Thursday, June 14, 2007

Poppy Bitch

Could Kate Middleton's enjoyment of the Rabbit
Fever launch party at Kitts nightclub have had
anything to do with the contents of the goodie bags?
Rabbit Fever, a comedy mockumentary about addiction
to the eponymous sex toy, is out next week on DVD.

"The goal was to make her the Martha Stewart
of her generation. It just didn't work out
that way." - Paris Hilton's ex-agents.
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|_| |_| 14.06.07 ISSUE 353
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
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* Celebrity skunk wars
* Black day for American justice.
* Charts: White Stripes are new number one

>> Stop: Hamas time. <<
Reality TV Palestine stylee

Big Brother this summer is the usual mix of
tears, tantrums and semi-nudity. Reality TV in
the soon-to-be Islamist mini-state of Gaza is
rather different. We mass-produce annoying
Z-list celebrities. Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV looks
like it's training kids to be suicide bombers.

This is an excerpt from May 31st, showing an
end-of-term performance by the kindergarten
class of the Islamic Association in Gaza:

Host: Stay with us to watch this performance
by the children of Palestine.

The boys' show:
"Allah Akbar. Praise be to Allah.
Allah Akbar. Praise be to Allah.
Allah Akbar. Praise be to Allah.
Allah Akbar. Praise be to Allah.
Who is your role model? The Prophet.
What is your path? Jihad.
What is your most lofty aspiration?
- Death for the sake of Allah.

It's a long way from Sesame Street...

(Nice to get another chance to use an old joke...)
Q Did you hear that three dead Arabs were found
in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool?
A They were suicide bummers.

>> Live and let dye <<
Macca's matching collar and cuffs?

Following last week's claim that Macca has
a syrup, we hear that Lady Mucca has been
telling friends some further hair-raising
stories about her marriage. And that maybe
Sir Paul is unafraid to dye not just
his hair... but also his pubic hair.

Man of the week: Igor Vaclavic. Dressed in black like
a ninja, this Russian ex-soldier has been robbing
farms across Northern Italy. When captured, Igor
said he'd been inspired by his idol, Robin Hood.

>> Big Questions <<
What people want to know this week

He may have played in the Premiership all year,
but this football star isn't enjoying the
jet-set life in Barbados. Honeymooning at the
Almond Beach Resort and Spa, the footballer
has been on the phone to the travel company with
a "serious complaint", saying his new wife was
in tears. The complaint? Well, the restaurants
in the all-inclusive resort are, he explained,
"too poncy". All they wanted was a burger
and chips.

Members of this ex boy-band have revealed
that they used to enjoy groupie orgies on
their tour-bus as some of the band were too
young to legally go to bars and clubs.

David Soul's favourite off-license is on Goldhurst
Terrace, West Hampstead. His last purchase was
cans of Kronenburg.

>> Punk's not dead... <<
... It's on the 10 o'clock news

Stuart Ramsay may be Sky News' suave Chief
Correspondent, but he used to be the drummer
in a punk band called Smeggy Turds, and toured
all over Europe with them. (These days he's
most proud of having a rare jacket that Johnny
Depp also owns.)

(Any other newshounds with a secret punk past?

FYI: Which TV reporter blew his cover with
a hardcore anarcho-protest group at Rostock by
asking for a receipt for a round of drinks?

Jeremy Clarkson on QI last week told the studio
audience that he recently tried to shoot a fox while
drunk, but it was dark, and he couldn't hold the
gun and night-vision goggles at the same time.

>> Black day for justice <<
It's good to be rich in America

Two court cases in America this week -
two very different defendants.

Paris Hilton
* Drifted through a variety of private schools.
Left with few qualifications.
* Home sex video made when 19 brought global fame.
* Caught on camera enjoying what appears to be
gak and weed.
* A series of DUI arrests and driving while on
probation lead to 23 days in jail.
* Released by LA sheriff after three days. Now
back in a correctional facility but still able
to call TV presenters with her story.
* Found God on the day her agents sacked her.

Genarlow Wilson
* Star athlete and honours student in Georgia.
* Convicted of consensual oral sex, aged 17, with
a 15 year-old girl, at a New Year's Eve party.
* 10 year prison sentence, plus lifetime
on sex offenders' register.
* This week US judge overturned the ruling,
after he'd served two years.
* Ex-President Jimmy Carter has written
to Georgia's attorney-general to question
whether his treatment was racially motivated.
* Georgia's attorney-general appeals against
new ruling, Genarlow is still in jail.

FYI: As the law stands, Wilson cannot return to
his own family if released, as he has an 8 year-old
sister and he would be forbidden contact.

FYI 2: In Georgia until 1998 oral sex even between
husband and wife was punishable by 20 years in prison.

Police in Ibiza have at least temporarily shut DC10,
Bora-Bora and Amnesia for drug offences.

