Thursday, August 07, 2008

Kung Fu Giant Cat Bear

Could this be the best ever medals haul for GB at
the Olympics? Spend 25 quid with Betfair and they'll
give you another 25. You could make a series of
cheeky flutters on the Brits (or bet against them)
using Betfair's free money:

"Sienna Miller must got bored very quickly because
she doesn't half put herself about" - Kerry Katona
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|_| |_| 07.07.08 ISSUE 409
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
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* Kath & Kim: stay in Melbourne!
* Timbaland (hearts) Chris Cornell
* Charts: Katy Perry is number one

>> Slave to love <<
Spare a thought for celebrity children

We thought in the West the days of child slavery
were, thankfully, over. Yet for many of the
children of celebrities, a life born into slavery
even from the first weeks of life, beckons.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt waited barely
three weeks before turning their twins into cash
cows, putting them to work in front of the
cameras for a multi-million pound fee. No
matter that the fee was for a good cause,
it was their children who had to earn it.

OK! magazine's repost to Hello's Brangelina
exclusive this week was to bring out its
big guns, in the shape of Jordan. Her
daughter, Princess, got to celebrate her first
birthday by helping her "uncle" Richard
Desmond sell copies of his magazine. Jordan's
willingness to tell the world that her one-year old
daughter never wears the same things twice and
has a hundred pairs of shoes ensured OK! had
as many column inches as Hello.

And in LA, the Beckhams' continuing quest for
even more fame saw David pick up an award
at the Teen Choice Awards. And helping make sure
he got the most coverage from the event, his
three boys, in matching outfits (and haircuts
just like their Dad, to ram the point home) also
had to get up on stage and act up,
like performing monkeys.

Surely as concerned, right-thinking citizens we
should support the work of the anti-child slavery
movement by shunning these harsh taskmasters?

Claire from The Apprentice: robbed of her rightful
win when Suralan appointed a moron, she's now got
severe back problems from the high-heels she wore on
the show to try to look taller next to the men.

>> Timbagarden <<
When r&b meets grunge

The first track from the collaboration between
Chris Cornell and Timbaland is out now. Timbaland
had approached Cornell's record label to suggest
he produce the grunge star's third solo album,
but Cornell wasn't interested.

To get the gig, Timbaland got hold of Cornell's
mobile number and called him up personally to
ask him to let him produce the record. He
rhapsodied about Soungarden's early albums on
Sub Pop, before they signed to a major, to
the extent that Cornell realised the producer
was a genuine fan and the two bonded. Let's
hope disappointing first track, Long Gone,
is not representative of the album.

Listen to Long Gone:

Top five celebrities in China: Yao Ming (Houston
Rockets), 110m hurdler Liu Xiang, film director Zhang
Yimou, Jet Li and second basketball star, Yi Jianlian.

>> Belles of London <<
Disney looking to Blighty?

Disney is looking to develop another lucrative
teen project - The Belles of London. Hope and
Liberty are two 14/15 year olds from different
backgrounds who meet at a girls' private
school in London and become best friends.

As in High School Musical, music is the backbone
and a feature song will be incorporated into each
episode. The project will create a TV show as well
as an album selling act, Belles Of London - live
tour, merchandising, film etc.

Hope is punky (likes Amy Winehouse,
Juliette Lewis, Agyness Deyn).

Liberty is an English Rose, (think
Leona Lewis and Katherine Jenkins).

Michael Phelps has been learning Mandarin. The first
word he learned was shui - water.

>> American Fuckwit Association <<
Watch Tyson Homosexual go for gold

The American Family Association is a pressure group
which polices the entertainment industry about
anything they think disses "traditional family values".

One of its bugbears is the appropriation of the word
"gay" by gays. So the AFA website has a policy of
always replacing the word "gay" with homosexual.

Recently the AFA website had a piece about the
Olympics, more specifically 100m star Tyson Gay.
Its auto-correct function got to work:

"Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100
meters faster than anyone ever has... "It means a
lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm
glad my body could do it, because now I know I
have it in me."

FYI: Ever wanted a reason to eat in McDonalds? AFA want
you to boycott it, as they support US gay pride.
Big Macs all round!

Panda bears may not be bears. They may be more
closely related to the raccoon.

>> Big Questions <<
What Olympic fans are asking this week

Which member of the UK Olympics team is a
big fan of older hairy-chested lovers?
The hairy-chested older lover said the
sports star was lovely and they had
"much fun" together.

Let Trinny and Susannah style you online –
minus the boob grope. Promise.

>> Bet your way out of the credit crunch <<
Popbitch's irresponsible guide to finance

We're scouring the form guides to try and
make some beer money this summer.

* Liu Xiang, 110m hurdler, China's biggest Olympics
star, goes head-to head with Cuba's Dayron Robles,
who broke Liu's world record in June and will
start favourite. A good time to back Liu.

