Thursday, July 17, 2008

Pink and cobwebs

Charity! Help Popbitch! Play cricket with a nice
bunch of drunks this Saturday (i.e. us). Also raffle
prizes, beer, or vodka: email

"We looked like five men dressed as women" -
Victoria Beckham on the Spice Girls

_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 17.07.08 ISSUE 406
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* Don't panic, I'm Islamic
* When David David met Chesney Hawkes
* Charts: McFly are number one

>> Punch drunk <<
Everyone wants a piece of Ricky

Poor Ricky Hatton. One minute he's a World
Title fight contender and everyone's favourite,
the next he's starting to attract tabloid ire
for his boozy tour of Britain. What Ricky
probably doesn't know is that there's any
number of freelance hacks following him
looking for a front-page exclusive. He might
start to be a little more careful about the
girls he talks to on nights out...

Stephen Fry commands less to turn up and speak than
you have to pay to get Kid Kreole and the Coconuts
or Vernon Kay. But does cost more than Paul Ross.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which love-split rat might be finding it
hard to keep his nose clean because he
keeps putting so much cocaine up it?

Which supermodel had a stand-up row with
her husband at a big celebrity social
event in front of other guests who were
shocked at his language to her?

See Rufus Wainwright as Elvis Presley in highly
acclaimed Teddy Thompson's new video, In My Arms:

>> Don't panic, I'm Islamic <<
From double glazing to laserquest

Labour and Conservative MPs were banned from
attending last weekend's IslamExpo for some
spurious Islamophobic reasons. Popbitch
attended and this is the sort of disgraceful
extremism we encountered:

* bouncy castle
* laserquest (queue was too long so sadly
we gave up)
* double glazing - special offers
* great range of baby t-shirts, including
"Don't Panic, I'm Islamic" and "Allah's
Small Soldier"
* mens t shirts in bright orange with the
slogan "My mate got sent to Camp X-Ray
and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
* Rabbis v Imams v Priests five-a-side
football. (The Imams won 4-0)

Jude Law spotted with two children saying to
one of them "You shouldn't talk about Nanny
Ludlow like that."

>> When David met Chesney <<
The one and only bacon sandwich

GB writes:
"Last Sunday Chesney Hawkes was standing in
the wings nursing a coffee while he waited
to go on as a guest on Adam Boulton's Sky
Sunday morning chat show when he was
approached by recently resigned Conservative
MP David Davis, also a guest on the show.
Was he about to ask for The One and Only's
autograph? No. "Could you get me a bacon
sandwich?" asked the politician, mistaking
Chesney for a member of the crew.
The singer dutifully replied 'I'm sure
we can arrange that, Sir'."

The name "ferret" is derived from the Latin furittus,
meaning "little thief".

>> It's Britney (and Madge) bitch <<
What's happening on tour with Madonna

Britney has been recording videos for Madonna's
tour. The first sees her in a hoodie trapped
in a lift "cracking up and going mental",
before delivering her "It's Britney, bitch" line.
This kick starts a mash up of The Beat Goes On
and"Piece of me. The video for this has
Madge and Brit mummified. Men wearing nothing
but leather thongs unwrap them, to reveal the
scantily-clad singers getting it on.

More Madonna: there will be medleys featuring
Dance tonight/Borderline/Open your heart/Heartbeat.

>> Draper answers siren call <<
Don't worry about me, I'm a psychiatrist

November 2004, former New Labour lobbyist
Derek Draper, back in Britain after studying to be a
psychotherapist in California, wrote an article
in the New Statesman saying that he was the only
one from his peer group to have stepped away from
politics and made a new life.

Draper said that politics exerted a powerful
pull on those with no self-worth, "For anyone
with an underdeveloped sense of self-esteem,
this is a lifeline... I suspect that what ultimately
matters to my old comrades is not what they do
for politics, as they claim, but what politics
does for them."

So Draper bravely went off, married GMTV muppet
Kate Garraway and threw himself into developing
a TV career. Attempts for the pair to become the
new political Richard and Judy haven't worked
and the high point has been appearing as
Jeremy Kyle's on-screen therapist.

So how has this quest for self-worth and the
kind of stable personal and professional life
which is deaf to what he called "Westminster's
siren call" turned out?

July 2008, “Draper is to be the first appointment
by Labour's general secretary, Ray Collins, to
help revive the party's fortunes.” The Guardian.

dawnsyndrome writes: "I spent a very nice evening with
Aisleyne. She was very accommodating and regaled us
with tales of Mike Tyson having a go at her tumpsy."

>> Seeing Amy's kebab <<
Winehouse minders "polite"

J writes:

"Amy Winehouse popped in to my local kebab house
at the end of last week, around two in the
morning. She handed out cards from a pack to
some of the other diners. I have to say, her
three large minders were very polite.

"She's nothing left on her bones, though. Won't
make thirty if she doesn't stop, which would
be a huge pity 'cos she's flaming talented and
has never hit me."

Popbitch's favourite debt collector... Sinclair
Goldberg Price's, Mr Steve Hassall.

>> Legal rubbish <<
The final word on Lord Judge

QC writes: “The new Lord Chief Justice was not
previously Judge Judge, he was Lord Justice Judge,
and before that he was Mr Justice Judge. He will
now become Lord Judge, Chief Justice. An even
more aptly named judge some years ago was
Mr Justice Dunn.”

Evil little girl unleashes thick, sticky,
delicious death on town...slowly:

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
White lions, rim jobs, Flaming Lips

Flaming Lips look to be close to releasing their
movie Christmas On Mars, which has been seven
years in the making. They play Lovebox Sunday:

Sienna in a bikini anyone? Time for some celebrity
beach body spotting!

Sex Toys for Superstars. 20% off Everything:


Klepto ferret:

White lion cubs:

Cost of living up, cost of T-Shirts down.
Over 80% of our lines now £9.99:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 20th July

++ Number One
McFly One For The Radio

++ Top Ten
MADONNA Give It 2 Me

++ Top Forty
NOAH & THE WHALE 5 Years Time

>> End Bit <<
Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Web hosting by:

* Mail by aysabtu

* Festival time!
Want to go to Standon Calling, 1-3 Aug? See Phil
Hartnoll, Super Furry Animals, Late of the Pier etc.
Tickets cost £89. To win a pair, tell us a joke:
More info:

Thanks to: AM, SW, LB, LT, SW, CS, GD, party_b,
LC, jeffjaffacake, onthehushush, ptbear, RC, GB

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What is pink and covered in cobwebs?
A: Madeline McCann's bike.

Still Bored:
Open Doors - infuriating puzzle
(hint: going backwards helps)

No comments: