Thursday, May 24, 2007


>> La la land <<
Michelle fights some weighty foes

Eastenders' Michelle Ryan scores the lead role
in the re-make of the Bionic Woman. The show is
much praised and secures a prime-time run on NBC.
In the show Michelle is a super-fit tennis pro,
who gets a $50 million bionic body after a sky-
diving accident, which gives her super-strength.

Executives from other networks and at least one
top casting agent have been heard gossiping this
week about Michelle's "massive weight problem".
Because, of course, a sportswoman should look just
like Nicole Richie. Women just can't win in LA.

Guy Ritchie is back to what he knows best - making
another gangster movie. Working title: Rock n Roller.

>> Hello sailor <<
US investors meet Winehouse

Universal music's parent company Vivendi wrote
to investors about their new artists. This is
how they introduced Amy Winehouse to US
shareholders and financial institutions:

"Everything about Amy Winehouse seems larger
than life. The petite singer has a voice like
Billie Holiday and old-style sailor tattoos."

The Sun and The Daily Mirror websites are blocked
from viewing in Sudan. (So their government is
not all bad, then...)

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

Before his career really took off this US
TV actor was a Grade A gakhead and boozer.
You could almost say "cheers" was his favourite
word. An ex-girlfriend of his confided to us
about one night back in the 80s. She got to
put on a strap-on, take the comedy star up the
arse and then have the joy of doing coke
off his bald spot. Wonder what a psychiatrist
would say about that?

Which Ministry of Sound Records executive
was seen getting off with a ladyboy in
Bangkok. He claims he didn't know...

RIP Rod Poole. Swervedriver's guitarist killed
in LA in a vicious road rage attack.

>> Loose lips <<
Pete Burns needs help

Pete Burns held interviews last weekend for a
new reality TV Series, "Pete's PA". People were
auditioned to be his personal assistant.
(Replacement for a similar vehicle starring
Jade Goody).

Popbitch reader NaiveLondonGirl went along.
"Only about 50 people showed up. I told Pete I
wanted to work with someone who's lips were
bigger than mine.

"'Which lips'? He replied."

She doesn't think she got the job.

The Deputy Headmaster of Coombe Boys School, Surrey,
is called... Mr Fidler.

>> Stately homo <<
Limahl has surgery, gets man

Congratulations to Limahl, who is about to
get hitched to his partner of 14 years, Steve.
During that time Limahl has had surgery on
his upper and lower eyelids, a full chemical
peel, fat injected from his body into his
face, and his eyes done for the second time.
No wonder Steve doesn't feel the need for
a new man, he's got one. Boom-boom.

FYI: Limahl is a member of English Heritage and
the National Trust. He says he never leaves home
without his guide to stately homes, just in
case he can squeeze in a quick visit.

FYI 2: Limahl is writing for and producing (with
Ian Curnow) a band called Switch 22. We like
1985 - its very 5ive:

Loaded's front cover has Pam Anderson and Borat
"Together at last!" Or in fact a 2004 shot of Pam and
a press shot of Borat inexpertly spliced together.

>> Teddy gets his cards? <<
Soccer mystery may be solved

Another football season ends. All the gossip,
scandal and sleaze will no doubt be back
again in a couple of months. There was one
question we've been wondering about... where
was Teddy Sheringham during West Ham's
do-or-die fight to avoid relegation?

A West Ham insider claims he knows. The story
goes that on Alan Curbishley's first away game
as manager Sheringham sat on the team bus playing
cards for money with some of the younger members
of the team. He cleaned most of them out,
one for at least 20 grand. Curbishley is said to
have told Teddy to cancel all the bets, or he'd
never play for the Hammers again. Looking at the
young, lippy, Bentley-owning, non-entities...
Sheringham refused.

Last year America made arms deals with $21 billion.
A new world record. In second place was UK, with
$4.8bn, including to 19/20 countries whose human
rights records our foreign office say is "of concern".

>> Naked ambition <<
Gok gets body of his dreams

Drama queen writes:
"I went to Drama School with Gok from How to
Look Good Naked. He was hilarious. I liked
him a lot. But he was always crash dieting.

"His favoured methods for losing weight were
The Tenko Diet (three cups of boiled rice per
day) and The Speedy Granny Diet (apples and
copious amounts of speed)."

First celebrity ligger to phone for free VIP
tickets to V Festival? Michelle Dewberry,
from The Apprentice.

