Thursday, October 11, 2007

Boney M To The Rescue

Popbitch's favourite London beauty salon, The Beauty
Lounge, has just opened in Kingly Court, just off
Carnaby Street and giving Popbitch readers 10%
discount off any treatment until end Oct.

"There are probably some things I could do to keep
my flexibility up, but I'd rather smoke, drink
diet Cokes and eat." - John Daly
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|_| |_| 11.10.07 ISSUE 370
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* Boney M to bring world peace
* Che Guevara - rugby fan
* Charts: Sugababes are still number one

>> Ra Ra Rasputin <<
Russia's Greatest Love Machine to the rescue

Gordon Brown would do well to follow the
Government in Georgia's example, if he
wants to make himself popular again. Faced with
the threat of civil war from the breakaway area
of South Ossetia the authorities have chosen a
novel way to gain friends in the region -
Boney M. A concert has been arranged in
Tamarasheni, a village close to the rebel capital
Tskhinvali, starring the fans of the Russian
Love Machine, to try to persuade everyone that
"peaceful life resumes where people sing songs".
If that works, let's hope they (or whatever
facsimile of Boney M is available for hire
these days) go to sort out the mess By
The Rivers Of Babylon.

Ja Rule was spotted queuing at an M40 motorway
service station KFC. Class.

>> Maxed out <<
Beesley makes beeline for beauties

The TV industry has decamped to Cannes this
week for Mip, one of its many annual beanos.
Max Beesley has been in town promoting a new
show, and on Tuesday night hit the parties.
At one industry gathering, after surveying
the dancefloor intently, he summoned over one
lovely lady, bought her a drink, and explained
that she was the second girl he'd found for
the night, but he still needed a third. The
girl explained that she was interested in
having a drink with him but nothing more.
So Max told her that he was really just
interested in no-strings sex so could she go
away so he could find someone else.
Well, full marks for honesty, at least.

How do X Factor winner Leona Lewis' people work out
what interviews and appearances she should do?
They ask themselves "What would Madonna do?"

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which Russian tennis pro was spotted leaving
Moscow nightspot Night Flight, a place known
as one of the city's top escort services,
where bouncers say men usually go to choose
themselves the most beautiful girls to visit
their hotels later?

Which Fox TV anchor was filming outside the UN
recently when security services were clearing the
area for a bomb sweep, and asked network bosses
to ask the secret service to wait so he could
do a live report?

Can it really be true that Eamonn Holmes
is too fat to fold his arms properly? A cruel
witness claims he had to settle for "linking
his fingers in front of his tie".

Parlez-vous Popbitch? TV bosses do. Coming up this
year: Pramface Mansion. A reality show in which a
group of single parents cohabit with their children.

>> Cruel game <<
C U next Tuesday, Mr Ritchie

C writes:
"I was fortunate enough to be invited to stay
the weekend on a country estate in Scotland
for some hunting, fishing etc. The gamekeeper
was a real character and invited some of us to
his house. After a few whiskies we started to
look at some of the photos around his house,
many of them showing our host with serious A-
list celebrities, major businessmen and the
occasional world leader. Later on we were
looking through some photo albums when we came
across a picture of him with Guy Ritchie.
'Why is he not on the wall?' I asked. To which
our host replied, 'Because he's a cunt'.
And refused to elaborate."

Today is the 44th birthday of Prince Faisal
bin Al Hussein of Jordan. He is a big fan of the
Sound of Music.

>> Rugby Che-leader <<
Hasta la victoria siempre

It's entirely appropriate that the commemoration
of the 40th anniversary of the execution of Che
Guevara has come during a Rugby World Cup with
Argentina contesting a semi-final. For while
it's widely known that he was something of an
important revolutionary, it's less well known
that he was also a rugby fanatic. Che played
for the SIC club in Buenos Aires, while training
to be a doctor, and in his spare time founded
a rugby magazine called Tackle, which he wrote
entirely by himself.

(FYI: Our favourite ITV commentator's verdict on
the All Blacks, "they left the field with their
tails between their ears".)

Rugby World Cup humour:
Q: Did you hear about the new All Blacks bra?
A: it's got great support but no cups.

