Thursday, January 17, 2008

Popobitch


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A Banksy sold for over £200,000 this week on eBay.
Click here to see who you should be buying now
instead of leaving it too late:
http://www.heliumfoundation.com
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“In the future, I will refrain from discussing my
private life in interviews. It will be expressed
solely through art” - Britney.

“Kevin is his own man and will make his own
decisions. But it is my club...” - Alan Shearer
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POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 17.01.08 ISSUE 381
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com

* Don't lick Rhodri's bread
* Top of the Cots - January
* Charts: Basshunter is still number one
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>> Mind the Gap <<
Madonna's children are nice

Madonna and family spent New Year in India.
For some no doubt clever celeb reasons
she and Guy sometimes travelled separately
from the kids. While many parents would love
to divest themselves of their screaming brats
on flights, fellow passengers said the little
Ritchies were impeccably behaved. The three
kids, plus nanny and bodyguard type, waited
quietly at Udaipur airport for a flight to
Mumbai. “Lourdes was, we're told, “beautiful
and just read a book”. Rocco and David
were “quiet and in full chav chic,
sporting Gap hoodies”.


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Sources in Kabul claim the Serena hotel was hit
for the second time yesterday but that there is
a news blackout on it.
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>> Rhodri's bread woes <<
Another Welsh MP goes dogging

P writes:
“I saw Wales’ First Minister, Rhodri Morgan, at
Riverside Food Market, Cardiff. He was telling
the owner of a dog who’d just put its head in
his bag of groceries, “I don’t think it’s
right that you let your dog go round licking
people’s bread.”


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The BBC News reporter on board the Greenpeace vessel
chasing the Japanese whaling flotilla in Antarctic
waters is called Jonah Fisher.
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>> Big Questions <<
Who is reaching for the cock this week?

This ex-pop star proudly showed off mobile
video footage to his mates of his then
girlfriend, a fallen teen pop idol,
giving him a blowjob while singing one of
her classic pop songs?

Which royal hanger-on has been overheard
making a lurid claim about a female royal,
stables, a rather fine stallion and an
enthusiastic hand-job?


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Jin the otter, who evaded capture for 26 days after
breaking out of Auckland zoo, has a new home in
Wellington Zoo with her partner Jala.
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>> Voodoo vile <<
Oops did we do it again?

In 2000 we carried a story from a voodoo
expert, Ruben Cardenas, who said that
celebrity dolls could be used to generate
curses. But Cardenas claimed that celebrities
with doll merchandise, like Britney and
Christina, would be safe as it's really hard
to become a voodoo priest. Maybe he was wrong.

Cardenas is right that it's not easy. You
have to go to Haiti and persuade a Houngan
(head priest) to teach you. He makes you
take a purifying bath, fast, and wear dried
palm fronds as protection against evil
spirits. Then you have to lie down for a
few days, have a head-washing ceremony
and finally face "trial by fire". You're
then "reborn", and wear white, with a
palm-leaf mask. At this point you would
be able to control Britney's mind and body
using her dolls, some pins, and a blow-torch.

So the question is, which one of you is it?
And don't you think it's time to put down
the pins and the Britney doll?


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The insider diagnosis on Brit: crystal meth-induced
mental breakdown. Can't she just be sectioned now
for her own safety? We don't want to lose her.
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>> Atomic Giraffe <<
Better than a human shield

All through the Cold War, our survival
was largely in the hands of the
North American Aerospace Defense Command,
who continually monitored the skies for
nuclear threats. NORAD's base, Cheyenne
Mountain, Colorado, was - and probably
still is - the world's number one nuclear
target. So you'd think Cheyenne Mountain
would be deserted and remote. It's not.
It hosts a zoo, which has the largest
collection of giraffes in the world, to
whom you can feed special “giraffe crackers”.
There are also hippos, tigers, a special
Primate World, a copy of the Rift Valley,
wolves and meercats.

Let's hope Osama and Amadinejad also have a soft
spot for our long-necked friends...

Where's Osama? Keep an eye out with the Giraffecam:
http://www.cmzoo.org/


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Bill Clinton likes granola for breakfast.
Hillary prefers eggs.
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>> How to get through January <<
Surviving winter with style - part 1

1. Listen to Sam Sparro's Black & Gold -
it's like mainlining sunlight:
http://www.myspace.com/samsparro

2. Enjoy The Levellers 20th Anniversary
promo video:
http://www.youtube.com/yomummah

3. Scorn your overdraft by drinking only
Delas Freres Le Clos 2003 Crozes-Hermitage:
http://www.delas.com/

4. The monster movie is back!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NfTWm1nCgLc

5. Plan a pilgrimage to Mercury's Bar,
Zanzibar, where Freddie was born. Mail
Hassan at jojobatours@yahoo.com who will
sort you a perfect trip to this paradise:
http://www.popbitch.com/pictures/IMG_2583.JPG

6. Get a giant rabbit:
http://www.giantrabbitrescue.co.uk

7. We know you're dying to see Juno. The film
is released 8th Feb, but we have some special
screenings. (You'll need this code 428714)
http://www.seefilmfirst.com/


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The official slogan of Euro 2008 is Keiner Wankt.
(Which means no-one is giving up.)
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>> Boner M <<
Wet girl in the ring

plastiktom writes:
“A mate of mine went to a Boney M gig a
while ago with a friend of hers from
Australia. After the show the band went
up to the VIP area and one of their dancers
spotted the Aussie lass. They chatted and
went off for a dance. After 10 minutes she
came back and my friend noticed what could
only be a huge cum stain on her back.”


