Thursday, March 27, 2008


"I'm friends with most cops in the city and they
told me the guy who got me isn't even liked by
his colleagues. He's a 400-pound fuck unfit
for duty." - Mickey Rourke
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|_| |_| 27.03.08 ISSUE 391
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* Tennant's Super
* Madonna for Malawi
* Charts: Estelle is number one

>> Curb your emissions <<
Larry David acts like Larry David

Larry David was married to high-profile
environmental activist Laurie David. She filed
for divorce in 2007. The first thing Larry did
when she left? Go around the whole house
turning on all the lights.

Princess Beatrice has just taken her PADI Open Water
qualification on Koh Tao, Thailand, at the beautiful
Ban's Diving Resort.

>> Kabbalah 4 Africa? <<
Madonna raises awareness for Malawi

Madonna has been making a documentary about
Malawi, I Am Because We Are. The film is a
serious attempt to raise awareness of this
impoverished country, in that Bono/Bob Geldof/
Richard Curtis kind of way, but some things
about it struck us as a little odd. After a
sensible look at the AIDS epidemic, the film
seems to suggest “thinking like victims” and
“drinking after work” are contributing factors
to Malawi ills. (Well, that's Britain fucked, then.)

And the new Spirituality For Kids schools are
heralded as one of the answers to their problems,
without any mention to the fact that they are
run by that other K word - Kabbalah. As that is
obviously the one thing missing from Africa.

Carla Sarkozy’s maiden name, Bruni Tedeschi
when translated in the most literal manner,
means “Brown German”.

>> Big Questions <<
What are people asking this week

One of this year's leading rugby union clubs
was enjoying another win in the bar of a
Westcountry hotel last week. Many of the players
got wildly drunk and started to annoy the
other residents by swiping people's drinks.
Other players just retired to a room for a
bonding Circle Jerk.

The BBC's Gaza correspondent, Aleem Maqbool, bought
his house in west London from one of Dick and Dom.

>> Tennant's super <<
Just what the Dr ordered

zookeeper's boy writes:
“I can confirm that David Tennant is indeed the
nicest man in the world. I work in a post-
production house and Tennant was recently in to
record a voice-over for a new documentary. He took
a break in the coffee bar, where he was approached
by a member of the sales team who works with
disadvantaged kids in his spare time. The man
explained that the kids were massive Dr Who fans.
Tennant then spent his break doing an improvised
skit in Dr Who character while being filmed on a
phone camera for these kids. Pure class.”

Popbitch's favourite New Zealand health official:
Canterbury District Health Board's alcohol and drug
services clinical head... Dr David Stoner.

>> Milkshaking <<
Not what Kelis had in mind

Americans are world leaders in many things.
Including horse doping, it seems, now they've
invented the Milkshake. This involves inserting
a tube up the horse's nostril, down into the
stomach and pumping in a solution made from
baking soda. It delays the build-up of
lactic acid in the horse's system and stops
it getting tired. You have to give your horse
its milkshake just before a race and can't be
detected afterwards, so random testing before
a race is the only way it can be spotted.
So far in Britain milkshaking is rare -
it's dangerous as you can misdirect the
baking soda into the lungs and drown the
horse - but in California last year 10% of
horses tested positive for a milkshake.

Viagra is 10 years old this week. Vince Neil spent
$15k on prostitutes when he started taking it, "So I
could try and come, because it just wouldn't happen".

>> Cruel crews <<
The Goldfrapp Scale

It's hard being a woman in the music business.
Keep quiet and you get walked on, speak your
mind and you're a bitch. Still, sound and
lighting technicians in the Bristol area
use one woman as a reference point for all
others. When faced with a new artist they ask:
“How difficult to work with is she on a
scale from 0 to Goldfrapp?”

Where are they now pt 1?: A member of Blazin' Squad
now works in the tape library at BBC TV centre.

>> The little and larges of pop <<
Who is weirdly sized to you this week

Enormous: Courtney Taylor-Taylor: Dandy Warhols

Taller than you'd think: Paul Young

Tiny men: Dizzee Rascal and Goldie

(More suggestions? email

What is it with celebrities and backward baby names?
Reese and Ryan had Deacon Joseph, now Caron Keating's
ex and TV presenter wife have Tilly Jennifer.

