Saturday, March 01, 2008

Gossip Bitch

Still watching dirty movies on DVD?
Darling that's SO 2004:

“I’m 110% committed to this club and you can’t get
more committed than that" - Kevin Keegan
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|_| |_| 28.02.08 ISSUE 387
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* There's nothing quite like anal
* Slash fiction: when Bush met Chirac
* Charts: Duffy is number one

>> You know she's no good <<
“Rehab is for quitters” says Amy, probably

Amy Winehouse isn't subtle about her drug
taking even now. Recently in a London
private members' club she was so obvious
about it several girls were on their mobiles
in the toilets trying to sell the story to
the tabloids. Another guest overheard and
tried to warn Ms Winehouse. Her reward?
An elbow in the face as Amy didn't realise
she was trying to help.

TP writes: “I've been going commando for almost 25
years and my balls are absolutely not saggy (I can
provide independent verification). Shia LaBoeuf is,
what, 20? Not a chance he could be suffering effects."

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which Shameless TV actress was out shopping
in Manchester this week for underwear and
managed to greet fans who stopped to say
hello by turning to her friend and saying,
"I wish these people would fuck off out
of my face and leave me alone?"

Most interesting thing from the Brits - how much
more hair Will Young seemed to have compared
with the last time we saw him.

>> West down under <<
Kanye laughs at own name

Kanye West has been record shopping in Melbourne.
He and his entourage bought loads of CDs. As
he paid, Kanye chatted to the shop owners and
other shoppers. One of the guys behind the
counter introduced himself, “Hi, I'm Coombo”,
and told Kanye how much he liked his music.
Kanye was delighted but told the Aussie
that he thought he had a strange name.
Coombo replied, “But your name is Kanye!”
West thought for a moment, then burst out
laughing and agreed he did have a odd name.

Kanye was born in the year of the snake.
He's compatible with rabbits, dragons and roosters,
like Courtney Love, Blu Cantrell or Sharon Osbourne.

>> Say sorry to a star <<
There's nothing quite like anal

GA writes:
“I once had sex with a member of St Winifred’s
School Choir just because she had been a member
of St Winifred’s School Choir. And then told
everyone I knew about it and even sang
“There’s nothing quite like anal” to the tune
of There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma for a
while. Felt the need to share. And say sorry.”

FYI: St Winifred is the patron saint of payroll
and payroll clerks.

RIP advertising guru Paul Tilley. The man who came up
with the McDonald's “I'm Lovin' It” slogan commited
suicide. Obviously wasn't loving it enough, sadly.

>> Guantanamo Baywatch <<
Fidel plays second fiddle to the Hoff

I Love Hacksaw writes:
“I was in Cuba when Castro's resignation was
announced. The coverage was very low-key,
strangely. Most of the locals I talked to
are convinced Fidel is dead. He made no
appearance to hand over to Raul. The most
amusing thing I found was that the biggest
thing on Cuban TV is the first series of
Baywatch. Apparently someone goes abroad,
tapes the shows and then airs them (less-
than-legally) back in Cuba.”

TV chef James Martin has a large selection of flash
watches and always makes sure they get good
coverage when he's doing any filming.

>> Abs lives! <<
And we've got his phone number

The question on everyone's lips for months
has, of course, been “Where's Abs?” The
ex-star of 5ive had a brief solo career
but has been absent from our lives for
too long. You'll all be pleased to know that
Abs attended the Elle Style Awards this month,
and that his Surbiton Shizzle accent is even
more Ali G than ever. And his mobile phone
number ends in five 5s.

There is a funeral directors in Saskatoon, Canada
called "Mourning Glory".

>> Mini Pops <<
The little and larges of music

Weird heights of the popstars - who is bigger than
you think and who is weirdly undersized?

Futureheads - “Enormous”
Busted - “Tall - even the little rat-faced
one isn't short.”
James Blunt - “Tiny. Like a toy.”

(Know a surprisingly sized pop star?

911 are playing the Out of Africa Summer Ball at St
Hild and St Bede’s College, Durham University.

>> Slash fiction exposed <<
This is what gives the internet a bad name

Fan fiction has come along way. Straight boys
(fictional or real life) doing gay things
with each other has its own sub-genre -
Slash Fiction. Lucasfilms have banned Star
Wars fanfic from containing inappropriate
shagging between characters. And let's not
even go into Second life Slashfic...

Here's our Top of the Slash charts:

1. The boys from CSI:
"Thank you Nicky" Greg whispered, kissing
the side of Nick's neck. Nick hugged him
closer and whispered back; "If it's
important to you, it's important to me."

2. Morrissey and Franz Ferdinand:
“Alex was sure he shouldn’t be enjoying this
as much as he was. It felt amazing and had
been going on for what seemed to be an
incredible sweaty eternity.”

3. Lord of The Rings
All the male characters seem to get it on
but there are surprise hook-ups between
Orlando Bloom and Eric Bana...

4. George W Bush and Jacques Chirac
Jacques pouted. “I think you do not care.
I think you only care about the friendship
of your chum To-neee.”

Lenny Kravitz this week felt the need to let his
bass player go. It seems he was too fat.

>> Dusk - the last word <<
Something to beat the pub bore with tonight

Bet you always thought you knew what dusk
was. Well, there are three types of dusk.

1. Civil dusk. The sun is 6 degrees below
the horizon. Objects are distinguishable
and some stars and planets are visible
to the naked eye.
2. Nautical dusk. The sun is 12 degrees
below the horizon. Objects are no longer
distinguishable, and the horizon is no
longer visible to the naked eye.
3. Astronomical dusk. The sun is 18 degrees
below the horizon and no longer illuminates
the sky, and thus no longer interferes
with astronomical observations.

Need to gossip in hi-tec style? WIN a sexy new
phone - at

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Jermaine Jenas, naughty movies, goats

Look what happens when boys aren't allowed
to play with girls:

Get paid for doing something you love.
Upload your naughty home-videos and make
money every time they're watched:

Band with a very nice name:

Saleisha from America's Next Top Model
and Jermain Jenas. Separated at birth?

“Mummy when I grow up I want to be in
Homeland Security”:

Have you ever taken off your wedding
ring to appear as if you are single?

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 2nd March

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
ADELE Chasing Pavements
H TWO O FT. PLATNUM What's It Gonna Be

++ Top Twenty
THE FEELING I Though It Was Over

>> End Bit <<
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* Forgotten Mother's Day? You lazy buggers could at
least get your mum a teddy - and there's even
5% discount:

Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, DM, SW, lovelight,

Old Scottish Jokes Home:
A man walks into a Glasgow library and says
to the librarian, "Excuse me Miss, do ye huv
any books on suicide?"

The librarian looks up and says,
"Fuck off! Ye'll no bring it back!"

Still Bored:
Fact of the week - Boy George
lives on Ravey St:

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