>> Pellow repents <<
Crooner shares the love

At the media showcase for Wet Wet Wet's new
album, former smack drop-out Marti Pellow
opened the show by acknowleding his past
"difficulties", saying "I'd just like to
apologise to every one here who I offended
in the past."

Popbitch's favourite NFL coach:
Green Bay Packers' Ty Knott.

>> Lucky voice <<
Disembodied celebrity weirdness

Following our revelation that Christopher Lee
voices the audio guide to the Heritage Shipwreck
Museum in Hastings, here's a chart of the places
you recommend to hear unusual celebrity
voiced auto guides:

1. Noddy Holder - the lift announcer, New
Art Gallery, Walsall.
2. Roger Moore - audio tour of The Forbidden
City, Beijing
(thanks to the hundreds of you who wrote in)
3. Jeremy Irons - the Skibereen Heritage
Centre's potato famine exhibition, West
Cork, Ireland.
4. Omar Sharif - Tutenkhamen Exhibition,
O2, London.

Manu Chao is very generous with his rum.

>> Pop wars <<
Golden Britpop oldies

Some years ago Oasis bought a vintage EMI TG
mixing desk from a studio in Australia. Before
it was shipped to England a famous record
producer working in the studio heard about it...
and carved "Blur" inside it. He's always wondered
if the Gallaghers ever found his handiwork.

FYI: Damon Albarn has been telling friends he's
never going to agree to a Blur reunion.

Fernando Massa sorts the phone numbers pressed on him
at F1 parties this way. Girls he likes: breast pocket.
Others: collected every 10 minutes by an assistant.

>> Balls up <<
The final word on testicle length

J writes:
"The reason one testicle hangs lower than the
other is to ensure that, when a man walks,
they don't clack together like a pink Newton's
Cradle. If they hung at the same height, there
is the risk that the walking pace could match
the testicles' natural frequency (like when
you're wearing something around your neck
which suddenly starts swinging wildly left
and right with each step). If this happened,
it would be nad mayhem down there."

Westminster Reference Library is the place to start
your evening in London's West End. 22 November, Q&A
spoken word and acoustic music session with London
writer Patrick Neate. For further info call Rossella:
07 717 500 885 or email

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Sugar gliders, Paul Robinson, Duran Duran Duran

What have Macca, Zane Lowe, and Jamie Cullum got
in common? Thankfully it's music, not leggy
women. See here:

Best named pop act - Duran Duran Duran. So
good they named it thrice.

Best named shop in San Francisco?

Or is it this one?

You'd think Paul Robinson had more to worry about
than bobbles in the turf:

Scouse girl falls down drain. Bless.

Tiny animals on finger-tips:

Following our McCann swingers conspiracy theory
revelations, (we forgot to add that Robert Murat is
supposedly the Algarve's swinging Mr Big) someone
forwarded local newspaper The Resident - Algarve
and Lisbon edition, which contained an advert for
"the first and only genuine free English language
adult contacts site for Portugal". Join here:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 14th Oct

* The Twins from Big Brother carry on an honourable
reality show tradition by selling f-all records.

++ Number One

++ Top Ten

++ Top Twenty
ALY & AJ Potential Break-Up Song

++ Top Forty
SEX PISTOLS God Save The Queen
SAMANDA Barbie Girl

>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!

* Email stories, gossip:

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* Mail by aysabtu

* We brought you the music of pioneer Iraqi
metallers Acrassicauda back in September 2004.
Sadly, the band were hounded out of Iraq by
fundamentalists, are now war refugees in
Damascus, and face an uncertain future.
There's a fund to relocate them somewhere
where their Rockness will be more welcome:

Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, LT, bigdog, DA
danceswithmustelids, Ludvig, SOM, CM, SW, KE, JA,
N, Dh, fd, SK, PF, Lennlee, aristocat, jjhunsecker,
onthehushhush, LB, honk, oldskool, S, aristocat

And thanks to:
for the weird fruit.

Old Jokes Home:
A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks for eight
legs of venison. "That'll be £40," says the butcher.

"£40?" says the man. "That's too dear."

Still Bored?
Alabama Baptist Minister Gary Aldridge died in an
auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap while wearing two
wet suits, dive gloves, dive booties, hood, mask
and rubber pants:

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