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Q: Why are the Taleban bad business for hotels?
A: When they leave they take the rest of the
guests with them.
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>> Top of the cots <<
And whos got the Baby Asbo?

This month's alpha babies:
1. Suri "L Ron" Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Kingston Stefani-Rossdale
4. Violet Affleck (recently voted
cutest celebrity baby)
5. Baby David (Ritchie)
Bubbling under: Kidman spawn.

Also Ran:
1. Cruz Beckham
2. Max Aguilera
3. Apple & Moses Martin
4. Valentina Hayek-Pinnault
5. Olive Baron-Cohen-Fisher

Basbos:
1. Jayden James
2. Sean Preston
3. Heidi Katona-Croft
4. Junior & Princess Andre

Alpha or Basbo - vote for who is top of the cots
in February: email hello@popbitch.com.


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A haddock's mating call starts as a slow knocking
sound, before turning into a quicker hum similar to
a small motorcycle revving its engine.
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>> Music industry meltdown <<
Hands up if you want an answer

The EMI soap opera rolls on. Our favourite
legend so far is that Guy Hands, after his
initial introduction to how the music business
works, looked up and asked, “So these bands
who don't make us any money... when do they
pay back their advances?”

One of EMI's artists, Robbie Williams,
signed a 80m pound deal in 2002, announcing
“I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!”.
Sadly things haven't quite gone to plan.
“EMI is understood to have more than a
million unsold copies of Robbie Williams'
Rudebox album which it will send to China
to be crushed up and used in road surfacing
and street lighting" (Guardian, 16th Jan)

FYI: Betting on the Brits? Get the odds, analysis
and a free £25 bet:
http://www.popbet.com


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London scenesters wonder if Isaac Blake, currently
taking his kids TV show ex-employer to court over
unfair dismissal, used to be a glamour model
and escort named Zack Summers?
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>> Tomfoolery <<
Sweaty crotch advertising takes off

The ad campaign for Tom Ford's new fragrance
for men hits new heights of art-wank. So
one web designer has posted his riposte.
It's brilliant.

Perhaps the fashion world hasn't quite
got its head round the idea of a piss-take,
as a new “designer hair fragrance” liked it
so much they're trying to commission
this guy for their ad campaign.

The original:
http://www.tomford.com/en/

The new version:
http://www.vannen.com/fragrance/


******************************************************
Get inspired, design a cutting edge vibrant piece of
art for Brahma beer, impress Stella Vine and chums,
then take home £5000 in your pocket Easy? Enter:
http:///www.vistobrahma.com
******************************************************


>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Sex tapes, bored horses, nice panda

This week is the 50th anniversary of the Smurfs.
And a good time to ponder why there's only been
three female smurfs, but more than 100 males...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080114/ap_en_ot/belgium_smurfs_turn50

Tired of waiting for someone to “steal” your sex
tape and make you a star? Upload it and get paid
every time it's watched
http://www.watchme.com

What to get your bored horse (if there are
no game royals around):
http://horseballs.com/products/products.html

You may have missed it because it was just in G2 but
here's an interesting article on Facebook (if
you avoid the uber-pompous last paragraph):
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/jan/14/facebook

Do you like darts so much you'd give up your
job to play? This bloke did:
http://www.justinirwin.com/

This panda rocks:
http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2007/12/27


>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 20th January

++ Number One
BASSHUNTER Now You're Gone

++ Top Ten
ADELE Chasing Pavements

++ Top Twenty
ROBYN Be Mine
MADNESS NW5
COURTEENERS What Took You So Long
WOMBATS Moving To NY


>> End Bit <<
Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:
hello@popbitch.com

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* Popbitch would like to say Get Well Soon to two
lovely popbitchers - Paul Arnold and Joshua Cilento.
And RIP Tony Mills, who brightened up our
teenage years. And we're very sad to have lost a
lovely contributor: Jo Cavanagh - her enthusiasm
for music will be much missed at PB towers.


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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, pauline, AC, SC, CF, A, ST, C
T from Vilnius, ST, PM, LB, ourmaninbaghdad, party_b,
*****************************************************


Old Jokes Home:
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
have sex with it again and then burn it," said
the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist
said: "Meow."

Still Bored:
Brilliant Lithuanian pop band loves otters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0QAQXB2r6I&e

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