>> Celebrity skunk wars <<
Star weed dealers get judged

Some celebrities are so nice that they share
their weed with "civilians". But who's got the
best quality control. Our initial survey says:

Good: Ian "Wrighty" Wright
Bad: Happy Mondays
Worst: Shannon Hoon (Blind Melon, now dead).

Has a celebrity ever shared their weed with you?
Was it hot or not? email

Spotted at Isle of Wight festival, Sienna Miller
dancing to Keane outside the VIP area. She left
before the Rolling Stones came on.

>> King K.O.'d <<
Celebrity perve airbrushed from history

Le Gavroche recently celebrated its 40th
anniversary. Chef Michel Roux welcomed a star-
studded collection of foodies for a special
lunch. But Roux was somewhat surprised to see in
the Evening Standard's review that he had
"revelled in the fact that he hadn't asked
Jonathan King" and that King's prison stretch was
"the most enjoyable experience of my life". King
has been a customer of Le Gavroche since its
opening week and is a good friend of the
Rouxs. And not only was he at this lunch, but was
sitting next to the Standard's critic, William
Sitwell. Michel Roux has, apparently, refused to
accept the writer's apology so far and refers
to him now only as "Mr Shitwell".

During June, July and August of last year in America
12 pets died, three were injured and four were lost
during air travel.

>> Left luggage <<
Air traveller gets her wish Granted

Mr_surprised writes:
"My girlfriend was in Munich airport waiting
for her bags when she spotted Hugh Grant standing
at the same luggage carousel. Sheepishly, she
asked if she could take a picture but he declined.
A few minutes later, though, he saw her struggling
with her luggage, put his own bags down,
helped her load her bags onto a trolley and
made sure she was alright before picking up
his bags and golf clubs and wandering off.
Much to the bewilderment of his German driver,
who had come into the baggage claim expecting
to carry everything for the star."

Pilates teacher Daisy Wright (Jude Law's "nanny")
is now dating Maxi Jazz from Faithless.

>> Star wars <<
Luke and Kate fail to spark

Horror thriller Vacancy hits UK cinemas
this week. Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale
play a couple taking refuge in a lonely
motel and discover the lo-fi slasher movies
on the TV are snuff movies filmed in their
hotel room. Off-screen the couple were less
loving. Film-set gossips say Wilson thought
Beckinsale was a diva, while she is said to
have dissed his boozy lifetsyle. By the end they
barely spoke. Wilson used to send a stand-in
for scenes where he was off-camera, while
Beckinsale retaliated by leaving him to emote
to her photograph.

At a recent photoshoot for Nike the only thing
Ronaldinho did between takes was play Fifa football
on Playstation against himself.

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Mercury, Old Bailey, squirrels

Separated at birth?
Adrian Boswell from Bread and Ziggy Big Brother:

Catch up on all the action in the house for free on 4oD

Rostock residents have asked German authorities
to look into whether last weekend's G8 "riots"
were actually started by local intelligence
police in disguise. Some good photos:

Visit Discoo for Amy Winehouse's style secrets.
Use 'winehouse' at the checkout for Free Delivery
(Same Day to Central London):

The coolest sex toys on the planet. Be seduced:

Buy Freddie Mercury's piano:

Save the albino squirrel:

The Proceedings of the Old Bailey, from
1674 to 1834 are online for the first time:

Was CNN Africa correspondent Jeff Koinage
sacked after an internet blog suggested he
was having an affair with a writer, engaging
in telephone sex with her while reporting
from Darfur and engineering a threesome
with her daughter?

Ernie Els faces Panesar's delivery with
only his 5-iron for company, but can he
cope with Monty's ferocious balls?

It's nearly Wimbledon time. Take two stylish tennis
twins, put them in bright sunlight...and then throw
some kittens at them. See what happens next:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 17th June

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
MARILLION Thank You Whoever You Are
MAXIMO PARK Books From Boxes

++ Top Twenty
KOOPA One Off Song For The Summer
ERASURE Sunday Girl

++ Top Forty

>> End Bit <<
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* Want some tickets for Latitude Festival? Tell us about
a record/artist we should listen to: email

Thanks to: AM, SW, dollymixture, JB, LT, JF, RT,
emsy, billy_squier, celtiagirl, The Afleet,
ticklemfancy, pauly, SH, sol,

* Thanks to O2 Wireless/Amazing for the tickets.
Winners were: HO, DW, SC, AH, SB, JM, P, CE, CH,

* Thanks to Strongbow Cider House for keeping us
drunk, fed and happy at Isle Of Wight Festival

* Thanks to for the
Charles Jordi travel essentials

Old Jokes Home:
A penguin walks into a bar, and says to the barman,
"My brother was in here earlier, have you seen him?"

The barman replies, "I don't know.
What does he look like?"

Still Bored?
We've got hold of a rare 2012 Olympics badge
with that lovely logo. Bid for it, and
money goes to our charity of choice
this year, Reprieve:

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