Thursday, April 10, 2008

Gos Gos Goss

Britain's Next Top Model is back! It's all change on
the judging front, with an ex-supermodel and a "close
friend of Naomi Campbell" about to cast their eye on
the 14 new wannabe models. Expect fireworks...
Starts Monday 21st April 9pm only on LIVING:

"Our fans are between 25 and 35 now because they
were really young then. They're still very
attractive — and very legal... I know my wife's
going to be there every step of the way, but it's
still going to be fun." - Joey from NKOTB
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|_| |_| 10.04.08 ISSUE 393
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* Capuchin experiment is “shelved”
* Dodgy dictator gossip
* Charts: Estelle is number one

>> Gallows humour <<
Gaza City staff have some fun

Its been a year since BBC newsman Alan Johnston
was kidnapped in Gaza.

Receptionists at Al Deira hotel in Gaza City
now enjoy telling every western visitor that
they've been given "Mr Johnston's room".

Popbitch's favourite named new Iraqi militia:
Concerned Local Citizens.

>> Hostage to fortune<<
McCann you believe it?

On the day Shannon Matthews was found we were
told a leaked theory from the police we thought
was beyond the realms of possibility. Now it
looks weirdly more probable every day. The
theory was that Shannon's family had been
watching the coverage of the Maddie McCann
case and hatched a cunning plan to make
millions themselves. They'd hide Shannon -
stories about her wanting to run away would
make it plausible - and watch as celebrities
sent in huge donations to help find her. When
that didn't happen the less bright members of
the family came up with Plan B - call the
McCanns and ask for some of their cash.

FYI: Journalists attached to the case have been
gossiping that they think the Mum is addicted
to crisps. And possibly heroin.

With Carlamania hitting the media, it reminds us that
one of Carla's friends once told us that Ms Bruni's
party piece was to move her tits individually, and
would occasionally do a performance to music with them.

>> Big Questions <<
The blind items leading the blind

Which mayoral candidate used this chat-up
line on a Popbitch reader?
“I can only manage one affair per year.
And tonight, it could be you...”

Which combative, married TV personality always
flies Virgin Atlantic to the States. So far
he's slept with three first-class stewardesses.

Should The Apprentice be fired? Should Strictly Come
Dancing hang up their shoes? Vote for your favourite
show with the BAFTA Sky+ Programme of the Year on:

>> Capuchin project gets “shelved” <<
Internet rag in proper research shock

In 2005 we wrote a story that a police captain
in Mesa, Arizona had applied for a $100,000
grant to train a Capuchin monkey as a member of
his SWAT team. Sadly, the idea never came to
fruition. The authorities in Mesa gave us
an update this week.

“This monkey idea came from a guy who was
an electronic tech assigned to our team.
He is no longer assigned to our team and
the idea was created and ended with him.”

Dancing On Ice winner Suzanne Shaw once auditioned
in front of Bucks Fizz's Mike Nolan. His opinion: she
was no pop star but would be “fine for theatre”.

>> It's a dog eat dog world <<
This time it's not Gary Flitcroft

Premiership footballers have such a hard life
these days. They don't get the respect they
so obviously deserve in the media. Fans
rather unreasonably assume they should behave
like role models. Their beds haven't even had
time to go cold before their conquests have
told all to the tabloids. And now they can't
even trust each other. An ex-player is going
to be in court over claims he has been
blackmailing a defender over a sex tape.

With much speculation in the media about the
identity of The Stig on Top Gear, we're going
to give you a clue. He got married this year.

>> Geordie God <<
Help Sir Bobby Robson

Some football folk are lovely. Cancer
survivor Sir Bobby Robson set up a web campaign
to encourage people to join him in raising
money for Newcastle-upon-Tyne hospitals. So
far he's raised 155 grand! And he writes
back to thank donors.


Max Mosley needs a good publicist - maybe he
should try Rick Astley's PR... Natasha Nazi-Angileh.