>> The Brits aren't coming <<
America fails to love our telly

Everyone's getting over-excited about how
well British TV is doing in the States
since The Office got remade and the IT
Crowd got a small mid-season pick-up.
Yet, maybe the real story is, how badly
UK shows have done this summer re-made as
US pilots. Life On Mars, Footballers'
Wives, The Thick Of It, I'm With Stupid
and The Vicar of Dibley all failed to
get picked up by a network. One UK drama
did buck the trend... Wild At Heart,
ITV's unfashionable series about a
suburban vet and family, who move to Africa.

FYI: US shows aren't faring much better with UK TV
people currently watching new show screenings in LA.
Only two shows get the thumbs up so far: K Ville,
a police drama in post-Katrina New Orleans and
Dirty Sexy Money.

Paul Wolfowitz hasn't just lost his job at World Bank.
It seems as if his girlfriend (whose promotion and
pay-rise got Wolfie the boot) has dumped him.

>> The man who kills pilots <<
And no planes or twin towers involved

Jonathan Cake is a good and successful British
actor in LA... with one big problem. Whichever
pilot he appears in crashes and burns.

His shows from the last couple of years included
Inconceivable (ER-like drama about a fertility
clinic which lasted two episodes), Six Degrees
(cancelled and replaced by re-runs of Wife Swap),
American Embassy (lasted three episodes) and Empire
(a big budget disappointment, but did also star
Trudie Styler).

One of this summer's much-hyped new shows was
CBS's Mastersons of Manhattan. But even with
Friends' director James Burrows helming and
the wonderful Molly Shannon starring, the Cake
Curse struck again. The pilot was not picked
up by the network. Maybe next year, Jonathan.

Bez was treated in Wythenshawe Hospital, Manchester,
for a stab wound from a domestic incident. (He's a
regular patient, e.g. celebrating the Happy Monday's
reunion tour by setting his own head on fire.)

>> It's a fair cop <<
Boys in blue live up to name

Welsh PC Richard Bowen is on trial accused
of masturbating into his handkerchief in front of
a female suspect during a 240 mile journey in a
squad car.. twice. Bowen's defence? He "knocked
one out" before staring work. And put his hankie
back in his pocket because he was "running late".

While across the Atlantic, Tennessee state trooper
Randy Moss has been suspended for letting a porn
star off drug charges in return for a blow-job
in some bushes, after he pulled her over for
speeding. Barbie Cummings wrote it up on her blog,
along with some photos of the act he let her take.

Nick Carter has recently been appointed Special
Ambassador for the Year of the Dolphin by the UN.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Stoning, toilet humour, big pussy

Rambo IV trailer - we haven't laughed so much
in weeks. (And yes, its is Darla he goes to save)

17 year-old Iraqi woman Duaa Khalil Aswad's fell
in love with a boy from another religion. Seem
fair, then, that her male relatives stone her
to death? Someone videoed it:

Chuck Palahnuik has a new book out - Rant.
For more info, and to play Rant game:

Fancy dress = child abuse:

Easy Bank Holiday reading - Topped Of The Pops.
X Factory-style contestants and judges come to
very grisly ends. We love what happens
to their Simon Cowell.

Last week we told you about Orange's awesome
Spot The Bull contest to win Glastonbury tickets.
To recap: there's a bull in a field. Predict
where in the field he'll be standing and win.
You can't beat a bit of bully:

Is this the fattest cat you've seen?

Smiley Face Acid House t-Shirts and dresses
for boys and girls by Religion Clothing. Get
sorted this summer in Retro Madchester gear:

Steven Gerrard somehow found the time this week to
get his lawyers to write us a rather pompous
letter. They make a fair point though. We're told
he isn't buying the house we linked him to last week.
Sorry about that Steven: the new neighbours you won't
be having are gutted as you're a local hero.
(P.S. you might want to point out to your lawyers that
your name is spelled "Gerrard" not "Gerard".)

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 27th May

++ Number One
MAROON 5 Makes Me Wonder

++ Top Ten
RHIANNA Umbrella

++ Top Twenty
KAISER CHIEFS Everything Is Average Nowadays

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, JB, DL, celtiagirl,
NS, deidre, K, frank_syntax, A, ccbaxter, Pidpoid,
MA, P,

Old Jokes Home:
An Irishman was driving along the motorway when he was
overtaken by a lorry transporting turf to a garden centre.
'That's what I'll do when I'm rich', he says to his wife.
'Have me lawn taken away to be cut'.

Still Bored?
Couple having sex on roof in Soho:

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