Thursday, March 06, 2008


James Cracknell is travelling from Dover to
Morocco to raise money for Sport Relief using
only a bike and a Nokia N82. He now has a painful
bum-blister. Watch his progress:

"I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want
to do what she does.” Alison (sister of LiLo) Lohan
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|_| |_| 06.02.08 ISSUE 388
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* A big hand for Hucknall
* Barack Obama v Stephen King
* Charts: Duffy is still number one

>> Naomi and Hyde <<
From kitten to tiger in 10 seconds

As Naomi Campbell recovers from her mystery
operation in Brazil we remember her in better
times. A helicopter pilot tells us of the
occasion he picked her up for a lunch date in
France. He called to tell her that 11am was
the last possible departure, or the restaurant
would close. She arrived at 12.30pm but was so
beguiling the pilot and her date, a Gulf royal,
were disarmed. When they reached the restaurant
they found it closing up. Naomi transformed
from sweet kitten to snarling hate-beast until
the staff relented and let them eat. Ms Campbell
instantly went back to being her former charming
self, leaving prince and captain somewhat scared.

Overheard this week in the Hayward Gallery gift shop
- a customer complaining to staff that they'd just
stood in a turd. A human turd.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

This soap star enjoyed his time in panto
this winter more than his wife knows.
He's been carrying on with a dancer
half his age while she's been diligently
trying to resurrect her career on TV.

Did Halle Berry really work as a secretary
at the Daily Express briefly in the late 80s?

Everyone bitches about the NHS, Londoners can
have a pop at it, or big it up, here:

>> Gordon Bennett!<<
Big Brother Pete can't find Radio 1

Pete Bennett, the sweary charmer off Big
Brother, tries to launch a pop career this
month, releasing the Guy Chambers penned
track, Cosmonaut. Earlier this week Pete was
seen standing outside a building in Great
Tichfield St, London, dressed in a spaceman
outfit, waving a placard and shouting through
a megaphone for Radio 1 to play his single.
Until somebody came out of the media agency
he was shouting outside and told him that
he'd got the wrong building. Radio 1 was
the next street over. He walked off quietly.

Watch video:

Guantanamo Bay Military Base has a McDonalds, KFC,
Pizza Hut, Starbucks and a Subway. Happy Meals have
been offered to detainees if they co-operate.

>> Thatched housing <<
Minister's friends tell hair-raising tales

A friend of Housing Minister Caroline Flint
claims that when she was a Students' Union
leader at University of East Anglia she did
the popular lefty women's thing at the time
and kept her pubic hair au natural. Such was
the density of her lower thatch, which can
be imagined from the luxuriant black barnet
on her head, and given the location of her
choice of tertiary education, she was known
as "Thetford Forest".

Before the movie Juno, the claim to fame of Juneau,
Alaska was that last year the town lost power
when a bald eagle carrying a deer head crashed
into a power transmission system.

>> Now then, now then <<
Tales of a family entertainer

Fishman writes:
“A friend of mine works with a chap who
used to DJ at the Twisted Wheel club in the
60s and was Jimmy Savile's right hand man
for a while. Ordinarily, he's a bit reticent
about JS, but did say 'There's few people
I'd take death threats from seriously,
but Jimmy Savile is one of them'."

A new batch of Kerry Katona porn videos are around.
Don't expect them to see them, though. Max Clifford
would like to think he's scared everyone off but we
hear from a viewer, “Aagh, my eyes! It'll blind you!”

>> Life imitating art <<
Was Obama dreamed up by Stephen King?

Barack Obama is being presented as a totally
new political icon. But hang on, haven't we
seen him somewhere before?

* Greg Stillson is the American politician
in the Dead Zone played, in David Cronenberg's
movie adaptation, by famous Democrat Martin Sheen.
* Democratic candidate Barack Obama has said
he thinks Will Smith should play him in a movie.

* Stillson - comes from nowhere but gains
national attention for his unconventional
approach and woos huge numbers to his rallies.
* Obama - comes from nowhere but gains national
attention for his unconventional approach and
woos huge numbers to his rallies

* Stillson - makes bizarre campaign promises,
such as sending air pollution into outer
space in plastic bags.
* Obama - makes bizarre campaign promises,
like changing America.

* Stillson - scares psychic Christopher Walken
who learns he starts a nuclear world war by
making the First Strike.
* Obama - has said he would be prepared to
make a First Strike against a country such
as Pakistan.

* Stillson - loses popularity by using a
baby as a shield against a sniper.
* Obama - kisses babies. Oh.

* Martin Sheen went on to play the lovely
President in The West Wing.
* Obama went on to...

Least rock and roll rider of the year in London so
far? DJ Cash Money: spring water, ice and four
plastic cups.

