Thursday, September 27, 2007

Rob Kimble, etc.

Join Stuntman wannabe Rod Kimble as he takes on the
challenge of a lifetime. Rod plans to clear fifteen
buses in an attempt to raise money for his tough-
loving stepfather Frank's life-saving heart
operation. He will land the jump, get Frank better,
and then fight him. Hard."

"I'm sort of hip to the younger stuff. You know,
like Beyonce's 'Crazy in Love.' That's a good
song to dance to." - Barack Obama
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| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
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|_| |_| 27.09.07 ISSUE 368
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* Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dusty Bin
* Geordie Dad v Angelic Upstarts
* Charts: Shayne Ward is number one

>> Human bear-baiting <<
Kyle nurses a bad reputation

Since the trial this week that fined a guest
on the Jeremy Kyle show for head-butting his
love rival, it's been open season in the tabloids
on the TV presenter. Even the judge in the case
called the show "a human form of bear-baiting".
But Jeremy doesn't know yet quite how bad it
could get. The papers are sniffing around, and
offering us bribes, following our past hint
that Kyle's been behaving a bit more like a
guest on his own show than a married, upstanding
pillar of the community. As Jeremy told the
Mirror this week, "Sometimes people need to
be stripped bare before they can be helped."

So Billie Piper ditched her "girl next door" image to
play a call-girl on TV. It's almost as if her music
industry nick-name wasn't "Chazbaps".

>> Ashes to Ashes <<
... Dust to Dusty Bin

ulysses writes:
"As you mentioned Ted Rogers last week, I have a
story. It was the day of my father's funeral - an
understandably sombre affair in a leafy Berkshire
cemetery. As we were stood around the plot, the
vicar doing all his religious business, I looked
down to notice that my old boy was being planted
next to Ted Rogers! I then look up and spotted
one of the funeral attendants wearing a big grin
and attempting to give me the 3-2-1 hand gesture.
I must say it lightened the mood a little."

"Re last week's mailout testicle story... The higher
of the two is always on the same side as which the
male writes with." - fleetwood_smack

>> Now that's what I call Islam <<
What's on Allah's iTunes this month?

Last week we told you that the Leader of the
Palestinian Popular Resistance, Muhammad Abdel-Al,
wanted to cut off Britney's head for spreading
her Satanic culture against Islam. So what is
a good Muslim pop fan supposed to listen to?
This is the current recommended top five.
Get jiggy with Allah:

1. Only Fear Allah, Native Dean

2. Night of Rememberance Songs, Mountain of Light
Artists (aka Yusuf Islam and friends).

3. Al Mu'Allim, Sami Yusuf:

4. MUSLIM, Native Deen

5. Heaven's Keys, 786

Bob Mills' (In Bed With Me Dinner) stepmother was
the voice of Tripitaka in the English dubbed version
of the 70's/80's TV series Monkey.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which well-connected public school boy is
finally flying off for his gap year travels,
after having to abandon his previous plans for
a trip to the sun with his mates? He's no longer
so keen on exploring the desert in a tank; his
old narcotic enthusiasm may be much better
served cleaning up the poppy fields?

Amnesty International have imposed a "no pot
plant" rule in their office.

>> Pink pounding <<
Voters turn the air blue for Tories

What can the Tories do to convince people
they're all modern and inclusive now? Well,
they've been courting the gay vote on, pleading to advertise on
popbitch, and in Worcester they even selected
one of Britain's top erotic fiction writers,
Lisa Ventura, aka "Rose" to fight a council
by-election. Sadly Lisa lost a previously safe
seat. The party lost control of the council.
And poor Lisa's website, -
blamed for her defeat - is currently shut.
And Lisa lives in... Beaver Close.