>> Save a prayer <<
Andy Taylor is not dead

The internet is not the best place to try an
April Fool. A Duran Duran fan wrote a spoof
story that Andy Taylor had suffered a
heart attack in Ibiza. Word spread across
the net, and people eventually started
putting condolence messages on Andy's
daughter's MySpace page. 20 year-old
Georgia had lost her mobile phone charger
so couldn't call her Dad to check. Luckily
she finally emailed someone for news who
was able to point out it was 1st April.

FYI: Andy's autobiography Wild Boy comes out
this year.

Palestinian Territories goes retro-house!
The Original's I Luv You Baby is popular in Ramallah.

>> Long live the Block! <<
Boy-band heals sick, returns to help us

New Kids on the Block are back and not
before time. The world needs them. Back
when Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Jordan
and Jonathan Knight and Danny Wood
were megastars they were able to
heal the sick. At a New York concert, a
young autistic girl was attending with her
older siblings and mother. Suddenly she
snapped into lucidity, grabbed her mother
and said her first words “I want Joe.”

NKOTB - how they were:
To see Joey McIntyrne and the gang now:

“Man of the People” Prince Harry is in Barbados. He's
hanging out on a friend's yacht and watching polo.

>> TV times <<
Nice work if you can get it

john_lewis_partnership writes:
“New York last week saw the arrival of 13
painfully earnest 30-somethings from the BBC,
on a five day fact-finding tour of NYC's
trendiest agencies, digital shops and production
boutiques. It's reassuring to see our licence
fees going to good use - all bedding down at
the Hotel on Rivington.”(This week rates,
approx $525).

George Clooney and Matt Damon have been drinking
this week at royal-favourite drinking hole Mahiki.

>> Dodgy dictator theories <<
Old internet gossip recycled

Watching the news this week, we were reminded
of a post by Freudianskip in 2005:

"Robert Mugabe is going a bit loopy at the
moment... not due to senility but rather the
final brain-melting stages of syphilis. As a
previous consequence of this he and the late
Joshua Nkomo had large parts of their diseased
cocks amputated in the Seventies."

Can you throw a party as big as your ego? Go to to find out...

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Porn for the blind, Knut, George Bush

Major League baseball team Florida Marlins has
a plus-size all-male cheerleading squad, The
Manatees. Each member weighs between 225-435lb:

Good tit, bad tit? Keep abreast of the Best
Dressed Cleavages in the UK on

Discoo the Online Boutique is moving house so
we're clearing the decks.
We're offering a MASSIVE 40% off everything
Exclusive to Popbitch, enter code "moving"
at checkout.

Self-explanatory, but brilliant:

Knut makes sure he claims the headlines
back from Flocke by fishing out the live carp
from his moat and killing them in front of
zoo visitors:

You don't have to be a Hollywood star to
create your own sex tape scandal. Upload your
naughty home-movies and get paid every
time they're watched:

Hamas' Al-Aksa TV this week featured a child
puppet stabbing to death a George Bush puppet
It's deeply odd but mesmerising:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 13th April

++ Number One
ESTELLE American Boy

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty

BLACK KIDS I'm Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend
ELLIOT MINOR Parallel Worlds

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, Multistorey, pen-d,
john_lewis_partnership, Lord_Nelson, bobby, CS, LB,
theabominablehoman, poppadoodledoo, rt_hon_sir_
sydney_spatchcock, onthehushhush, J

Old Jokes Home:
A Pakistani husband and wife come out of the
divorce court. The woman starts crying. Her ex
puts his arm around her and says “Don't worry,
we're still cousins!”

Still Bored:
You don't have to go to Belgrade to get a taste of
Eurovision. Many of the acts are coming to London!
Hurrah! Meet Ukraine, Romania, Malta and more.
The Scala, Friday 25th April. You don't even have
to be gay to go. Book tickets here:

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