>> Drunk man of the week <<
New Zealand versus Scotland

1. An orchard worker in New Zealand called the
police to complain that he was being raped by a
wombat. While they sat there scratching their
heads the man, Arthur Cradock, called back to
say he was OK. "Apart from speaking Australian
now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told the
operator. Cradock was sentenced to community
service for the fiction. Even the police prosecutor
seemed more sad than angry, telling the court
“alcohol plays a large role in Cradock's life”.

2. In Scotland, 58 year-old David Bachelor has
been feeding the pigeons wearing only a thong.
A back-to-front thong. The sheriff fined him
ฃ150 and blamed it on alcohol. Bachelor said
it wasn't a sexual thing, “I was just feeding the
birds and if I was wanting to do that I would
just go down town and get a whore”.

England captain Rio Ferdinand was interviewed on Five
Live. He talked about how captain Gary Neville has
been injured at Man Utd this season, "Giggsy has
stepped in and taken up the mantelpiece".

>> Essex royalty <<
Teddy Sheringham goes shopping

loobylou writes:
“I was in a shop in Loughton, Essex. A man was
on his mobile telling his wife that he couldn't
get any nice snacks in there for nibbles, only
Golden Wonder as "it is Loughton after all.'

“A woman shelf stacker took offence at this,
tapped him on the shoulder and said, 'We had
Teddy Sheringham in here yesterday, I'll have
you know.'”

More doctor euphemisms. For when the patient was very
ill - CTD (circling the drain) or and TF Bundy
(Totally Fucked. But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet.)

>> Eurovision pt 2 <<
The puppet gets censored

Ireland's puppet entry Dustin the Turkey has been
censored! The lyrics of the song contain a list
of European countries, including Macedonia.
Someone made a formal complain to the European
Broadcasting Union (and everyone's fingers are
pointing at Greece) so Dustin has to use the
agreed wording “Former Yugoslav Republic of

Three more Eurovision 08 favourites:

1. Bulgaria - DJ Balthazar and Deep Zone.
90s style Euro house, old men, meaningless
lyrics, a release on Technotronic's old
Dutch label, Take Me Away sounds like a hit!

2. Turkey - Mor ve Otesi (aka Ultraviolet)
are a big-selling rock band. Deli is quality.

3. Sweden's 1999 winner Charlotte Perreli
(nee Nilssen) is back. Huge, if dated, Europop
track, an enormous key change (and possibly
some weird facial fillers/surgery?)

Abercrombie & Fitch are re-launching their iconic
limited edition A&F Quarterly exclusively in the UK.
The controversial, sexy publication features pics by
Bruce Weber. On sale at the London store for ฃ100,
Saturday 5th April at 10am.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Guantanamo pants, Carbon/Silicon, soul

Russia's scariest playgrounds:

Tony James and Mick Jones have created a new
supergroup, Carbon/Silicon. Their interview
at SXSW gets weirdly interrupted at 5mins 10secs:

Easter bunny didn't satisfy you? Get your own
rabbit and other goodies from the most luxurious
online adult shop at special Popbitch prices.
Bad bunny:

We brought you Sam Sparro's lovely Black and
Gold back in our first issue of 2008. It's
finally out - tune of the year so far:

Fancy seeing your butt in Guantanamo orange, but
not sure about the waterboarding? Bid for a
pair of Agent Provocateur/Reprieve “Fair trial
my arse” pants:

These nice fellas played at our charity cricket day
last year. And they've got a new single out:

One lady decides to get everything about one night
stands off her chest, in sordid detail:

The London Soul Project -"cheap as chips and
simple as fuck". Loud, funky, soul music:
Sat 29th March, 9pm til late. The Fulwood Bar,
Fullwood Place, High Holborn WC1V 6HZ

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 30th March

* Congrats Leona Lewis. First British female to top
the US charts since Kim Wilde in 1987.

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
SAM SPARRO Black & Gold
JAMES BLUNT Carry You Home
ALPHABEAT Fascination

>> End Bit <<
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Win a Gibson guitar plus guest list places to
the Hotel Cafe European tour.

Thanks to: AM, dollymixture, LT, SW, WB, C, B, NH,
JN, T, ED, danceswithmustelids, AS, SW,

Old Jokes Home:
A man in a shellsuit goes into a posh furriers.
He says to the shop assistant "I want a coat".

The shop assistant, barely concealing her
disdain, asks "What fur?"

The man replies "Fur ma girlfriend".

Still Bored:
Retro Grand National game. You're riding Bingo
Wings, of course. (We haven't yet managed to
come anything but last, sadly):

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