15,000 film reviews online, everything from Hollywood
blockbusters to rare independent gems. Film4 know so
much about films they make them too. For an unbiased
view of all the latest cinema releases like Death
Proof and Superbad, or to browse and discover, go

>> Punk Punk'd <<
Geordie Dad v Angelic Upstarts

Guess writes:
"My Dad used to work in a bank in Newcastle. One
day some punks wandered in and started being,
well, punkish. My Dad told them calm down or
leave, which made their leader a bit miffed.
My Dad is a bit handy with his fists, though not
to me I might add, and offered to take him on,
outside the bank, there and then. The leader
backed down and led his gang away. About five
years later I had a poster of The Angelic
Upstarts on my bedroom wall. My Dad saw it,
pointed at singer Thomas "Mensi" Mensforth and
told me "he's soft as shite".


Carole Thatcher, spotted on the Plymouth-London train
last Sunday, "with a cardboard coffee cup which she
kept topping up with red wine from a bottle in her
bag. Her ringtone was the Big Ben 'bongs'".

>> Viking trouser troubles <<
Vikings let Kershaw keep his trousers

Poor old Andy Kershaw, who announced after
pleading guilty to breaching a restraining order
and drink-driving this month that "I've lost my
kids, I've lost the woman I love, I've
lost everything."

The DJ is now at the mercy of the Isle of
Man's mediaeval legal system (the island's
highest legal authority are the Deemsters, first
appointed by the Vikings), due to be sentenced
on October 18. At least he won't face the
birch - the beating of criminals on their bare
buttocks with "four or five long and fairly
stout hazel branches" was dropped from their
lawbooks in 1993. The same year they
decriminalized homosexuality. When the European
Court of Human Rights ruled in 1978 that birching
should be stopped, the Manx parliament tried
to push a compromise whereby miscreants would be
allowed to keep their trousers on.

SuperMILF report: "Claudia Schiffer, taking her son
to school in Pembridge Square. She has extremely dry,
yellow hair and knock knees. Not a patch on Elle
MacPherson, whose son goes to the same school."

>> Old Folk's Tone <<
"I used to be Prime Minister, dear!"

"Where is Tony Blair?" asked one newspaper
last week. Before he left number 10, the ex-PM
said he was looking forward to being "a former
celebrity". So we reckon of he doesn't bring
peace to the Middle East soon it might be worth
looking for him here - Brinsworth House.
Thora Hird, Fluff Freeman and Charlie Drake saw
out their days here. And if Tone's not home,
at least you'll be able to have a nice chat to
Richard O'Sullivan and "Madge" from Dame Edna.


Win tickets to the RRR tour in your town, or to see
The Enemy perform an exclusive secret UK gig:

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Sheep training, Larry Craig, Puppy fights

Ever wanted to train a sheep to do
an obstacle course?

Dog-fighting popbitch style:

Is this supposed to be funny?

The extended version of The Rain by Oran Juice
Jones is our favourite 12"s ever. It's on the
brilliant12"/80s Groove

Senator Larry Craig v Idaho Phatz:

I love rhubarb and personalised How's my Selling
t-shirts available at:

Nico Pipe - smoke without fire. All the buzz of
a cigarette without yellow teeth and fingers,
skin damage, smelly breath or defying the
smoking ban:

Pelvis shattering moves and confused Belgians;
it's the Pot Noodle talent show. Win free Pot Noodle
snacks or even a PS3.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 30th Sept

There are three new entries in the Top
40 this week from Disney's High School
Musical's Gabriella, Troy and cast.

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
ELVIS PRESLEY Hard Headed Woman

++ Top Twenty
JACK PENATE Second Minute Or Hour
FEIST 1234

++ Top Forty
GABRIELLA & TROY You Are The Music In Me
KATIE MELUA If You Were A Sailboat
GABRIELLA & TROY Gotta Go My Own Way
JOY DIVISION Love Will Tear Us Apart

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, WB, stinky, AB, PB,
danceswithmustelids, A's Mum, gordy, AM, kuff_dam, MH
ulysses, guess,

Old Jokes Home:
"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics,"
says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

Still Bored?
First Eurovision rumour of the season - Netherlands
to be represented by bears!

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