* Bet on Andy Murray 11/1 for tennis Gold if
he avoids Nadal's half of the draw.

* Value bet in the football is Holland to win,
at 10/1. They've won the last two Euro U21
Championships and favourites Brazil and Argentina
are having trouble getting their best players
cleared to play.

* America to win most Golds, 3/1. China start
favourites, but it's always been America...

Olympic bets here:

The Chinese word for Panda is Xiongmao, or
Giant Cat Bear.

>> The one and only <<
Chesney attracting Hoff-like fan-love

Chesney Hawks is about to star in a musical
based on Barry Manilow's songs! This summer he's
also been playing university social events,
like the Big D, at York. Students involved
said "was an absolute star, gave an amazing
performance playing all the best cheese from
the last 20 years and learned and performed
our College song.

"His rider was very conservative (unlike Lil'
Chris last year who asked for a whole roast
chicken and didn't even eat it) and he
hung around afterwards for ages to chat to
students. A true legend."

Chesney/Manilow ticket news:

David Gest and Peter Andre were spotted having a
beer together in Manchester last week in the
Brunswick pub, "a shitty little chef and brewer pub
at the bottom of station approach".

>> Old Olympic gold <<
Poodles, Paris and pigeon shooting

Beijing may be a controversial choice to host
the Olympics but it won't get close to Paris,
in 1900, for sheer weirdness and eventfulness.
Many of these disciplines didn't make it on
to 1904, surprisingly.

1. Poodle-clipping
A farmer's wife won the gold medal. She
trimmed 17 poodles in two hours.

2. Pigeon Shooting
On this occasion, there were live pigeons to be shot.
300 pigeons were let loose. Leon Lunden, from
Belgium, was the winner, with 21 birds.

3. Rowing
Adult coxes were replaced by children in the
rowing events for some bizarre reason. These
were probably the youngest ever contestants.

4. Women
For the first time women competitors took part.
Charlotte Cooper was the first female Olympic
champion, winning the tennis singles. However
she was not the first gold medallist, as Olympic
medals were not awarded to anyone until 1904.

5. Cricket
The Olympics cricket contest only had two teams
in it - Britain and France. And the French team
was largely filled with Brits from the embassy
in Paris. Britain won. Cricket didn't feature
in the Olympics again.

6. Equestrian high and long jump
Sounds like the best sport ever.

Dr Dre cognac is about to be launched.

>> Asutralian rules <<
Kath and Kim America: poor

For more than two years NBC in America has been
trying to remake this Australian comedy gem,
re-set in Florida. The original Kath and Kim
were odd but realistic Melbourne suburban
stereotypes, played by local comedians.

Kath and Kim USA, are played by two beautiful
and hugely successful Hollywood stars, Selma Blair
and Molly Shannon. Molly Shannon is usually
brilliant and could possibly pull off the
role of Kath but slim Selma Blair pretending
to be a couple of ounces overweight isn't quite
the same as seeing an aging wannabe try and
force middle-age spread into tight jeans,
as was the strength of the original Kim.
The third character in the show, Sharon, has
been binned as the actress who portrayed her,
Magda Szubanski, refused to allow her character
to cross the Atlantic. Sharon is now a gay guy.

Have a look at these trailers and make your
own mind up:

FYI: Must-see TV - The Islam Channel is producing a game
series pitting Muslim, Jewish and Christian religious
figures against each other to promote integration.

FYI 2: Latest UK import: Celebrity Human
Tetris, from Japan?

When llama trekking, the typical llama comfort stop
is a ruminative procedure requiring up to eight
minutes of immobility.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Karl Rove, Dr Robert, Spectacled bear

Faye isn't the only film star from Steps.
Lee was in this film:

Karl Rove wants to be a pop star:

The panda's closest relative is the Spectacled Bear of
South America. He's nice:

Amazing C-Pop to usher in the Olympics:

Only 24 days until the UK's first 24 hour musical
picnic… hurry:

Cheggers opened a Co-op supermarket and a blogger
reviewed his appearance. Is this really Keith
adding his own comments?

Eastenders' Adam Woodyatt has a parallel career
as a professional photographer:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 10th August

++ Number One
KATY PERRY I Kissed A Girl

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
RIHANNA Disturbia

++ Top Forty
CASCADA Because The Night

>> End Bit <<
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* The Blow Monkeys are back! They have a surprisingly
good new album and a UK tour, starting at the end of
the month, sponsored by Spirit of the Sun.
We have tickets to give away, hurrah!
To enter competition of for tour/tickets news:

Thanks to: AM, SW, LB, LT, GS, ze_rocker, 7z7, OL, N
minky_chunky, CS, intheissynoho 16, SON, sw, kunani

Old Jokes Home:
I bought some new headphones the other day. The left
one just went "Steak and kidney", while the right
one just went "Chicken and mushroom!"

That's the last time I buy anything from Pioneer.

Still Bored:
Bert and Ernie go gangsta rap:

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