space has to look normal.
Creative clutter, good! Random stacks of paper,
boxes, and corporate looking desks, bad! Please
make a little effort to keep your work areas
looking interesting.

P.S Hedi Slimane will be in our offices to meet
Tony and Nick from 3pm - 5pm tomorrow, look sharp!"


>> Minor problem <<
More pointless pop star wibbling

The Times is promoting Pete Doherty's new
"diaries". The first attempt at an interview
was abandoned, much to the annoyance of
journalist and photographer, when Pete's rep
said he'd only turn up if the newspaper bought
him a Morris Minor he'd just seen advertised
in a local paper.

James are playing a secret gig at the Hoxton Square
Bar and Kitchen on Monday.

>> Save a prayer <<
What ever happened to Duran Duran?

Duran Duran played a special gig for their fan
club in New York last week. People flew in
from all over the world, paying a fortune for
tickets. It was an absolute disaster. Even Nick
Rhodes said it was their worst gig ever.

First song up was Planet Earth. Simon Le Bon
forgot the lyrics. The same thing happened with
Hungry Like The Wolf and Save A Prayer.
Rhodes then played the wrong sample/audio
track during Reach Up For The Sunrise. By the
time the song chosen by a poll of fans, Lonely In
Your Nightmare, was botched the Hammerstein
Ballroom was quite empty. John Taylor was the
only one keeping it together. He was later
over-heard mumbling in the lobby of the Mercer
Hotel, "This would never have happened if
we hadn't sacked Andy."

(FYI: The band held a playback for their new album
in a West Chelsea loft. Celebrities in attendance:
Mickey Dolenz, Moby and Rocco DiSpirito. Fans are
no longer waiting for it with baited breath.)

New Belfast chip shop, For Cod and Ulster, has
introduced a memorial George Best burger - "bird on
top, beef down below" chicken/meat combination.

>> More Barrymore <<
Family's helper has unusual past

Terry Lubbock has gone through hell over the last
years trying to piece together what happened to
son Stuart at Michael Barrymore's house. But he
might want to re-consider who represents him
in the media. Popping up everywhere as his
spokesman and legal advisor is Tony Bennett,
previously best known for being Robert Kilroy
Silk's political researcher and being banned
from UKIP for "offensive remarks about Islam".

The head tutor for the Australian Direct Marketing
Association is called Richard Pester.

>> Doggy-style <<
On-screen shagger's teenage past

Truffles writes:
"I went to Barnet College with Ziggy from
Big Brother. The college was a bit rough so
the ex-private school people stuck together,
including Ziggy and I.

"He was never particularly bright bless him,
but in the short time he was there we would
hang out at his folks' lush house, getting
stoned by the pool.

"We had sex. It was too quick and he grunted
several times, which made me feel really weird
because they really reminded me of the sound
of his dog (who was very sweet.)"

Catch up with Ziggy and all the Big Brother action
for free on 4oD:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Blue knob, Fat cat, dramatic chipmunk

While we wait for Spice Girls imminent comeback
announcement, here's something from Posh's
gangsta period, though unlikely to be a single:

Song to promote Teesside:

Go skiing at:

The best 5 second video on the internet:
(May cause some pop-ups though)

Bernard Manning, The Smiths and 'Chicken Shirt'
tees now available: (+ free UK P&P!)

Is this cat fatter than our previous fattest cat?

Made it to Glastonbury? Orange bring you
video clips of the favourite tales from the field
from Just Jack, The Chemical Brothers, The Rakes:

You'd expect something that involved Paris, driving
and a stroppy girl to end up with a jail sentence...
not the case:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 24th June

++ Number One
RIHANNA Umbrella

++ Top Ten
LEE MEAD Any Dream Will Do
THE EDITORS Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors
MUSE Map Of The Problematique

++ Top Twenty
TAKT THAT I'd Wait For Life

++ Top Forty
GARETH GATES Angel On My Shoulder
AVRIL LAVIGNE When You're Gone
HOOSIERS Worried About Ray
ASH Polaris
MELANIE C Carolina

>> End Bit <<
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Still Bored?
Where Daft Punk got their samples:

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