Sunday, June 01, 2008

Late Popbitch email

Win the chance to sing live on stage at Glastonbury
and VIP tickets to the festival, with SingStar:
check this out at

“I think it's something a woman should do when
they're marrying a man. It's a tradition, and I
think it’s a great tradition” - Ashlee Simpson,
on becoming Ashlee Wentz.
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_| 29.05.08 ISSUE 399
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* Nice chopper: life after Airwolf
* Inside the Dragon's Den
* Charts: Rihanna is number one

>> Shalom Avram <<
Champions League prayer books

When Chelsea went one goal down in the Champions
League Final Avram Grant's absolutely gorgeous
children (who'd have thought?) got their
prayer books out and started praying to help
their dad for the rest of the game. The
last time they were seen doing that was
when they went 2-1 down to Spurs. So it
doesn't prove the football Gods are not Jewish.
But does prove they're not Chelsea fans.

From our source in Ritz-Carlton Moscow.
Nicest WAG Winner: Saloman Kalou's WAG.
Runner up: Mrs Avram Grant.

>> Ray's Way <<
Not exactly Nil By Mouth

Ray Winstone was overheard at Cannes talking
about filming Indiana Jones. He said he felt
like “a spare part at a wedding”.

Scotland Yard's knife crime expert...Deputy
Assistant Commissioner Alfred Hitchcock.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which popular young Brit TV actor has been
off our screens for a while as he's trying
to cope with a 600 quid-a-day booze, crack
and cocaine habit?

Paul Kaye's floppy-fringed, foul-mouthed, football
pundit Bob Boonah guested on Nike Live: The Cesc
Fabregas Show. See it at

>> Inside the Den <<
No peeing with the Dragons

Entrepreneur man writes:
“I was a contestant on Dragons Den. One of the
proper 15 minuters not the 10 second 'and also
appeared' losers! From first applying to be
on it, to filming, there was an eight month delay
so standing in front of them I (and others)
already knew my product was a total bag of shite,
and I was mid-way through collapsing the company.
When I was on I pulled a load of market stats
completely out of my arse about the major industry
I was targeting, and neither the dragons, the BBC,
or the five million audience ever realised -
gullible twats the lot of you!

“To stop anyone meeting the dragons before
filming you're not allowed to go for a wee
without the toilets being checked for any
sign of a dragon.

“The show got me 133,000 hits on my website,
and slightly less than 1 sale.”

Nick Cave Watch: spotted in a Mexican bar decorated
with skulls, in Westbourne Grove, London, Nick was
eating a tortilla with salad.

>> Poet Laureate Beckham <<
Everyone loves Simon Fuller

At the recent Music Manager Forum Awards,
Simon Fuller picked up a special gong.
Dozens of companies took out arselicky
adverts in the accompanying programme to
congratulate him.

Our favourite was the double-page spread
booked by David and Victoria Beckham. It
was branded with their family logo, dVb,
and came complete with a poem, which
Thick 'n' Thin no doubt wrote themselves;

“You are not only our manager
but our dear friend too
We can't think of anyone
more deserving of this award than you.”

Andy Abrahams got a round of applause when he got
on his flight back from Belgrade. Unlike “nil points”
Jemini, who everyone laughed at all the way back.

>> Nice chopper <<
Life after Airwolf

Ed Smith, one of the men featured in Channel
Five's documentary on blokes who have sex with
cars, says that his most intense sexual
experience was "making love" to the helicopter
from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

Following the cancellation of Airwolf, the
chopper became an air ambulance in Germany.
One day it crashed, killing all on board.
Perhaps it just couldn't live with the memory.

Jools Holland spotted in the pub talking about his
love of hare coursing.

>> The Russians are coming! <<
And they've got their safety helmets

Popbitch was appalled at the xenophobic
reporting of what turned out to be
a Eurovision of extraordinary high quality.

Here are some of the reasons why Russia
deserved to win:

1. Dima Bilan is a big star in Eastern Europe
(It would be like UK entering Amy Winehouse)
and his song and album were produced by Timbaland.

2. Dima's real name is Victor. His ex-manager
successfully took him to court to claim he
owned the name Dima Bilan, but giving hope to
slaves everywhere Dima just carried on!

3. Dima already has an attitude and entourage
to rival Mariah Carey. Watch him judging
a TV contest. What do you think he's been up to?

4. Nude pictures of Bilan appeared in Serbian
magazines last week, with claims he used to
be an escort. We love these:

5. While TV commentary sneered at the on-stage
ice skater's looks as “like Michael Flatley” he was,
in fact, Evgeny Plushenko, the current Olympic
Figure Skating Gold Medallist and three-time
World Champion. Evgeny was the first skater
ever to perform and land a quadruple toe
loop-triple toe loop-double loop jump combination
in competition.

