Thursday, October 25, 2007

Cut and paste gossip

"Metal is unique just because of its power,
its volume... There's just something primordial
about it. You look at the mosh pit and it looks
extremely violent and it's not really. It's
just very tribal." - Rob Halford
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|_| |_| 26.10.07 ISSUE 371
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* Ginger whinger splits with self
* Jim Davidson's golden tie-pin
* Charts: Leona Lewis still number one

>> Gaunty thinks of the children <<
The Sun writes to celebrity sex offender

Jonathan King, described as a “Pop Beast” on
the front page of the Sun when he was convicted
of sexually abusing underage boys, recently wrote
to the paper’s columnist John Gaunt to take
issue with his homophobic comments.

He received the following reply:

“As you’ve written in to me – either to comment
on things I’ve talked about on the radio, or
after being wound up after what I’ve said in the
Sun, I thought you’d be interested to know that
my autobiography, Undaunted, is out now... all
you have to do is go to my official website and click on the “Buy Now”
button. You will be able to find it at half
price! While you’re there, remember to add to your favourites as it will be
launched in full when I get back from Tenerife.”

He signed off: “Thanks and remember if you’ve
got kids, give them a kiss, give them a hug,
and don’t forget to tell them that YOU love

King's astonished response?
"My own or someone else's?"

There is a dry cleaners next to Staines station
called Stains.

>> Dude looks like a lady <<
Tyler dons crocs to fly incognito

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith was at LAX getting
on a budget flight to Reno. He was wearing
beige Crocs, revealing toe nails painted dark
red. When the security guard recognised him as
a celebrity and asked his name, he cackled
manically and claimed to be Mick Jagger.

So Roger Alton is to depart The Observer, having
fallen out with bosses of sister paper The Guardian,
who consider him too right wing. What did they expect
from someone who used to date Carol Thatcher?

>> Something sticky for afters? <<
Partridge knows how to impress the ladies

Steve Coogan was spotted enjoying dinner at
Hotel du Vin with a lovely young lady. She
asked to order pudding, but Steve's reply was
"I dont think we'll be needing dessert".
Lucky girl. (Or perhaps he thought she was
too fat?)

DJ Alex Zane invited his mates round to his flat
after the XFM Big Night Out. They did impressions
of the dog off the Churchill Insurance adverts
on his balcony for hours.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Producers of which UK Seven Up-style documentary
series are delighted at the prospect that one
of their child subjects is showing every sign
of growing up to be a Jihadist?

Which ex-soap star at the launch of his new
panto pointed at a Muslim woman in a hijab
and told a co-star, "See that girl over there
I'd like to tie her up with her headscarf
and fuck her senseless".

Hilary Swank checks into hotels under the name
Leslie Schevendecker.

>> Parental Advisory <<
The McCanns cry on demand

Could these two pieces of McCann coverage
be in any way related?

"A waiter at the resort said: ‘I thought that
everybody else in the group seemed more
stressed, upset and bothered than the parents.
I never saw them cry or anything.’”
– Sun, 24 October

"Kate McCann broke down in tears during her
first televised interview since she was named
as a suspect in her daughter's
disappearance." – Sun, 25 October

We all know the Governor of Idaho, Butch Otter. But
did you know his first wife... was called Gay Otter?

>> Nick nick lunatic <<
Davidson rewards cancerous fan with tie-pin

Teresa Young, from Cardiff, has seen Jim
Davidson's stand-up show 296 times in 28 years.
"He's the best comedian in the world," she told
the South Wales Echo. "I also think he's the
best singer in the world. In fact, he's the best
entertainer and the most loving, caring guy I
have ever met."

When Teresa was diagnosed with facial skin
cancer in 2002, Davidson sent her a gold tie-pin.

Are you fast enough for Dizzee Rascal? Prove it at
Crystal Palace Park tomorrow 18:30-20:30 for
Nike+ Supersonic tickets.

>> Something got me finished <<
Ginger whinger splits with self

So Mick Hucknall has decided that "25
years is enough" of Simply Red, and they will
"disband after their tour in 2009".
The other members of the band (pictured)
must be just devastated.

John Cleese has had a species of lemur, Avahi
Cleesei, named after him.

>> Monkey love with Servalan <<
Actress eschews Servals for Vervets

Thanks to the hundreds of readers who wrote to
tell us the big cat we featured last week was
an Asian Fishing Cat.

This week's big cat is Macchuie, the hand-reared
Serval. Growing up in Aberdeen alongside several
Bengals raised from the stock of Popbitch’s
favourite cat breeder, Lord Esmond Gay.

And what of his near-namesake Servalan, aka
Jacqueline Pearce from Blake's Seven? She’s moved
to South Africa after having her "heart and
spirit captured" by Felix, an orphaned Vervet
monkey. "There is something about Felix. She
makes me laugh just thinking about her. Her
tenacity in the pursuit of what she wants;
she's the smallest of the babies, but so large
in personality, so huge in spirit and courage
that she dominates, rivets the attention,
shines like the star she is. And she is the only
creature on the planet to have inserted a tongue
into my right nostril. Trust me, that is some
bonding experience."

Sadly, Felix has since passed away:

But Macchuie is still fine!

Could you really meet your perfect match at
speed-dating? This whirlwind romance proves it:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Vengaboys, sea otters, llama farmer

Rumours abound that the print version of the NME
is to be closed, leaving the 55-year-old music
paper as a web-only operation. Time for
to launch some more eye-catching stunts like
their campaign to "right a historic wrong" by
getting the Sex Pistols' re-released God Save
the Queen to number one. It entered the charts
at... number 42.

Best titled TV show of the year - Tranny Llama Farmer.
Meet Kerry, Britain’s only transsexual llama farmer,
on Current TV, 9.55pm tonight, Thurs 25th October
(Sky 193, Virgin Media 155). Warm up with a llama song:

Ibiza seems to have grown a mountain for
Catherine Zeta-Jones perfume ad:

More Sesame St, "When I find my self forgetting
What comes after A but before C,
teacher whispers in my ear 'Letter B, Letter B'":

Mike Reid and Gordon Ramsay t-shirts:

Male sea otters: bastards.

Upload your naughty home-videos and get paid
every time they're watched. Why let Paris
Hilton make all the money?

Sweden's Charlotte Pirelli (nee Neilsen) is
aiming to be the first woman to win Eurovision
twice, in 2008. Get yourself in the
Eurovision mood here:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 28th Oct

* Pop is back! And it's a bad week for Indie as
The Killers, Wombats and Hoosiers drop like stones.

++ Number One
LEONA LEWIS Bleeding Heart

++ Top Ten
TAKE THAT Rule The World
MCFLY The Heart Never Lies

++ Top Twenty
OASIS Lord Don't Slow Me Down

++ Top Forty
N-DUBZ You Better Not Waste My Time

>> End Bit <<
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AF, ade, wb, J, spike, AM, SW, com, SD, GW, bob,
JB, theabominablehoman, llanelliboy

* We got our first contribution from readers in
Swaziland this week - thanks!

* Thanks to Dominos for the new ciabatta pizzas.


Old Jokes Home:
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Still Bored?
Roy Vengaboys is now an air steward!

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