Friday, November 09, 2007

There's A Carrot In My Pocket

"For good classic Indian takeaways I like
The Gaylord on the Isle of Dogs - I never
forget the name" - Enrique Iglesias

"I used to write for Ant and Dec. Before
they were good" - David Walliams
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|_| |_| 08.11.07 ISSUE 374
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* Anna Nicole Smith's anus
* How music promotion works
* Charts: Leona Lewis still number one

>> Is that a carrot in your pocket? <<
Driving instructor with dodgy orange todger

Stephen Cooney is a Teesside driving instructor
with a difference. He keeps a 12-inch carrot
in his trousers. Stephen liked to encourage
his female learner drivers by telling them
their driving has been so good it has given
him an erection. At which point he'd point
to the carrot in his pants. 51 year-old Mr
Cooney also kept a selection of photos of his
penis in his glove compartment. Why? He'd been
given a digital camera and "was trying
close-up photography". Of his erect penis.

Mr Cooney is currently appearing in court on
indecent assault charges and hoping that the
jury buys his explanation. However, as the
prosecutor said, "When you go to a driving
instructor you may expect he would carry a
copy of the Highway Code. You would not expect
a driving instructor to drive around with a
12-inch carrot down his trousers pretending he
had an erection..." He may have a point.

Jennifer Lopez confirms her pregnancy - 7th October.
Popbitch brought you the news - 30th August.
You heard it here first.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Can anyone tell us if it is in his contract that
Nigel Barker of America's Next Top Model has
to be referred to as "noted fashion photographer"?

Did Alan Yentob have to resort to fake noddies
in Imagine because Bruce Nauman told producers
he refused to be interviewed by "that little
shit" Yentob?

A Lib Dem MP could bring his party's name
into disrepute. He's having an affair and
there's not a rent boy or dead dog in sight.
Just one attractive woman. (Only snag is the
politician and the lady are both married,
but not to each other.)

Oops she did it again - track 10 on the new Britney
album has a sample of Gary Glitter's Rock And Roll.

>> Paranoid label androids <<
How music promotion works - part 1

Radiohead dispatch their new album In
Rainbows, on 10th December. Coincidentally
an expensive box set and USB stick of all
six of their previous albums is being
released on the same day by EMI. Of course,
this has nothing to do with Radiohead's
decision not to re-sign with EMI at the end of
their contract. The label wouldn't be running
a spoiler against the band just because they
went out on their own, would they?

Jimmy Somerville says on Gaydar that he likes
having sex with men in suits. They have to wear a
double cuff shirt, preferably pink, and cufflinks.

>> Simon says <<
Bands hate manager shock!

Music industry legend Simon Napier-Bell was
approached by the BBC with a view to making a
programme about his life.

Napier-Bell said "of course", but pointed out
that they'd have a hard job as he'd fallen out
with every act he managed. So if they tried to
interview members of Wham, Japan, Ultravox, etc.
they'd probably say nothing except that he
was a cock. And it turned out he was right.

Pop warzones - four people were shot dead last
Saturday at a Carl Cox gig in Caracas, Venezuela. In
Liverpool, European Capital of Culture 2008, Soulwax
were assaulted live on stage by bouncers at Nation.

>> Wire gives support to bras <<
How music promotion works - part 2

Wire have received a nice paycheck thanks to
I Don't Understand being used on a recent
Victoria's Secret advert. And how did that
come about? Someone at the lingerie company's
advertising agency was trying to download an
episode of The Wire TV series from a file-sharing
site, but accidentally ended up with Wire's
Read & Burn 01 album.

Karl Lagerfeld has eight people travelling the world
filling iPods with music to inspire him.

>> Tit for tats <<
The facts about Anna

Poor Anna Nicole Smith. Dead aged 39 and
now dismissed in her autopsy as having an
"unremarkable anus". And here, at last,
is a definitive list of her tattoos:

* Pair of red lips in the right lower
abdominal quadrant.
* Two red cherries on the right mid-pelvis.
* A "Playboy Bunny" on the left anterior
* The words "Daniel" and "Papas" on the mid-
anterior pelvis region.
* Mixed tattoo on the right lower leg and
ankle representing Christ's head; Our Lady
of Guadalupe; the Holy Bible; the naked
torso of a woman; the smiling face of Marilyn
Monroe; a cross; a heart and shooting flames.
* A mermaid on a flower bed with a pair of
lips underneath it laying across the
lower back.

A taxi driver says the nicest people he's had in the
back of his cab - Maureen Lipman and Michael Praed.
The nastiest - Jim Davidson, Leslie Joseph and Chico.

>> Star-fucker <<
How music promotion works - part 3

Indie also-rans Boy Kill Boy have enjoyed some
surprisingly good coverage in the Daily Star.
Well, the band's singer and the tabloid's music
correspondent have been getting rather
friendly. That's one way to get (a)head
in the business...

Asbestos Andy on suicide watch by Sunday?
Free £10 bet on the next X Factor elimination:

>> Duran are back <<
They say the neon lights are bright...

Duran Duran are preparing for the release of new
album Red Carpet Massacre this month with 10 live
shows on Broadway. After the disappointment of
their Fan Club show a few months ago it's great
to hear that they are back on form. Fans are
raving about their cover of The Normal's Warm
Leatherette, a remixed clubby version of Skin
Trade and new song Skin Divers, a collaboration
with Timbaland. We're a little nervous about
Zoom In - which is apparently about Second Life
- but the song they did with Justin Timberlake,
Nite Runner, is really rather good.


Popbitch's favourite scouse dentist - Mr Chu,
of Rodney St, Liverpool.

>> Vinyl destination <<
Monster Raving Loony lives on

Wild Willi Beckett was the Monster Raving
Loony party's Mental Health spokesman until he
died earlier this year. Willi was also
lead singer in a strange rock band, The
Psychosurgeons. Last weekend, his bandmates
released a special limited edition green
vinyl 7" single to friends and family
which had Willi's ashes pressed into the
vinyl. Making him probably Britain's most
useful MP this week.


Get down to the Woolpack for Emmerdale Bingo:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Broccoli, Mcfly's pubes, California buses

Talking cats:

Hamster's first broccoli:

PKR, where online poker meets Grand Theft Auto, by
the bike sheds, after school. Play now, for free.

McFly set fire to their pubes:

Heather, Amy, Harry, Dawkins, Pies and
Arsenal - all at TShirts365:,17571,1,00.html?aff=82

Who needs porn DVDs any more? It's
what the internet was invented for:

Rod Stewart has a dirty little secret:

Swedish star Pelle Carlberg's rather cute
acoustic cover of Grace Kelly:

California has the South County Area
Transit bus service:

Smash up the web with rock! Led Zeppelin return:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 12th Nov

This week's chart has been helpfully organised
according to age, starting with the youngest.
Except Elvis who is, of course, dead. Probably.
And Kylie, but she still looks young.

++ Number One
LEONA LEWIS Bleeding Love

++ Top Ten
CRAIG DAVID Hot Stuff (Let's Dance)

++ Top Twenty
KYLIE 2 Hearts

++ Top Forty
SPICE GIRLS Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)
WET WET WET Too Many People

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, LT, honk,
realsausage, S - whats the point - T,
bobbifleckmann, celtiagirl, kev, SG, grev

And Milk & Honey:


Old Pets Jokes Home:
* I discovered my dog has turned into a bit of
a locksmith. I stuck a poker up his arse and
he made a bolt for the door.

* A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van
full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Still Bored:
Bryan Adams does disco:

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