>> A big hand for Hucknall <<
The shocking thumbs of ginger crooner

R writes:
“While working for Channel V in Hong Kong I
set up an interview with Mick Hucknall. We
weren't allowed access to the interview
room (his suite) for four hours as he had been
busily entertaining two lovely ladies and
when we were there he just lazed around in
a dirty bathrobe for the entire time. But
when we started checking shots in the monitor
it became apparent that his fingers and,
weirdly, his thumbs were, HUGE. When he put
his hands on his knees the thumbs practically
wrapped themselves around his kneecaps. Perhaps
this solves the mystery as to why he's always
been so popular with the ladies?”

Doctors euphemism for slightly crazy or odd patients:
NFN. Which stands for “Normal for Norfolk”.

>> Canada goosed <<
Mad as a Marsden

The tawdry break-up on Wikipedia of its founder
Jimmy Wales with Canadian conservative loon
Rachel Marsden has caused nudge-nudge amusement
across the media. In reality, you have to be
a bit scared for Jimmy:

1. In mid-90s Rachel got her university swimming
coach sacked for sexually harrassing her. Except
she had in fact been stalking him, vandalised
his car, left condoms all over his driveway and
bought a voice-altering machine to leave multiple
phone messages for him. He was exonerated.

2. Another university professor told police she
was stalking him

3. Was found guilty of criminally harrassing a
Canadian radio host in 2004

4. Tried to get into conservative politics but
it was found she had made up much of her CV.

5. Fox News, however, hired her as a pundit on
discussion show Red Eye. She illuminated TV with
insights such as - on the Bob Woolmer case -
"Maybe [Pakistani cricket fans] should focus less
on cricket and a little more on hygiene.”

6. Her behaviour scared even Fox, and she was
eventually escorted out and off air. She then
told Gawker she might be stalking Red Eye
host Greg Gutfeld.

Glasgow Airport's baggage/terrorist handling hero
John Smeaton is a new Scottish Sun columnist.
On 120 quid a week.

>> Idol chatter <<
More American pop wannabes

The American Idol juggernaut is still going.
Even in series seven, there are still some
interesting contestants. David Hernandez has
been outed as a former gay stripper. Danny
Noriega is described as “Jessica Alba in
boy-band drag”, and Carly Smithson admitted
she'd had a previous record deal, but that
her record company “imploded”.

Back in 2000 she did release an album,
under the name Carly Hennessy, with However, it
was with big-hitters MCA Records, who sunk
more than $2m on the record. Sadly according
to Wall Street Journal, it sold 378 copies that
year. And who coincidentally was at MCA asA&R
vice president then? Step forward American
Idol judge, Mr Randy Jackson.

See contestants:

Deidre writes: “RIP Carl (brother of Glenn) Hoddle.
Glenn once got me and my mates thrown out of his
favourite pub in Harlow because we were Arsenal fans.”

>> Losing the thread <<
Something to beat the pub bore with 2

KD_in_Vietnam writes:
“Following on from your item on dusk. In the
Muslim world there is a need to tell when
it's sunrise and sunset, for the prayer times.
This ancient art is achieved by looking at
a black thread and a white thread. When you
can tell the difference, it's sunrise, when
you no longer can, it's sunset. No
batteries required.”

You can now book David Gest to DJ and electro-house
set for your party. (or watch him jump about by
the decks near the pre-mixed CD/ipod...)

>> The Tobacco Monologues <<
Minnesota smokers steal a craft fag

Smokers in Minnesota are dodging the new
smokin ban by exploiting a loophole that
exempts theatrical performances. Bar patrons
have been puffing away in costume or making
conversation, classed as "extended improv".
Productions include "The Tobacco Monologues"
and "Before the Ban", for which performers
are "required to dress as they did before
the ban", which started on 1st October.

Tired of the 4 day festivals?
Try a 24 hour musical picnic:

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Lenny Kravitz, Sparks, Garfield

Lenny Kravitz has made a video for a refuse
collector in New Orleans. Sydney Torres used
to be Lenny's p.a.:

Do you want to sponsor Sparks to play
21 albums in London in 21 nights?

Beautiful tailored shirts for walking
and pulling, Wesley:

And the winner of the Gayest Song Of All
Time contest is...

The cat doesn't stay in the picture:

Last year saw 54,000 fewer adults deciding
to take out gym membership. Join them:

Sexy baked beans? (*ad*)

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 9th March

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
ONE REPUBLIC Stop and Stare
TAJO CRUZ Come On Girl
WESTLIFE Us Against The Worlds
ALPHABEAT Fascination

++ Top Twenty
UTAH SAINTS Something Good 08

++ Top Forty
BRITNEY SPEARS Pieces Of Me Remixes
LEONA LEWIS Better In Time
FUTUREHEADS Beginning Of The Twist

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, dollymixture, LT, SW, WB, LT, DM, SW,
theabominablehoman, celtiagirl, enigma, honk, deidre,
spudbunny, deep_stoat, billy_squier, bobbifleckmann,
OB, RS, fatlimey, fishman,

Old Scottish Jokes Home 2:
A man walks into a bakery, points and
asks the girl behind the counter

"Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

"No, you're right, it's a macaroon."

Still Bored:
A history of American warfare, as acted out
by food. Genius:

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