6. The glossy video for Believe shows a dying
child brought back to life by the power of
Dima's vocals and Evgeny's salkos:

7. Dima's boyhood home town Naberezhnye Chelny,
was called Brezhnev when he lived there.

Dedication’s what you need! Break a world record and
win a trip to an envelope factory in Washington!”

>> Eurobits <<
Facts and figures

1. Gay fan fears
After navigating Belgrade Eurovision gays now have
to visit Moscow, where gay pride marches have been
brutally crushed.

2. Amusing thing to remember
If you are getting beaten up by Russia's
especially violent elite gay-bashing force
they have their organisation name on the
back of their uniforms. If you catch sight
of it in the mirror it spells “HOMO”.

3. East European bloc voting?
If only traditional Western European countries
had voted this year the UK would have been third
from bottom, rather than one of three with the
lowest points. Never mind resigning, Terry
Wogan should be sacked for his comments.

4. We're warming to Sarkozy
Not only did France have Sebastien Tellier
but their commentary was by Jean-Paul Gaultier.
Living in Brown's Britain just isn't any fun...

5. 10m people watched Eurovision on BBC1, far
out-ranking Britain's Got Talent. It's now the
biggest annual non-sporting global event.

6. Download the tracks:

There's a Only Fools And Horses Cafe in Belgrade.

>> Flying high <<
World's luckiest air traveller

A customs test at Japan's Narita airport last
week placed a quarter of a pound of cannabis
in a randomly chosen suitcase on its way to
the baggage hold.

Sniffer dogs failed to detect the cannabis and
the officer could not remember which bag he
had put it in. Anyone finding the package has
been asked to contact customs officials.

Cats cannot taste sugar.

>> Where's Yan Yan Chan? <<
Generals not down with the hip hop massive

While the UN are in cyclone-struck Burma, they
should check on the treatment of the country's
leading hip hop artists. Two members of hip hop
collective, ACID, are currently in jail. Zayar
Thaw was detained early this year in Rangoon's
notorious Insein Prison, which was the home
prior to house arrest of Aung San Suu Kyi. His
bandmate Yan Yan Chan was also arrested last
month but his whereabouts are still unknown.
Both are outspoken supporters of the Democracy
movement. Rapper G Tone was arrested for
showing a tattoo of prayer beads. He has been
banned from performing for a year.

Burmese cultural news:

Yan Yan Chan:

G Tone's tats:

Comic fans are having a collective nerdgasm about
fantasy superstar Neil Gaiman writing Dr Who for 2010.
(Neil once resigned from Today newspaper when asked
to write a story on Dungeons & Dragons converting
British children to Satanism.)

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Gak education, rhino, Foot Fist Way

In need of online porn of the fashion
variety? Get your SATC fix now.

We want to see this! The Foot Fist Way:

Upload your naughty home movies or check
out others who already have:

Great Weezer video. Dramatic
chipmunk is back! And so is K-Fed:

Still looking for Glastonbury tickets?
You win here if you can find the bull:

Kids these days:

Ever had a disappointing holiday abroad?
One popbitch reader has made a book about
them and wants you to tell all about your
worst experiences in this simple survey.

Bespoke, hand-printed tees for £25 online
and this evening only, 20% off all items in
our Newburgh Street shop!
Details: 0871 200 3351

World's rarest rhino. But she doesn't like
having her photo taken:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 1st June

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
Ne Yo Closer

++ Top Twenty
PAUL WELLER Have You Made Up Your Mind
ALPHABEAT Ten Thousand Nights
ZUTONS Always Right Behind You

>> End Bit <<
Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Web hosting by:

* Mail by aysabtu

* Can the label putting out the Eurovision 08 album
please send us some? (email

Thanks to: AM, SW, deep_stoat, cakeface, ulysses, NK
CS, AB, too_fat_to_skate, D, opus, mrothko, TL, GM,
popfaction, richjohnson, onthehushhush, party-B,

Old Jokes Home:
A teacher asks her class for a sentence using the
word contagious. Mary raises her hand and offers
"The German Measles are contagious". "Very good,"
says her teacher. Mark raises his hand and says
"the laughter was contagious".

"Very good Mark” says teacher, What about you Jim,
can you make a sentence?"

"My dad says that our neighbour is an idiot trying
to paint his whole house with a brush - it'll
take that cunt ages".

Still Bored:
“If Tony Hancock and Fred Dibnah met Bonnie and
Clyde, this book would be the result.” Probably.
I Fought the Law by Dan Kieran looks at Britain's
weirdest laws:

No comments: